Coming up on the one year of not drinking.
Whenever I mention I don’t drink I tend to get similar responses.
“Good job! I wish I could do that”. (You can)
“Congratulations! That must be so hard!” (It’s not)
The truth is, not drinking in and of itself really was easy.
I don’t feel particularly accomplished because of it.
Now, I leave events early to sleep, drive to parties instead of rideshare and fully enjoy the fact that marijuana is legal where I live.
My body quietly let go of about 30 pounds. I enjoyed my first VidCon, Playlist and Bufferfestival without a hangover (or an unfortunate fall). However, I can say the past few weeks I’ve been feeling…emotional. Sensitive. Sad, even.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why I stopped.
So, here it is.
I came to the end of something.
I LET myself feel hurt by someone I wanted for longer than I should have.
I thought if I held on long enough I’d pass this imaginary test.
I knew better, but I ignored better.
Sometimes I still ignore better.
I found myself, sitting in a car, crying and arguing with someone I loved. And, I couldn’t even communicate WHY I was hurt because I was foggy and drunk and sad.
I couldn’t find the words.
And, I ALWAYS find the words.
Didn’t want to feel like that ever again.
So, I stopped.
It’s interesting. You come to this anniversary of sorts and see how much has changed, how much hasn’t. How some bridges get rebuilt and some stay ash. I’m still learning how to put myself in better situations, trust the right people, be open but kinder than I sometimes feel.
All that to say, when you’ve learned the lesson, when you’re ready to let it go...you’ll let it go.
Also, wow, a year goes by fast.