sorry this is so dark o: I like to practice in natural light and it was an overcast day!
as my practice becomes stronger, I notice I’m not too worried about how I look, so I look dumb. I notice that I’m focused on the stretch of my muscles, my breathing, the pull of my body as it all works together. It’s poetic to me when I think about it, how it’s just one continuous flow of movement. That bodies are amazing. It teaches me so much respect for what my body does for me. I’m called to remember my fight with anorexia, what little respect I had for this beautiful body, what little respect I had for ME. I stopped doing yoga a little while ago because anorexia was such a strong voice in the back of my mind. I thought I didn’t have the right body to be doing yoga, I had weird dimples in the wrong places, cellulite, I had odd bumps and lumps, my tummy was a little pouchy. I had a thousand reasons why I couldn’t enjoy something that had formerly brought me so much peace.
Meditation has helped so much in helping me realize that it doesn’t matter my body shape, type, what I look like. Meditation helped me see me, for me, not what I thought I looked like in the mirror.
It’s hard, I’m not saying I’m completely cured or fixed. I still worry about my body, I still worry about weight and all my weird lumps and bumps and my cellulite and dimples. However, I push past that, I throw myself into yoga with renewed passion. It’s one of a couple of things that keeps me out of my head and worrying too much.
It’s helped me realize how amazing my body is, even if I don’t like the lumps and bumps. The way that my body processes things and heals me when I fall, keeps me safe from bacteria and sickness.
There’s no reason I should try to tear down the work my body is trying to do for me.
I go to therapy once every week and group therapy once a week. I’m not saying my practice in Buddhism and yoga has made me perfect, that it supplements why I learn and heal in therapy. So please, please seek help if you struggle like I have.