lobster_kr lobster_kr

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Lobster (Jَaَaَنا)  Every Word is my Beloved. She is a butterfly inside my Heart. http://www.blurb.com/bookshare/app/index.html?bookId=7377064📝📷

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I do not know what I made of myself. Neither I get a peaceful sleep nor I can put myself together to do anything. I created a mess of myself. I don't know how far I will go. Maybe, until and unless I reached to the point of near death I might able to realise life. But then, that could be too late. Maybe like other people I take 12-13 years to understand either Love is important or other things in life.
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My logics are of no use. Either there is love or there is nothing. You cannot wrong a person you love often. My eyes ache and water flows out of it for looking at phone for long hours. The stress I cope with inflicts headache and nausea. The appetite burns with the thought that all your efforts of the years did no good. Failures depress. This endurance maybe make me strong.
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When I forced myself to marry, I wanted to see her badly. Those 5 days, while I was talking to someone I continuously looked for her to come online, or leave me a message. Yes, I was never prepared for it. I was putting myself at risk. No one will ever know what happens inside of a heart when one knows after this all the hopes, dreams and everything one has put together in conversation will be dashed for ever and the chance to live this one life with the one you loved without safety will permanently shut out of your life. Don't you know that feeling? Sometime, I do not know, you actually felt that kind of pain I heard about from you. I wish I had heart which bears the coldness. I wish, if you leave me, my heart becomes cold and my tone becomes rude and every feeling just disappear. I do not want to feel again thereafter, not even for you. I would not want to build anything from the damages you leave inside of me. I want that hole inside me for every feeling to pass without making a place within me. I never have thought of it. I was chivalrous. I was optimistically alive. Everything that snubbed me. Everything which I never able to buy for me, every person who met and lost, I believed there is better ahead. There is something in the worst. The darkness to light. But reality?! It changes hand from feelings to benefits. From love to luxuries. I am learning all. My yearnings of you may gradually teach me. What this world need, maybe a lot of money for its indulgence. Love possibly is overrated. Maybe, today it had fun with me, tomorrow it might find solace in someone else. Maybe, or maybe not, I regret all these time when I was at my weakest. When I was most vulnerable, and I wasted it, worthlessly.
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Before I die,
These nights I shall remember once to accept why I should die.
Pain wrestling at your chest, and eyes bloodied in tears. Throats filled in charcoal and breathing goes heavier. What purpose does we have in life when nights passes nursing your pain and days laying in your bed. The worst pain isn't any wound over your body. The real pain is that hurts everything.
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When your eyes are burning from loss of sleep. When you are starving and menacing yourself cigarette and tea. When you cough like a man closing to death and spit continuously and your saliva looks spongy and you to clean it with your hands. It just tells you, nights are too dark and long and ache will keep you awake. You would never want such things to anyone you ever know.
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Every time it happens my knife cuts my wrist to distract me from pain inside.
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They told me that everything can be won with love. So, I loved frantically. I unheard people who loved me, only because I loved her and she claimed to love me. Now, I do not know what is more painful; to leave the one who loved me or the one who I loved and she was always leaving after promising. After claiming that my actions have earned not only her love but respect. Why do people fool us with words that they never mean. Why do they make us believe in things which they themselves have never believed. It isn't to tarnish anyone. It is something which I got as experience from life and love. And these question will remain haunting me and my nights will pass into nightmares.
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Jab yeh takleef kam nahi hoti,
Baith jaata hu kaatne khud ko...
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From last 4 hours, my eyes are moisten.
I have suffered my worst insecurities since you promised to marry and began to change. You can never measure the pain and hurt during all these times. It doesn't only hurts, it has developed a termite inside, eating every good feeling I ever had. Even when it feels all good between us, this thought never leaves me at peace that if I will speak of your promises you will say, I have told you in March. But, you forget one thing that you never want to hear about December, and July; when you came home and told me that I have come only to ensure you this that I will not change, else you begin to think I have changed in a week. What do I think of all these? Just a Lie? You only spoke to fool me. Just to put me at a place, where I shall be alone and you can go back and begin to think how to normalise the relation, family and root. What do I make out of it? I am simply a Time Pass to whose feelings do not matter until it doesn't become a threat to your marriage and all! Am I just a Time Pass?!
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What I was always seeking was love. Feelings that do not change. And I find myself in a situation of self-loathing sometime when everything is decided on convenience, even that strong feeling which made someone not to think or consider their own situation. It will not change their life but it will never leave me what I was. And I fear seeing myself differently.
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Have you ever noticed or felt what I could be feelings? After all those days, months and years. After all make to believe promises, words and actions? Why would I have come along if what I asked you then and you did not affirm. What if you did not say, everyone else in my world neither matters to me nor I matter to them.
What if you have said that your happiness lies in making your family happy and no happiness you feel living with me for a love that you inspired.
I am not castigating. My whole world is out there and it is slowly breaking.
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We all expect our trusts and beliefs be intact when we choose to trust a person in our life. But, do we seriously give the same importance to the person's trust in us, to keep it unbroken, in any circumstance?! Do we ever considered 'trust' has equal effect, if broken, to both lives! You cannot argue that someone else's trust, if broken, is less painful than yours. Or change your life more than the other person. For everyone of us, trust is same.
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