lillithfoxx lillithfoxx

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Truth & Trail  wild thing year-round trail addict creating words and images to make you FEEL #truthandtrail

I am trying to be very zen in the bath right now. And not think about how I totalled my car today. Or how I was 5 hours late for my client this morning, or how I am 10 pounds heavier than I was last year at this time.

I am being super calm right now. And I am pretending that I feel the effects of this aromatherapy, and that the candles are totally giving me all of the relief of the cigarette that I really want. I am breathing deeply, listening to the rain fall outside, definitely not cursing it because it was the reason I rear ended someone today.

I am super, super calm. Very zen. Much peace.

How are you?

This is why it is crucial to be tender to strangers.
There are a few people I have met, who I don’t think like me. And if they straight up do not, that’s okay, (I tell myself repeatedly) but it could also be they don’t like me because every time we’ve spoken, I’ve said the wrong thing, I’ve touched the wrong chords, I’ve been too abrasive.

I never mean anyone harm when I speak to them. Exes and people I don’t love alike, I never try to hurt people with words. I can’t stand petty games, and I think grudges are for fools. But I have to remember, that I am not only speaking to them in the moment, I am encountering their entire life’s work.

I can be graceless, a storm, uncool. I tend to be brazen, and sometimes I express things which I think are funny, but hit hard to someone else. If I have done this to you, I promise, I didn’t mean harm. I know you are complex, I know you have moods and memories and a whole slew of things tied up in your being.
I overstep boundaries sometimes, and I ask things that are too deep, too personal, and demand more than you wish to give, and I’m sorry.

I used to lie a lot. I cheated on my first boyfriend. I stole things, from stores, and I hid entire worlds from my mother.

I don’t do this anymore. It has taken years (about 8 and counting) but I strive to be brutally honest, without harm. I can be a handful to date, because I ask details about how you felt as a child, what is it like to be the oldest, how many times have you been in love.
I know these can be difficult questions, especially when you have a lot on your plate. But I fully believe that if you can handle the hard conversations, it makes the little shit a WHOLE lot easier.

So sometimes, yes, I am a tornado. And I will rip through your life and take you for turns, and you will wish you had a cellar to run to.

But at the end of the night, I will hold you, play with your hair, massage your weak bones, and be the drizzle on your window that lulls you to sleep. I love you, and even if I do not love you yet, I hope you know that I could.
📸 @kristensciberras

Sometimes, I am a tornado. A fucking mess of a storm, running around and throwing shit all about. Sometimes, I am the rain at night, a comforting drizzle on your window, lulling you to sleep.
Usually, I am a day, partly cloudy, mostly sun.

I recently served a couple from South Africa. They told me that there, when it is raining and sunny at the same time, it’s called a Monkey’s Wedding. I said, “does a rainbow mean the marriage went well?” They laughed and told me I was assuming things.

I wonder how many situations I am put in on a daily basis that I observe in a specific way, because of the beliefs I have. I have learned a lot about people from serving them food, and walking their dogs, and having those two circles overlap.
A lot of my clients are very high maintenance. They like things JUST SO, and get very upset when they don’t turn out as demanded. It is easy to please these people, if you follow their rules. Sometimes the rules don’t make sense to me, and sometimes they are downright outlandish. But if you accept that these people are not asking these things because they don’t trust you, but because they don’t trust the world, it gets easier to abide.
My friends and I disagree on many, many things, but we leave space for each other, to have differing opinions, to have contradicting ideas. You must, I think, leave people their space to exist as they do. Because they have an entire life behind their reasoning, and you have yours.
I like to remind myself, that when you interact with someone, you are interacting with not only them in that moment, but with their ENTIRE life experience. Everything that they have ever been through, is coming up against everything that YOU have ever been through. And sometimes, this can cause unwarranted friction.

The way you say “thank you” might sound just like their mother. The way you walk, could look like their daughter. You might have made a subtle comment about an abstract situation, which you had no idea they were actually going through at that moment. You could have made an offhand comment about something they experienced in their past. Honestly, you just DON’T KNOW.
📸 @trinacaryphotography

If this ridgeline were a graph depicting moral high ground, the peak inhabitants would be as follows;
1- Vegans
2- People with the 📵 sticker on their cars
3- Married people who have only ever had sex with their spouse
4- People who do mushrooms but not acid because they only put “natural” things in their body (often overlapping with #1)

If I were on this graph I’d be somewhere way down the mountain, next to the nose pickers, spider killers and people who still use straws.
Where would you be?

Dear lover,
Guess what. I'm fucked up. I mean, I'm okay, but I got some "stuff". You know, stories about my childhood, why I am the way I am- real Freud shit. And they're not secrets, no, I have no problem talking about them, dissecting them, discussing them at length. But, here's the thing, you have to want to too. These are not the stories that I tell for fun. I have TONS of those, and everyone likes to listen to them, but if that's all a lover wants to hear, then I might as well date the whole world.
Have you ever asked someone if they like their parents?
Or how many times they've moved in their life,
Or if they've ever gone hungry?

Have you ever sat someone down, and ASKED for their life story?
Instead of saying "you can tell me anything" have you ever said, "please tell me everything"?
Dear lover,

I know it can be hard. These questions lead to conversations which lead to emotions which lead to oh god here come the tears. I once said to a friend of mine that the only time I've had real conversations with guys is when they're drunk or high. He laughed and agreed because he was both at the time.

I know that I can tell you anything,
but do YOU know, that you can ask?
📸 @trinacaryphotography

Brave are those who can live through even one day of depression. And I don't mean your down in the dumps, "I'm blue" kind of day. I mean sitting alone, and facing the horrifying depths of chaos, of nothingness, of fear itself.

Depression is a liar, it's a demon on your shoulder, constantly whispering about how useless you are, how worthless you are, how alone you are. It convinces you that you are in a vast, cold universe, and you are not welcome there. It sucks your energy, exhausts you, it plucks at your joy and feeds on your will to live.

Over time, it breaks you down.

Just last summer, I was closer to killing myself than I was to living. I thought about it constantly, how I would do it, how it would feel. I was exhausted. I wanted to just go to sleep and sleep and sleep forever. But in the middle of the sleepless nights, I would stare into the dark, and I would think of her. I remembered how many people were hurt by her suicide, I remembered the dreams I had for months after she left. I remembered her lover, and the pain that she went through too.

Thinking about this didn't fix me, it didn't convince me that life was worth living, but it helped me to hold on, just for one more night, for many more nights. I knew that if there was a chance I could feel better, then there was a chance that I could stay, and then I wouldn't have to put my family and my friends through the stolen closure of suicide.

Today is #worldsuicidepreventionday and while I think suicide is a much more complicated subject than something simply to be stopped, I think that having a dialogue about it can make people feel less alone. So talk about suicide. And speak without judgement, and speak with love, and speak to those closest to you about what makes life worth living. I promise, it can help.
📸 @kristensciberras

"She was lighting incarnate, a white hot phoenix burning through the atmosphere, but as fast as she shone, she was gone."
I wrote this phrase 8 years ago, a few days after a woman who I thought of as my hero, shot herself in the head. She took her own life in the middle of the night, and fucked up my entire perspective on life, death, and suicide. This woman was my friend, my coach, and my roommate for a short while, but more importantly, she was the most dazzling person that I've ever met.

Never before had I known someone who was so many things. Some great and some terrible. I looked up to her wide-eyed, and I'll never forget when she told me she respected me. It is a conversation that is seared into the walls of my skull.

This woman was the creation, life, and death of the party. She was a fire in the middle of a straw field; both her lifestyle and emotions ran wild.

On the second anniversary of her death, I got that poem tattooed on my arm. Before knowing her, I was an asshole when it came to the subject of suicide. I thought committing suicide made you weak. I had said, on more than one occasion, "only pussies kill themselves." I couldn't have been more wrong.
📸 @kristensciberras

Finally got out for a trail run yesterday, I feel like it's been 42 years! I have been hiking still, but this summer my running really went to shit. And of course, not running means not eating right, because obviously they go hand in hand, and not eating right means sleeping shittily, and sleeping shittily means drinking more wine before bed, and drinking wine before bed means not getting up and going for a run, and well, now you're in a cycle of bad choices designed by big pharma to keep you sick and on medication. Just kidding. (Kind of)
So I finally went for a run yesterday, and then I ate a SALAD for dinner (please, hold the applause) and THEN I still drank wine before bed because 2/3 ain't bad.

"Lead by example"
"Be the change you wish to see in the world"
"Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate"

All of these sentences used to make me gag, and I still feel cringey inside when I read them, but I am finally starting to see the value in them as well.

There's nothing more uninspiring than someone who complains constantly, without making any effort to solve the problem. We know this. This is nothing new. I was Captain Complainer when I was 19. I was all "fuck society" and "why can't girls have casual sex" and "we are trained consumers!!!!" But I did absolutely nothing to fix these problems. (Unless sticking my middle finger up in photos and having casual sex counts, in which case I solved BOTH of these issues singlehandedly.)
To this day, there is a ton of shit that I see on Instagram, in movies, and through advertising that pisses me the fuck off. I still dislike the way other people think and act and how they live their lives. And while I would love nothing more than to yell at them from my couch and say,
"You're an idiot! You're an idiot!- and YOU'RE even dumber than the first two idiots!" I've realized that as much fun as that is, it doesn't help the situation.
And anyways, that's what friends are for. And boyfriends. And mothers. They all legally have to agree with you whenever you think someone is a dumbass.

So now instead of dropping 🖕 on everything I don't like, I try and focus on running an account that I would want to follow. I try and be an example of someone who is candid, who is real, who shares actual life events instead of dancing around mumbling vague life wisdoms and holding a stick that says "influencer" on it. I TRY and represent a woman that isn't sexist, isn't weak, isn't afraid to be seen for all of her good, and bad moments.
I may never get famous, but at least I can stand by the content I am putting out into the world.

PS. Let's all be thankful that I didn't have Instagram when I was 19. 🖕😎🖕
📸 @trinacaryphotography

I was such a punk when I was 19. And I don't mean a "🤘" punk, I mean that I was a little shit. I thought I knew everything about everyone, I thought I was way too good for film school, and I sincerely thought I looked cool driving my '95 Buick Century with fingerless leather gloves. (They do make you go REALLY fast, for the record.) With every year that passes, I realize more and more what little I knew back then. I've realized that when people say "that's just how the world works" what they really mean is, "that's just how people work." I used to stubbornly believe that no one judged you on your appearance, and that if they did, they were an idiot. I thought that there were no acceptable generalizations to be made about the differences between men and women. I stood firmly behind the idea that society was out to get you and that I didn't want to be a part of it.
I've learned that we say appearances matter because MOST people judge you on your appearance. I know that generalizations about men and women exist because MOST people have noticed these differences. And I also know that many guidelines that are in our society are there because MOST people agree with them.

I guess this is how you grow up. You put away the fingerless leather gloves (I still like them) and accept that men are from mars and women, from venus. You accept that if you want access to a doctor when you break your leg, you have to pay your taxes. And you finally face the fact that you're going to have to follow some of societies "rules" if you want to be a part of it.
I know that #vanlife and traveling have become synonymous with freedom, probably because it literally LOOKS like freedom, and I know that my 19 year old self would have been alllll over them, but to me, freedom is no longer having the misdirected hatred that I used to have. I've lost the angst and the idea that yelling about a problem on the internet is going to fix it. And I am slowly accepting that cliche phrases exist for a reason.

'All the Love We Never Made' pt. ii
📸 @trinacaryphotography

I want to be Helen Hunt in Twister. Refusing to sign my divorce papers, chasing storms in the 90's and avenging the untimely death of my father with a young Phillip Seymour Hoffman by my side.
All that but... in the mountains. You know what I mean?

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