lieninwhite lieninwhite

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Lien Pham  i'm also at @travelling.panties

baby we were gonna be the coolest couple in town. your gosha rubchinskiy and my crown. were gonna go from Regina to Paris to NYC. but im the only one into fantasies. fuck you. i dream bigger now. nothing's bigger than nothing at all.

i've ruined paris for myself. i should have passed on the zig zag and the company and enjoyed a bubble tea next to nobody. should have passed on awkward nights at stupid tapas places and enjoyed more sunsets on bare concrete that would have soothed my soul. wishing i can say there's no one to blame but i do blame you. i will be back one day just to get it right. but i can't. i can only stay away from parts of the world too ruined for me to save. parts of me too ruined for me to save.

i've tried all this time

recently i've been editing my portfolio again to create a more honest representation of myself and my work. i chose to publish this collection of past instagram posts on relationships and my depression first, for it has been the dominating aspects of my life for the past couple of years. i've never been secretive about my own struggles, but i've definitely become more reserved to rely on others as these relationships became more complicated than i myself could comprehend. as a result, i had turned more and more to instagram as an outlet for me to visually express my stories, my pain, my depression. link in bio. please see it on a laptop/desktop!
#fotoroom #fotomobile

let me sleep if youve got to wake me up tomorrow. your funeral, a sweet surprise, your honesty. i saw you dying, and then i saw you here. i'd rather to never have seen you at all. been calling all my life but nothing.

i'm not your friend anymore. intentions you never understood but i tolerated. intentions i knew but forgave. i asked to see you.

you were never a friend. you would have killed yourself to hear that you fucked me up. i hate to be quoting this, but bandages don't fix bullet holes. you're saying sorry but you have forgotten how you once manipulated me. you don't have anything you think you do. we all have forgotten. our memories are better with you scratched away. i walked back crying because i knew i would be here today. wondering what i was looking at, when i was looking at you.

strange, living just to live. not for anybody. just for...
no. i guess for nothing

because i had forgotten you and I don't want to forget him. I don't want to feel like i was born just yesterday. i have already forgotten him. meaningless pain left behind without the nostalgia to justify it. things you said i never remembered have been rushing back out of thin air and they have put me into tiny commas. but i have forgotten those. entirely. today. were you even there?

it scares me that i truly wish it killed you. i truly wish it killed every single one of you. every single one of you, the ugliest, meanest souls

wrote me a note so you can make me watch you burn it. took me to champ des mars to tell me i can never return. i returned to moments on the metro, moments on the bus to Brat, moments on flights home.. rare moments when I did not want to die. Those moments when lights moved and it was beautiful and I forgot that humanity can be that ugly, that you can be that ugly. That someone as ugly as you convinced me to hate myself.

day after day i just keep seeing myself scrunched up in a corner of that dorm room in White Cottage, on my bed in between the windows. My unwashed sheets wrinkled underneath, dabbled with stains and wet with tears. The very first place where I had truly felt isolation. I would hear him coming up from the path, whistling. I would feel a pang of pain in my chest, a pain so meaningless I'd rather pretend to not have lived through that part of my life at all.

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