I get A LOT of DM's asking "but what if my partner/lover is having a hard time, but what if I know they'll change, but what if they ghost due to their trauma, but what if, what if...?" Here is the hard truth, and it is said with love:
Toxic people breed toxicity. This isn’t about making toxic people wrong, or shaming them for being in a dark place. This is about how we relate to toxic people, and how to save ourselves from the dark spiral. Often the pain toxic people have from life experiences is pain they didn’t choose. No one taught them coping mechanisms. No one showed them how to transfer their pain into healing and wisdom. No one loved them through it. And so, the old saying stands, “Hurt people hurt people.”
This saying allows us to step back and have some understanding of where these people get their hurt. But don’t mistake compassion for tolerance. I can be compassionate to toxic people, but I have zero interest in tolerating their bullshit. I have zero interest in putting myself in the line of fire between them and their pain. But that’s a hard place to get to. Because toxic people tend to attract fixers and healers… and fixers and healers who don’t have boundaries, become codependent and part of the toxic pattern. •
This sounds kinda fucked, doesn’t it?! The way out requires actions that heal the healer… as in, protecting themselves, stating what they’ll tolerate, and then walking away from what is not that. This is what truly loving someone (and ourselves) is. It’s loving someone enough to invite their healing. It’s loving them enough to show them what the safe space for a relationship looks like. Healed people, heal people. A lack of boundaries just invites a lack of respect, because the lack of boundary is a lack of respect for self.
You want to help heal a toxic person? Show them the way by honouring and preserving yourself, your heart, your space, your life. The way to heal them is to invite them to heal themselves too. Your greatest teaching to another will also be your greatest growth. It’s not just on them, it’s on you too.
CALI! Let's talk about this and more at my upcoming speaking event in SD/L