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korileigh korileigh

992 posts   2959 followers   375 followings

kori leigh  ✨Ritual Of Self-Care Tele-Course© ✨ deep diver ✨ truth speaker ✨space holder ✨writer 💌 Kori.hagel@gmail


It's a new day.
Today my heart is filled with gratitude.
Today I can see the magic.
Today I am glad to be alive, I'm glad to be in conscious contact with god, I'm glad to be sober, I'm glad for my heartache simply because it is a measure of the depth of love I feel & am capable of... I'm glad I feel, I'm glad I love hard. I'm glad I give this life my all.
I'm glad my heart is open & raw & soft.
I'm glad for that.
I will rise.
I will heal.
I am choosing love. All day every day.. love wins.
Pic: @thesoberglow

Today was brutal.
Another day of some of the most enormous grief I have ever felt. Ever.
It's gut wrenching, it's making my heart ache like I have never felt before.
It's humbling how painful it it.
I don't know why it hurts so bad, but it does. I loved so deep & i have been blindsided & to top it all off... my coping methods are gone (wine, rage, anger, drugs, my friendship circle has even totally changed). Nothing is familiar anymore.
So here I am.
Raw & bare; questioning if I will ever heal from this blow.
Who knows?
I cried & cried again today, until I (once again) forced myself to get up, dust my knees off & take a page out of my of self-care book {atlas of darkness} & DO the self care things I know are good for me.
The self care rituals are listed in atlas of darkness, there is no "pretending I don't know how to take care of moi"
I do know how. I may not always want to, but I certainly know how.
So I ran.
1700 stairs.
I ran fast & hard & listening to music & sweat.
The sun felt good. My racing heart made me feel alive. The stairs felt loyal & stable - & I need that ... loyal. I need loyal.
It made me feel a bit better, that's what self-care does -- it's makes us feel a little better in the moment.
It's not about changing the situation or wishing for something different. It's not about the tomorrow's or the yesterdays, self-care is about the "what can I do right fucking now to nourish my soul?". Today I ran. Then I went to the dog park. Then I ate food.
One step at a time.
Slow & steady.
This heart of mine has taken a beating, I'm shocked at the pain it's enduring -- it's unlike anything I've ever known.
But there are 2 choices: accept it & move forward with humility, awe & gratitude or lay down & metaphorically die.
Well, it's not my mother fucking time people, so I'll be over here self-caring & finding the glimmers of magic.
One day I know there will be enough of a glimmer that I will feel joy again.
I know that.
Until then, I'll be surfing the authenticity of what shows up.
Ps: this is an old selfie. My puffy eyes look different that the eyes in this pic. But this pic reminds me of who kori is & that makes me hopeful

Find the magic.
Choose the light.
Open your heart.
Love wins.
One step at a time.

Some days grief digs her claws into me & I cannot stop fucking crying. Hot damn, I am so sick of crying. So sick of it. The waves hit & I start to drown & sometimes it lasts days.
Today was day three of a big wave.
Three days of "back to the start grief". 66 days of this intense storm.
Then half way through my day, I got up, wiped my tears away, & said fuck this shit, it's time to find the magic again.
Pity party is over.
Victim mode is expired.
It is what it is, these circumstances of life.
BUT, there is so much - SO MUCH - to be grateful for.
I drank cacao, got on my knees & prayed & played my singing bowls.
It helped.
Tonight I pulled out my journal & rather than writing a sob story, I wrote down "ENERGY LEAKS" (I teach this on a course in the ritual of self care) & identified a few key things that are robbing me of my life force.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not pushing the notion of denying or changing our authentic feelings -- I 'let' myself be swallowed by the grief for as long as she needed too -- I'm just saying, know when enough is enough.
Know when to get up, dust your knees off & keep going.
I know the wave will come back again. I loved so very, very deeply -- the wound that will leave a scar is enormous. It's fucking huge. But that's ok, I think it's a good thing to love real deep.
But the wound -- oh shit, this wound -- I can feel the shards of my heart ripping open my insides.
I know the healing journey is just that, a journey.
It's not going to happen over night.
It's going to take time.
But I also can see gratitude, thriving plants, potential, possibility, love & beauty. I can see hope.
These ashes are the perfect environment for the new me to fucking blossom.
Sober. 177 days to be exact.
So much to be grateful for. So much.
I am rising.
I am choosing the light.
I am choosing love.
Over & over & over again, I choose love.
Pic: @hipsobriety (again, love her work.. go check it out)

This "dark night of the soul" has me on my knees every day in prayer.
Devotion seems to be one of my greatest forms of nourishment right now. & cacao, which is perfect considering that cacao is a heart opening divine food, helping us to connect to the cosmos & the realms of the unseen.
Isolating, depressing, anxiety provoking, shell-shocking, dark.... yup, the divine is with me & she is recalibrating me to my very core.
I surrender.

It's my little Atreyu's birthday 🎉 he's two today. 🐶🐾
I love this pooch beyond words.
Happy birthday little villain 🎈 🎉 🎈
#gratitude #angel #dogsofinstgram

No matter how bad it hurts to walk away, do yourself an act of love & stop tolerating being treated like shit.
Walk away, there are better things that await you, I promise.
Pic: @spiritual_af

The ride of grief for me has been totally insane.
There are mini waves of grief inside of medium waves inside of larger waves. They eb by the minute & hour & day. They take my breath away & the big waves leave me on my knees gasping for air. There have been three big waves in the 66 days of this oceanic storm, 3 big waves that left me breathless on the shore of my own life, only to pull me back into the depths moments later.
This ocean is trying to drown me, & in the process of the darkest moments it is changing me on cellular level. It's transforming me. It's amazing. It's humbling.
It's been wild.
But as I have learned to sit in this & face this darkness without numbing or running or using vices, I have found some beautiful things.
I have found the voice of god, she speaks to me through people & numbers. I have found the power of humility & get-down-on-your-knees-prayer. I have discovered the feeling of what if feels like to be prayed for, because when I have been weak, your prayers have held me up. I have learned (finally) to slow the fuck down & live moment to moment. I have found the magic in dropping the illusion of control. I found the flow, I found my flow.
Yes, my heart remains broken.
Yes, the fire still rages on.
But wow, i am finding a magic I have never known. I am finding my anchor to be gratitude & acceptance.
It's painful & outrageously beautiful all at once.
What a magic experience grief can be if we allow it.
Pic: @teganjaydutton

Fuck yes.
Thanks my sister B, @spicyyogi for posting this

Even in the stormiest of seas & the darkest of nights, there is such beauty.
Finding the divinity in darkness, rooting myself in gratitude & allowing the river of emotions to flow in all of its grandiose breathtaking beauty.
Pic: @teganjaydutton

When you think you can't keep going, take another step.
When the oxygen in our atmosphere feels heavy & the lungs feel like they are drowning in what should be sustaining, breathe another breath.
When the storm is so vast it feels it will take you out, set another sail.
When the tears won't stop, keep crying.
When it feels like there is no light, that the darkness will swallow you - have faith.
Have faith.
Have faith.
This too shall pass dear human.
Pic: @teganjaydutton

Life on life's terms.
Love wins.
Love is the answer.
Love heals.
All tonight's mantras.
Thanks @smike.dee for the pep talk ❤️ Pic: @hipsobriety

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