Anymore, I really only count months of sobriety when I have something to say. 21 months in and my sobriety, of course, continues to evolve almost daily. The last few months have left me hyper-aware of just how normal it is in our society to swallow and ignore emotions that come up completely naturally and are begging for examination. — I had a conversation with a friend this weekend and he said something about emotional disorders that is so insightful I still haven't stopped thinking about it, days later. We were discussing trying to lead a functional life while struggling with an emotional disorder and he casually mentioned that the behavior of every single person on this planet is unique. Unless you have an emotional disorder, that is. Once you have developed an emotional disorder of any kind, your behavior becomes completely predictable. — As a recovering addict, I can verify that this is absolutely true. I can now look back and see my behavioral patterns so clearly, it's laughable. I tried 100 different stupid ways to get sober. I would fuck everything up at the exact moment I needed NOT TO. I isolated myself, I was angry, I was numbing out, I was volatile, I pushed everyone away as hard as could. But most importantly, my disease was progressive. I was going downhill fast, it was only a matter of time. — A few weeks ago, someone asked me how I got sober. Not how I've maintained it, but how did I get to a point there was even something to maintain? While trying to answer this question, I finally realized what it was that broke me out of my cycle.
First of all, I walked out of a mental hospital (YEAH, that's right! I woke up unknowingly committed to a mental hospital, like something out of an awesome scary movie I would totally watch) with enough Ativan in my system to put a large horse down for a long nap. Then, the next day, I did something new. I didn't shame the hell out of myself for my life. Instead of making sure I was punishing myself for just how much of a piece of shit I was... I didn't. I just sat there. I sat there for a lot of days in a row, not punishing myself for once. (continued in comments)