kodanko kodanko

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Kels Kodanko  A sexy, fun bitch who just bought you a PIÑATA!

Really good at falling in. Really bad at getting back out.

Well, there's a snow cone shack outside of my apartment now. So I can never move.

o n e y e a r ✨

Part 3/3

On this day last year, I woke up in eastern Idaho in the middle of nowhere in extreme withdrawal. I chugged my last half bottle of wine to stop my shaking and decided it was time to try and get home. Or at least get the fuck away from where I was. I made it to Twin before I knew I needed more alcohol very soon or my body was going to start shutting down.
If you've never experienced withdrawal, I hope you never have to. Its really difficult to explain how it feels until you've been there, and for me the hardest part to articulate is the debilitating mental fog. When I was in withdrawal, it was difficult to form complete sentences in my head. I would look at a cup and not be able to tell you that that thing you drink out of is called a fucking "CUP". It was so strange. So I can't really piece together the rest of this day last year, but it involved more alcohol, a brief contemplation of stealing a dog, being an enormous burden on my family, and another trip to the hospital for what turned out to be my last round of inpatient, supervised withdrawal.

The last thing I want to say before I finally shut up about all of this is that I'm not trying to be an example of sobriety for anyone. I'm not trying to offer a solution or tell anyone how to get sober. I'm sure I have a lot of AA friends who have been reading these posts and eye rolling the hardest because I am by no means an authority on how to do sobriety "right". The only thing I'm trying to be an example of is an addict, who is now sober. In my addiction, I was completely positive I was the worst person to ever exist. And the only thing that made me feel any better was to read other former addict's stories. They made me feel less alone and gave me the tiniest bit of hope when this disease was kicking me in the teeth the hardest.
I did a lot of stupid, reckless, dangerous shit in my drinking/using career. I'm proud of none of it. But I know that if more people had been open and honest about it when I was still "out", I would have felt less shame and maybe could have gotten sober earlier. (...)

My last few posts have come straight from the heart but I just want to say I also relate to this on a spiritual level.

Part 2/60

Just kidding. Part 2/3. This caption is 1) part of an email I sent to a friend who is working towards getting sober and had some questions about how it happened for me. 2) in two parts because Instagram is trying to send me a hint that I'm ignoring.
___________________________________ "As far as getting through the day and dealing with discomfort... Towards the end there, the first thing I did every morning was drink myself out of withdrawal just to be able to get out of bed and live in my own head. I literally couldn't be alone with my thoughts for 5 minutes. Even just the thought of having to sit in a quiet room with no distractions would immediately send me into panic mode. So the idea of being sober EVER seemed like a completely ridiculous concept to me.
At the end of it all, I genuinely didn't worry about sobriety or planning for the future because I was 90% sure "this shit" was going to kill me. But preceding that, I realized later that I was waiting for one day when I would wake up and be like, "Okay, I'm ready to be done forever now." Like something so bad was going to happen that the idea of never drinking again seemed better than the alternative. Well, surprise, that day never came. But what did happen was something so bad that I woke up the next day and said, "Okay... I'll stay sober today." Maybe this will sound weird, or maybe you will totally understand, but throughout my addiction I genuinely couldn't remember what life without alcohol or being fucked up in some way even was. I would look at other people who function normally like they were fucking aliens. Like, how do they just do that? How do they just go to work or run to the store or be alive when there's alcohol and drugs? How are they not completely consumed by this shit like I am? I literally couldn't even plan far enough ahead to buy enough wine for the day the first time I went to the store. Always had to go twice. (...)

One of the memories that is most important to me from my active addiction is a conversation I had with my brother over the holidays in 2015. We were sitting at my mom's house and he said to me, "I don't get it. You're smart, you had to have known that what you were doing was unhealthy. So how did it happen in the first place?" If you don't understand addict behavior, join the club. We don't understand it either. The best answer I could give my brother is that by the time I accepted and realized I was an addict, I had already torn my life down to the point that I really just didn't care. I hadn't been taking care of myself for a long time at that point. I'd changed jobs, gone through a painful breakup, moved apartments, absolutely wrecked my body, and that was honestly just the start. The fact that I was an alcoholic held little weight compared to all the other problems I had created, and it was far preferable to stay numb than to look any of that in the face.
Eventually I moved on from that set of problems to a whole new set. I was still drinking/using and although I knew I was an addict, I firmly believed that when "the time was right" I could stop on my own. Turns out that time was rock bottom, this exact week last year. I was discharged from a 28 day rehab program on the 5th of July, and within two hours I was so drunk I couldn't even walk. Why? I still don't really know. My best attempt at trying to make sense of it is just that if you're an addict, you'll know when you're ready to get sober. When you're finally sick of thinking things couldn't get any worse and always being able to prove yourself wrong. I guess I wasn't ready yet.
Don't worry about understanding an addict, because not even addicts really understand addicts. We know the tendency towards self-destruction and the comfort of just leaning into that behavior, but that doesn't make it logical. All I know is, I'm really glad I was finally ready because this sober life is THE. REALEST. SHIT.

Ps. If you're getting sick of this addict talk, bear with me. I promise I'll shut up about it soon.

Let's talk about the coolest problem I have: You know that feeling when it's your birthday, and everyone gathers around you and sings happy birthday while staring at you? That awkward, what-do-I-do-with-my-hands, equal parts good, equal parts uncomfortable feeling.
Well, my people threw me a party last night. A lot of my very favorite humans were there, and those that couldn't be all reached out to me. They all gathered around me and made me feel all sorts of feelings about my one year sobriety date that's comin' in hot. On July 12 it will be a year since the last time I had a sip of alcohol (or chugged half a bottle of wine in 30 seconds, which was my equivalent). Publicly posting about my addiction has been really healing for me, and it has sometimes been helpful for others. So I'm going to keep talking about it. But this time, all I have to say is thank you. Thank you to everyone who made me feel ALL of the love and support, not just last night when it was easy but also at this time last year when I was in a black hole deeper and darker than I had ever imagined existed.
I've said it before and probably won't ever stop saying it: this life is so fucking weird. And I wouldn't ever trade it. We didn't get many pictures last night, but thank you to everyone who came. Especially these girls. I love you so much it hurts in a good way and I still don't know what to do with my hands.


An entire empty park to play in but he would rather just sit directly on top of me.

Why am I missing SLC so bad lately? Somebody make it stop.

Murder on my mind. Or maybe just a more professional photo for my website. Whatever.

I'm coming up on 11 months sober and I've been thinking a lot lately about the contradictory emotions that's created for me. I wake up every day, ready to go about not only living my life, but loving my life. And also at least once a day, I realize how strange that is. Logically, I shouldn't be alive right now. And I sure as hell shouldn't be happy and have the life that I do.
Exactly a year ago, I was fucking wasted, getting ready to be dropped off at rehab in southern Idaho. If you want to see crazy, try a rehab center where the only thing for locals to do within 100 miles is shoot guns. Or meth.
It was really easy to get caught up in the drama of an inpatient rehab center, but the truth is, I was just as crazy as anybody else there. And my track record proved it. I had just left Portland with a BAC so high I was admitted to the hospital for 3 days. Immediately upon release, I got drunk. I went into a 28 day inpatient program, completed it, and within 2 hours of my discharge, I was FUCKING D R U N K. Luckily that was the start of the worst week of my life. And getting sober would finally stick.
I still don't understand exactly how I was one of the lucky ones. One of the addicts who could finally come up for air and decide to stay there. But holy shit, I'm fucking grateful. And I didn't do it alone. My friends and family who got me here know who they are, and I'm thinking of you this week. Thanks for never giving up on my crazy ass.

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