Today I celebrate 1 year sober. People always ask: why? And my response is that I was tired of being so sad, and I wanted to feel better. And the obvious thing to do was to cut out alcohol. On February 4 2018 I said fuck this, I’m done with alcohol. Naive little me expected that within a few weeks I’d be feeling energized, motivated, happy even! After 100 days or so I’d be back in the groove and ready to drink again. Boy was I wrong. Around day 45 I felt more depressed than I can ever remember feeling. I couldn’t live like this. It wasn’t fair. I gave up alcohol & what I get in return is a darker depression? Bullshit. But I learned that this wasn’t bullshit. This pain, this agony… this was my reality. This is what it feels like to feel. These are real, non numbed feelings, and now that i felt them in all their terrible glory, I could finally acknowledged the magnitude of my depression - and I was ready to tackle the beast. They say in recovery (both with substances and mental health) that the biggest hurdle is being open & ready to change. And I was fucking ready.
I’m doing it. I’m working on myself, I’m bettering myself, and I’m actually feeling better. None of this would have been possible if I had continued to drink. Being sober opened my eyes - and I didn’t love what I saw. But instead of hiding from it, I faced my problems & my demons head on. I’m still fighting for my happiness every day, and probably will have to fight for the rest of my life. Why? Because I am worth it. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. I deserve to LOVE MYSELF. I am so fucking proud of myself, and I’m so thankful for the people in my life who have helped me through this all. My friends, my family, my doctor, the strangers at CAMH group therapy - I couldn’t have done it without you. My 100 day challenge lasted longer than I planned, 365 days and counting. I have a lot of work left to do, but the future is bright and I am ready. And I am not going to let alcohol stand in the way. I want to feel the highs, and I want to feel the lows. I want to really and truly live. Cherish the moments, big or small. Now, to celebrate I shall eat ALL THE MCDONALDS.