Blog sorta post:
Change as uncomfortable as it may be at first, can be one of the best things. It forces adaptation and makes you realize what you had isn't always what you really wanted. It's taken me a while to finally get it, and it's still uncomfortable.
Change is good, and change is something I have experienced quite a bit of late.
A few months ago I had what I would consider to have been "in love" with someone I hadn't spent enough time to be in love with. When I had first hung out with her, I felt a familiar connection. I felt like I had met someone who finally understood everything about me, and I felt the same about her.
However, the brightest flame burns fast. She stopped talking to me and it wrenched my heart. Though I had only known her a little over 2 weeks, it still felt like something was torn apart from me. I stopped being as productive at work. Sleep was the only thing I wanted to do. I felt as if I broke up with my long time ex again.
It took me a while to realize, but I never loved her. Every time I smiled at her, I smiled with an idea. Every kiss was a kiss that wasn't truly with her. I was reaching for someone else and she just happened to take my hand. I was in love with the relationship, not with her.
I finally realized I needed help. I started going back to counseling and finally got on medication. I started making healthier life choices. I quit the job I was struggling in and wanting to love, and started in a call center instead of a secluded warehouse. I even started going out on dates, to meet new people and finally look at what I love in a person, not just a relationship. All of these things I thought I'd never have to, or would want to do.
It's all been good for me. I don't get depressed like I used to. I love the job I'm doing. I love the friends I have, and the people I work with and occasionally socialize with. I finally feel alive and full of energy, and not a slothful husk trying to get by day to day with my depression. My "it gets better" I feel has finally come, and It's just the start.
I look forward to more changes, even if they're at first terrifying.
And as always, I love all of you ❤️