julia_lucy_hope julia_lucy_hope

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Julia Lucy Hope  🖤Trying to finally make peace with my mind and my body🖤 💀I put the "hot" in psychotic💀 ♡👣 Recovering 👣♡ #anorexiarecovery

My loves, I am so sorry for my absence here, but things have been quite stressful. Things haven't really changed: I still have seizures and I am still trying to juggle the countless doctor visits, trying to maintain a social life and giving my body the rest it desperately needs.
Some days ago I fucked up my knee during one of my seizures and it huuuuurts (swipe to see a picture➡️, but I warn you it is gross lol).
The good news is that I have found a doctor that has at least stated willingness to run further tests on me to try and figure out what the cause of the seizures is. He is the first doctor that didn't just dismiss me with "I am sorry, but I have no idea what's wrong with you", so I am hopeful that I will maybe get some answers.
I wish I had more exciting and interesting things to tell you about, but that is just what is going on in my life at the moment.
I love you all so much and I will try to be more active on here because I miss talking to you all❤❤❤
#anorexia #anorexianervosa #anarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #ana #eatingdisorder #edfighter #recoveryisworthit #recoverywarrior #edfamily #mentalhealthmatters #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #mentalillness #realrecovery #selflove #loveyourself #bodypositivity #eatingdisorderawareness #progresspicture #progresspic #strongnotskinny #girlgains #selfloveisthebestlove #magersucht #essstörung #gains #booty🍑 #bootyfordays

I was very unsure about whether to post these pictures or not, but I have decided to share my life with all of you and this includes the good AND the bad. Life isn't always pretty and I think a little more reality on social media is a good thing so here we go:
The last weeks have been very hard tbh. I have been in the hospital sooo many times. (Swipe➡️ to see some sexy hospital pics lol)
My whole body hurts because I pretty much hurt myself every time I have a seizure (which is between 3 times a week to 3 times a day). On Thursday, I fell down a whole flight of stairs and my face is pretty fucked up as you can see. I have more bruises than I can count, stitches on various parts of my body, my finger is partially fractured, I smashed my teeth out 3 times in the last two weeks (!) and it is honestly starting to take a toll on me. I have a very, very high pain tolerance but my whole body constantly feels like an open wound and it's beginning to be incredibly exhausting.
We still have no answers as to why I have these seizures and I have around 5 new doctors that I can add to my list of "I am sorry, but I can't help you".
This post has no real conclusion, I am still very much in the process of figuring out how to go from here.
All of this probably sounds like an extreme pity party, but this is just the truth of my current situation. Don't get me wrong - I am still holding up pretty well (if I may say so myself lol) and between being frustrated and exhausted I am still fighting and deep down still hopeful that this whole thing will work out somehow. And I have an amazing family and amazing friends who are taking good care of me.
I thank you SO MUCH for all of your tips and even if I don't reply to every single one of you, I will look into all of your suggestions (especially the CBD oil).
All I can say is THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART and I will keep you updated. ❤❤❤❤❤

Just a little reminder that wounds heal and scars fade - the ones on your skin AND the ones on the inside❤
I get asked a lot about how I deal with people staring at my scars. One thing that has helped me a lot: When somebody is looking at you and your scars, it does not necessarily mean that they are thinking stuff like "oh my God look at this crazy little psycho bitch, wtf is wrong with her?!". A lot of people just stare because they have never seen anything like that before. They probably just wonder where the scars are from and just stare at it because they don't understand. AND THAT IS COMPLETELY HUMAN.
If I see somebody with no arms, I look at them too - it's almost a reflex.
Don't get me wrong - some people are just assholes and do judge others based on how they look, but DO NOT ALWAYS ASSUME THE WORST IN PEOPLE.
Not everybody that looks at your scars hates you or thinks you're ugly or whatever.
Give people the benefit of the doubt. Give YOURSELF the benefit of the doubt.
Most people aren't virulent bigots. And the ones who are: fuck them. Don't waste a single thought on them.
Don't be so hard on yourself. And don't be so hard on others🌺
#thereisalwayshope #itgetsbetter #beyourownkindofbeautiful #gettinghealthy #weightgain #healthiswealth #allbodiesaregoodbodies #everythingispossible

(Swipe for some sexy hospital selfies haha➡️)
Hey my loves♡
Sorry for being so inactive on here these past days. The situation is still pretty much the same. I still have seizures somewhere between twice a day and every other day. The most annoying thing is that I often hurt myself when I fall. Just in the last weeks I had to get around 20 stitches in my hand because I had a seizure while holding a glass. I had to get stitches in my lip twice, I smashed one of my teeth, I fell on my knee and got a big infection in it, I fell on my hand and tore the ligament in my finger (fingers crooossed that I won't need surgery!), I hit my head so hard that I had to get a CT scan twice and my whole body is just bruised and fucked up and it hurts.
What is even worse is that it seems like no doctor on the fucking planet knows what's wrong with me or even wants to help me find out.
I have heard the words "I am sorry, but I unfortunately cannot help you" just too many fucking times to the point where I am just so so so extremely frustrated. I know I sound like a whiny bitch and I probably am and I know that a lot of people have it a lot worse but FUUUCCCKKK this whole situation is just so stupid. I am gonna see some specialists again next week and if they say the same crap like everybody else then I honestly don't know what to do.
So yeah....sorry for my self-pity party, usually I am not like that...but again, I am just frustrated!
Love you all so much! Thank you for supporting me during this time, it honestly means the world to me💘💘💘💘💘

2014 -> 2018
Dear 2014 Julia,
I miss you. A lot of the time, I wish I were still you. But three years have gone by and we are not the same person anymore.
I think about you a lot. I talk and write about you here and there. And I often do it in a snobby way... I describe you as somebody who was weak, as somebody inferior to who I am now. As if I were ashamed of you.
But that isn't fair.
You are in fact one of the strongest people I know. You were so sick, so afraid, so exhausted and hopeless. It would have been so much easier to just give up. Oh you were so desperately close to not making it. It would have taken another month or a week, maybe even just one more day and it would have been over.
Sometimes I hate you for not just letting go. You could have just closed your eyes and keep drifting further  and further away...
But you didn't. I look into your tired, lifeless eyes and I don't understand where you took that strength from, but you made the brave decision to fight for your life. For MY life. And oh Lord, what a fight it has been! So many tears, so many sleepless nights and endless pain. But you did it.
I am only here today because of you. Sometimes I love you for it, sometimes I hate you.
Sometimes I ask myself: If you could see me now, would you be proud of who I am today? Did I let you down because I am still struggling? Are you disappointed because the battles you bravely started are still far from won?
I am doing the best that I can. Just like you did.
Dear 2014 Julia. I am not ashamed of you. You are always gonna be a part of who I am, but I have to let you go. I will carry you in my heart forever, but I have to find who I can be without you.
You did so well. Every positive emotion I have, I only have because of you. Every smile, every dream, every song, every poem, every step...I owe it all to you.
Thank you for not choosing the easy way out. Thank you for sparing my family from the ultimate pain of losing a daughter and sister. Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for saving my life.
I am gonna make you proud.
Yours sincerely,
2018 Julia❤

(Please read till the end!)
A lot of you have asked me if I can design a meal plan for you to help you with gaining weight or recovery in general. I am sorry to say but the answer is and will always be NO.
Not because I don't wanna help you, BUT BECAUSE I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO DO SO.
I would be extremely careful with everybody that tells you that they can give you any sort of medical advice over the internet.
I honestly cringe every time some random social media person gives out meal plans ESPECIALLY for people recovering from an eating disorder.
I know that 99% of these people do it with good intentions, but WE HAVE TO KNOW OUR LIMITS!
I can give you tips on how to deal with bad thoughts / self-harm urges / bad body image but even then these will be just my personal experiences. But other than "you need to be in a caloric surplus to gain weight" and things that helped me personally (like focusing on calorie-dense foods like nuts), I cannot give you any solid advice on what you should eat.
People, this shit can be dangerous!!!
I will give you an example: I recently saw a recovery account that gave out a "recovery meal plan" and honestly in my eyes the plan looked reasonable, BUT (!!!!) it was high in protein and there's nothing wrong with that per se IF - AND ONLY IF - your kidneys function normally.
This might not be such an issue in the general population BUT IN PEOPLE WITH ANOREXIA, KIDNEY DAMAGE IS QUITE COMMON! If you have kidney damage, you have to limit protein. Re-feeding syndrome is another thing that gets overlooked far too often.
Things like this HAVE to be considered for every person individually with the help of medical tests. As great and helpful as recovery accounts can be - this is a limit that we all should be very conscious of.
Eating disorders are deadly illnesses and social media people - myself very much included - aren't qualified enough to "treat" such things over the internet.
Be careful people. When in doubt ALWAYS talk to a doctor before making any medical decisions.
I love you all guys.

2016 -> 2018
Never look back...unless you want to check out the booty😜🍑
By the way...do you see the massive bruises on my pelvic bones? Yeah...that was just from sitting and lying in bed. It was sore and painful as fuck...and people say anorexia is glamourous smh🤦
So yeah perks of recovery: being able to sit without pain👏🏻 and of course getting your ass back😅👌🏻👀
#anorexia #anorexianervosa #anarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #ana #eatingdisorder #edfighter #recoveryisworthit #recoverywarrior #edfamily #mentalhealthmatters #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #mentalillness #realrecovery #selflove #loveyourself #bodypositivity #eatingdisorderawareness #progresspicture #progresspic #strongnotskinny #girlgains #selfloveisthebestlove #magersucht #essstörung #gains #booty🍑 #bootyfordays

A lot of you have been asking for an update on my medical situation...first of all: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE AND CARING MESSAGES❤. I cannot reply to each of you individually and I have been generally shit with getting back to people, but things are quite stressful and my brain is a mess, but your messages truly mean the world to me.
So on to the update: Well...there isn't a whole lot to update on yet. I still have seizures. I have seen a lot of different doctors and have done many tests and the results do give us some answers but they pose even more questions. I am not gonna get into the medical details yet (mostly because I don't understand them myself lol). But a lot of very bad things are ruled out which is great and I am really relieved about that!!
The most exhausting thing is that EVERYBODY that looks at my case seems to have a different opinion on what's going on and everybody is convinced that their theory is correct and I have no idea who to listen to at the moment...
Everything is messy and we have so many questions with very few answers, but I remain hopeful that things will sort themselves out somehow. I have an amazing sister, amazing parents, amazing friends and great medical professionals on my side and I am so grateful for all the support - online and in real life - that I get❤
#anorexia #anorexianervosa #anarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #ana #eatingdisorder #edfighter #recoveryisworthit #recoverywarrior #edfamily #mentalhealthmatters #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #mentalillness #realrecovery #selflove #loveyourself #bodypositivity #eatingdisorderawareness #progresspicture #progresspic #strongnotskinny #girlgains #selfloveisthebestlove #magersucht #essstörung #gains #booty🍑 #bootyfordays

Even on your darkest days, remember that there is somebody who prays for the things that you have.🙏

Things have been quite difficult these past days. Hours upon hours spent in hospitals and doctor's offices, countless tests done and very few answers.
I had my first tonic-clonic seizure yesterday and was rushed to the hospital. No new results. We don't know what's wrong with me yet. More tests coming.
I am not gonma lie...the situation is extremely exhausting and frustrating.
But I am doing my best to remain positive and find the silver lining in things.
Not to long ago a situation like this would have completely broken me. I would have been like "to hell with all of this!" and probably would have gone back to cutting and losing weight.
But I have been down that road too many fucking times already. I know better now.
I am still clean from self-harm. My weight remains stable and I have not restricted my food intake one bit.
And most importantly, I have an amazing family that supports me unconditionally. I have incredibly loyal friends. I have a place to live. I have access to medical treatment. I have so much. And I will never take that for granted.
It is true what they say: It doesn't really get easier, but you get a hell of a lot stronger💪🏻
#anorexia #anorexianervosa #anarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #ana #eatingdisorder #edfighter #recoveryisworthit #recoverywarrior #edfamily #mentalhealthmatters #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #mentalillness #realrecovery #selflove #loveyourself #bodypositivity #eatingdisorderawareness #progresspicture #progresspic #strongnotskinny #girlgains #selfloveisthebestlove #magersucht #essstörung #gains #booty🍑 #bootyfordays

Does anybody else with mental illness find it extremely difficult to get taken seriously by doctors?
My experience has been (with a few exceptions) that doctors either look at my diagnoses - especially the Borderline personality disorder! - and go like "oh all your symptoms MUST be just in your head, this is all just you being severely mentally ill so let's pump you full of some more psych meds!" or they look at my ridiculously long health record and are like "Jesus Christ, your case is so complex and like way out of my field of expertise, I have no idea what's wrong with you, I can't help you, sorry!".
Yeah that's great, but what if you are in nobody's field of expertise?! What do you do? Who do you go to?
I am tired of being pushed from doctor to doctor and either being treated like a crazy person or being told that nobody knows what's wrong...
(Oh and a little update from my cardiologist appointment: I have a pretty big pericardial effusion, which means water around my heart. And yes they said it is almost certainly caused by my anorexia. Doctors have no idea yet whether this is the cause for my symptoms...I am now hooked up to a heart monitor that I carry around with me and in 3 weeks I get the results...fingers crossed that I don't have to get an operation to drain the effusion🙏)
#anorexia #anorexianervosa #anarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #ana #eatingdisorder #edfighter #recoveryisworthit #recoverywarrior #edfamily #mentalhealthmatters #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #mentalillness #realrecovery #selflove #loveyourself #bodypositivity #eatingdisorderawareness #progresspicture #progresspic #strongnotskinny #girlgains #selfloveisthebestlove #magersucht #essstörung #gains #booty🍑 #bootyfordays

Okay it's time for an update I guess⬇
As some of you know, I have spent most of the last two weeks in hospitals or doctor's offices.
For the last approximately 6 years, I have had a problem with collapsing randomly. It happens somewhere between every week to every day. I have had countless tests done and most doctors thought it was probably due to low blood pressure as a result of my severe eating disorder.
During the last weeks, it has gotten worse though, which doesn't make a lot of sense because I am at the highest weight I have been in about 8 years and I am following my meal plan, so it doesn't make any sense that it would get worse.
I have been to a lot of different doctors again and we don't really know anything yet. The tests that we did didn't give us any clear results.
One doctor thinks it could be a heart arrhythmia, maybe caused by the anorexia or my psych meds.
Two other doctors said that to them it looks more like a rarer form of epilepsy. Other suggestions have been: nerve damage that results in blood pressure drops, electrolyte imbalances, non-epileptic seizure disorder and some other stuff I cannot remember.
I have a ton of tests coming up and I am nervous. I don't really want yet another diagnosis, but I also need this problem fixed. It is so annoying if you just randomly collapse everywhere. Just last week I passed out with a glass in my hand, the glass broke and I have a massive cut in my hand and had to get stitches. Because my immune system is shit, it has gotten very badly infected and now I am on several different antibiotics.
I was also kicked out of my group therapy that I started for my Borderline personality disorder, because I collapsed there and it is "too much to handle for them". This honestly completely broke my heart. Being basically told that you're too much of a burden on others just sucks.
So yeah, that's the current sotuation. It is extremely difficult for me tbh.
But I will get through it somehow.
I will keep you all updated✊🏻

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