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julia_lucy_hope julia_lucy_hope

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Julia Lucy Hope  🖤Trying to finally make peace with my mind and my body🖤 💀I put the "hot" in psychotic💀 ♡👣 Recovering 👣♡

Lessons the last week taught me:
- I spend 50% of my life being so angry/scared/hurt/frustrated/jealous/upset/... that I do and say stupid shit and the other 50% with trying to undo all the damage from all the stupid shit I did and said when I was angry/scared/hurt/frustrated/jealous/upset.
- I gloriously suck at being a normal human being.
- My mouth is a lot quicker than my brain and it's a serious problem.
- I have a tendency to fuck shit up wherever I go and leave nothing but chaos.
- I feel sorry for everybody that has to deal with my crazy ass.
- I am really really trying my hardest to act like a normal person(but it's not really working unfortunately).

I have said it a million times and I am gonna say it a million times more: It doesn't matter where you are right now or where you want to be, all you have to do is TAKE THE FIRST STEP👣. Even a journey of a million miles begins with the first step. I have spent years trying to figure my whole life out and then getting so overwhelmed that I ended up doing nothing. You don't have to have everything figured out right now. Speed doesn't matter. Forward is forward. One step at a time✊🏻❤

This is going to be kind of an update I guess? Here we go👇🏻
Sorry for being so half-assed with this account during the last weeks. I caught a virus over a month ago and my body always needs a hell of a lot of time to recover (thanks long-term damage from amorexia). I have not been feeling too well and have been fighting crippling fatigue, low blood pressure and all those fun things. I have had some little set-backs in terms of eating but I am back on track with that now.
Battling an eating disorder for almost 10 years is exhausting - physically and mentally. I have been very frustrated by everything and just want to be done with this recovery-thing but I have to remind myself that RECOVERY IS NOT LINEAR AND HEALING TAKES A LOT OF TIME. It is okay that I am not fully there yet and it's okay to struggle. As long as I keep going in the right direction, I will get there.
On a more positive note: The new group therapy that I started is amazing!! The other patients are super lovely and the two instructors are very very good as well! Really excited for all the things I will be able to learn there.
So don't worry about me guys!! I need some time to fully feel like myself again and then I will be back to posting regularly I promise! Thank you so much to all of you who are sticking around I love you aaalll❤❤❤❤❤

Depression isnt always
Blank stares and Sobbing eyes.
Much more often it is a question
"Are you okay?"
Followed by feeling the grip of two tiny hands
Pulling at the corners of your mouth
Bending your lips into a crooked smile
Super glue cementing your teeth shut
And an invisible force
Nodding your head "yes"
When actually all you want to do
Is scream
~ Julia Lucy Hope

"Let's claw out our eyeballs!
I will take yours
And you can have mine.
It seems to me that
We should look at ourselves
Through the eyes of others
A lot more often.
Because when i look at you
I dont see any of the nasty things
That your eyes see in yourself.
And when you look at me
Your eyes are far kinder on me
Than I am on myself.
Let's switch eyeballs!
Tearing them out it will hurt
But never as badly
As that little voice
That insults us everytime
We look in the mirror."
~ Julia Lucy Hope

Anorexia vs Recovery
Imagine anorexia as a road that eventually leads to death. You have been riding on this road for a long time, many many years probably. Every time you drive on this road, it gets bigger. You learn to drive faster and faster. After years of riding the "anorexia road" it has grown into a gigantic multi-lane highway. You feel safe on there. Safe enough to bomb down the road at break neck speed. This road has become easy, but it is still a dead end street with only one destination: death.
Now imagine that you are trying to go into the other direction (recovery). Well, there is no road. So you leave the anorexia motorway and find yourself in a dense forest. You try to take the first step and you trip over a stone and land right on your face! "Screw this" you say and go back to your highway.
Some days later you try again to get off this road to death, this time you are determined not to go back. You fight your way through sticks and stones, trip over everything, scratch your skin open and after 2 hours you are bruised, bleeding and crying in pain. You look back and get angry because in these 2 hours you have only gotten ahead some meters. "Screw this" you say and back to highway anorexia it is.
This continues for weeks, months and years.
But every time you decide to fight your way through the forest, it gets a little easier. At first it may only be a little dirt path, but the more stones and tree branches you get out of your way, they easier it becomes to walk. Sure you always see the big and safe anorexia road right next to you, but that road hasn't gotten as big as it is now over night. You built it with years of self-destructive behaviour.
So you have to build your road to recovery with days, weeks, months and years of self-care.
It is gonna hurt, you will fall, bruise and bleed. But you have to focus on the fact that this is the only road that leads to life and happiness.
Keep walking, keep crawling and some day you will find that you built yourself a whole new highway. A highway to a healthy and happy life. Some days you will miss your old anorexia motorway, that's okay.
The road that you choose to build, will grow.
Choose the right road👣

I may not look too happy in this picture (damn you resting bitch face syndrome lol😅) but I am actually in a pretty good mood atm🌞 the new therapy that I started is really great and I am excited for what I will be able to learn there. I am also a bit more active, I leave the house more often, I see my friends more, I am finding my interests again (science books🤓) and I just overall feel more alive than when I was starving myself and self-harm excessively. Recovery is hard and every day is still a battle, but I am slowly starting to TRULY believe that there is a life for me beyond my illness. And it feels really good❤
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Got this amazingly cosy hoodie from @iloveyou_youareloved 💜 Sometimes we all need some positive affirmations to remind ourselves of our worth. So if nobody has told you today: YOU ARE LOVED🖤🖤🖤
(And no, I am not getting paid for this post. I just really love the message of this company.)
.#thereisalwayshope #itgetsbetter #beyourownkindofbeautiful #gettinghealthy #weightgain #healthiswealth #allbodiesaregoodbodies #everythingispossible #iloveyou #youareworthit #youareloved

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