@brenebrown talks at length about how JOY is our most vulnerable human emotion. We take great lengths to even fuck up our joy when we feel it w foreboding joy, when say, you’re playing w your fave human in the beach and he’s running around screaming wildly w excitement as you both jump in ocean foam and then all of a sudden you picture him getting swept out to sea and drowning, EVEN THO, you’re like no where near the edge of the waterline! THAT SHIT! •
I have memories of unbridled, unadulterated joy being dangerous for me. As a very small child regardless of what emotion I felt, it wasn’t ok, I was scolded, punished, ridiculed, beat. I learned to squash my joy.
When I was in India it was the first time in my life I felt wild joy, not for any reason other than I just existed, in the world, in that place, with those people or alone doing and seeing what I did and saw. It was the most incredible experience of my life, it was a feeling I knew I housed within me and when I got back to the US, that’s ALL I wanted to feel again but it was so hard.
I thought I found it when i was w the women I ended up engaged to but my joy, again, was stifled. I wasn’t physically beaten but unless she was in a similar space, which was rare, my expression of the joy I had being w her, having the experiences I had away from her were ridiculed or she would immediately melt down in a pile of despair so instead of getting to celebrate in the goodness I felt, I had to immediately turn my attention to placating/supporting her, almost relentlessly. At first she’d partake but the more we were together the more she’d side eye and pretend not to know me... all of this one of the many traits of individuals who have traits from the Cluster B personality disorders. I had been so good at squashing my joy since childhood that it was an easy thing to fall back into without even knowing.
This trip I took to the desert, it was my first trip to just enjoy myself, with the people I adore, including myself, since I left her. I don’t count Aya trips as rejuvenating, those are more teeth in the soul tearing out the bits that need to be healed and it’s kinda violent and NOT RESTFUL. (Cont in comments)