jessuckapow jessuckapow

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💥 j. pow 💥  Photog and ranty intuitive who’s a legit born and raised PNWer and sometimes I tell stories... 👇🏼👇🏼

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing I’ve gleamed over the last 5 years is this - you are not at fault for whatever abuse you endured, you’re not even at fault for continuing to go back (the manipulative tactics be fierce and effective as fuck) BUT you are 100% responsible for your healing from it and you are 100% responsible for figuring out what about you made you susceptible to it, why you were drawn to that/those individual(s), what patterns keep showing up and then *actively* heal the pieces of you so YOU break the cycle bcs if you don’t, no one will.

I read this book about Passive Aggressive Narcissism and in the chapter about “Who Dates a Narcissist” she only talked about how wonderful the people are who date them but never said anything remotely like - “people w a narcissistic parent(s) are more susceptible, people w anxious attachment, people who are generally co-dependent, people who have very little self worth, etc.” The problem w what she wrote is it leaves the person in a state of perpetual victimhood which does NO ONE ANY FUCKING GOOD! Healing, figuring out the bits of me that made me open/willing and dare I say, wanting this to happen, THAT part was for me to own and me only and in that statement alone is where all the power resides bcs in that statement ALL the power is with me. If it was too focused on anyone but me I would’ve gone no where. Yes, what happened was painful, it was wrong and it had a deep impact on me but you know what else? I was a primed target. I was in a REALLY bad place when we met in Vipassana. I was so depressed when I moved back from India that the 2 months prior I barely left my bed. I also was raised by an abusive father who left us when I was 12 and I hadn’t actually healed any of that shit more just suppressed it which then left me both co-dependent and anxiously attached. I know this bcs I’ve done the work to dig it all out. I dug all this out bcs I want more out of all my relationships of all kinds - family, friend and intimate and I knew that wouldn’t happen if I didn’t do my own healing and do my own work which rests on me and me alone. Time doesn’t heal shit, HEALING WORK does!

#noedit 😜

@brenebrown talks at length about how JOY is our most vulnerable human emotion. We take great lengths to even fuck up our joy when we feel it w foreboding joy, when say, you’re playing w your fave human in the beach and he’s running around screaming wildly w excitement as you both jump in ocean foam and then all of a sudden you picture him getting swept out to sea and drowning, EVEN THO, you’re like no where near the edge of the waterline! THAT SHIT! •
I have memories of unbridled, unadulterated joy being dangerous for me. As a very small child regardless of what emotion I felt, it wasn’t ok, I was scolded, punished, ridiculed, beat. I learned to squash my joy.

When I was in India it was the first time in my life I felt wild joy, not for any reason other than I just existed, in the world, in that place, with those people or alone doing and seeing what I did and saw. It was the most incredible experience of my life, it was a feeling I knew I housed within me and when I got back to the US, that’s ALL I wanted to feel again but it was so hard.

I thought I found it when i was w the women I ended up engaged to but my joy, again, was stifled. I wasn’t physically beaten but unless she was in a similar space, which was rare, my expression of the joy I had being w her, having the experiences I had away from her were ridiculed or she would immediately melt down in a pile of despair so instead of getting to celebrate in the goodness I felt, I had to immediately turn my attention to placating/supporting her, almost relentlessly. At first she’d partake but the more we were together the more she’d side eye and pretend not to know me... all of this one of the many traits of individuals who have traits from the Cluster B personality disorders. I had been so good at squashing my joy since childhood that it was an easy thing to fall back into without even knowing.

This trip I took to the desert, it was my first trip to just enjoy myself, with the people I adore, including myself, since I left her. I don’t count Aya trips as rejuvenating, those are more teeth in the soul tearing out the bits that need to be healed and it’s kinda violent and NOT RESTFUL. (Cont in comments)

This isn’t the most interesting picture I’ve posted, not even close to the most jaw dropping sight I’ve seen in the desert this past week and a half BUT something else fucking AMAZING happened here. SILENCE! I climbed over this ridge to be alone and found a big flat topped rock to sit on and get more star damage (thanks @nathanwpylestrangeplanet for that phrase I will never stop using) and figured I may as well meditate for a wee bit since I was there... sitting... and alone.

I dunno how long I had been sitting there but not long... there were flies buzzing around, birds chirping, intermittent wind, chatter from humans in the far distance, animals rustling in the bushes and then...SILENCE! I don’t mean like the quiet of nature silence, I mean the flies stopped buzzing, the birds weren’t chirping, the wind had stopped and I heard literally NOTHING! It was probably no more than 30-60 seconds and I actually searched for the sounds. In my extensive time meditating I’ve reached Pratyahara a number of times (removal of the senses) and this was NOT it bcs I wasn’t that deep into anything. All sound just ceased for that minute. I don’t think I have ever experienced that EVER! The silence was then broken by a bird chirp, the wind came back and a fly buzzed and landed on my leg but for that minute... NOTHING.

ANYWAY... I thought it was cool as fuck! 😍🤪

#explorecalifornia #travelcalifornia #igers_california #westcoastbestcoast #desertlife #artofvisuals #visualsofearth #visitcalifornia #thatcalilife #awesomeearth #superbloom #neverstopexploring #optoutside #wildernessculture #exploretocreate #welivetoexplore #theglobalwanderer #beautifuldestinations #stayandwander #californiatrails #roamtheplanet #welltraveled #passionpassport #sheexplores #wanderwashington #womenwhoexplore

Welp... found the perfect time to go to Joshua Tree! 530am!! Well from 530-10:30 is pretty solid, if you’re like me and cant stand crowds and light too bright for good pics and sweating. Also - note to self... when it’s 44 degrees outside the park at 5am there is the potential (VERY REAL POTENTIAL) it will be 28 degrees where you’re going inside the park at 530am. DULY NOTED FROZEN HANDS! I’m bringing my gloves tomorrow. 🤗 Tomorrow I also attempt both sunrise adventuring AND sunset/night shootin. We’re supposed to have clouds so that should hopefully make for some cool sky action and shade, which, not gonna lie... this lifelong PNWer wouldn’t complain about AT ALL!

#explorecalifornia #travelcalifornia #igers_california #westcoastbestcoast #desertlife #artofvisuals #visualsofearth #visitcalifornia #thatcalilife #awesomeearth #superbloom #neverstopexploring #optoutside #wildernessculture #exploretocreate #welivetoexplore #theglobalwanderer #beautifuldestinations #stayandwander #californiatrails #roamtheplanet #welltraveled #passionpassport #sheexplores #wanderwashington #womenwhoexplore

Sooooooo... lets just say this was my first time to a BIG National Park (I feel like the only people who know and love Oly and North Cascades are the PNWers who actually go out into nature tons already anyway and Mt Rainier is so fucking massive you barely see anyone) and I about got into a fight w some soccer mom in her massive SUV who was trying to get a parking spot she had already driven past and was backing up into me. I should’ve let her hit me... anyway. Ill be sticking to week days and sunrise/sunset from now on.

That all said, I drive a loop today to kinda figure out where I wanna shoot the next few days and it IS gorgeous in there. Those rock formations make me wanna learn how to climb! I’m also highly aware THIS SIGHT... massive quantities of flowers w the cholla cactus and these trees and rocks is rare and I’m appreciating it immensely. I wanna shoot this hill side tomorrow bcs it’s just covered in big spots o yellow!

Now... to take a bath under the junipers at my AirBnB. ❤️

Oh and people in the desert (besides aforementioned lady but pretty sure she isn’t a desert lady) are SO NICE! I feel like I’m on another planet!

#explorecalifornia #travelcalifornia #igers_california #westcoastbestcoast #desertlife #artofvisuals #visualsofearth #visitcalifornia #thatcalilife #awesomeearth #superbloom #neverstopexploring #optoutside #wildernessculture #exploretocreate #welivetoexplore #theglobalwanderer #beautifuldestinations #stayandwander #californiatrails #roamtheplanet #welltraveled #passionpassport #sheexplores #wanderwashington #womenwhoexplore

I was going to wake up SUPER EARLY this morning to drive through Death Valley and spend about 4 hours putting around solo before meeting w a buddy later a bit further south. My monthly ladymoon ditty came to visit tho and I was TIRED so I tossed all morning plans out the window to be cozy in bed and Im now eating a luxurious brekkie in Palm Springs before heading north to meet Attila.

My kinda travel is having a VERY loose to non-existent plan, waking and figuring out what I wanna do on the fly. It’s really never disappointed. In my consultant/program manager days I had EVERY PART OF EVERY DAY pre planned and it was fun then BUT you couldn’t pay me to do that now! This feels so much more nourishing to my soul... for now. 😍 I don’t blame the need for, especially Americans, trying to cram as much in a day as possible since we only get a few weeks of vaca a year but I’ve also learned, for me, enjoying where I am for as long as I feel like being there, feels more fulfilling and actually rejuvenating... even if it’s laying a hammock ALL DAY listening to the sounds and watching the little bits of life that generally go unnoticed, move about the day. Sure there’s prob more to see but experience will never be trumped by sights for me. It ALSO means I generally travel better solo! 🤣

#explorecalifornia #travelcalifornia #igers_california #westcoastbestcoast #desertlife #artofvisuals #visualsofearth #visitcalifornia #thatcalilife #awesomeearth #superbloom #neverstopexploring #optoutside #wildernessculture #exploretocreate #welivetoexplore #theglobalwanderer #beautifuldestinations #stayandwander #californiatrails #roamtheplanet #welltraveled #passionpassport #sheexplores #wanderwashington #womenwhoexplore

I was gonna go here again today while Marlys works but now I have worky stuff scattered randomly throughout the day! 😭😭😭 Mission now... find nature spots in desert w cell service so I can hike and work at the same time. Wish me luck! Oh... ALSO... I ran yesterday... up this slope after I realized I left ALL MY CAMERA GEAR on the passengers seat. I ran... up hill... on rock... with NO PAIN! I haven’t been able to do that in YEARS!! I think I’m starting to be thankful I had my knee reconstructed. 😍 I even took big step ups like they were no thang! Whaaaaaa?! 💃🏻

#explorecalifornia #travelcalifornia #igers_california #westcoastbestcoast #desertlife #artofvisuals #visualsofearth #visitcalifornia #thatcalilife #awesomeearth #superbloom #neverstopexploring #optoutside #wildernessculture #exploretocreate #welivetoexplore #theglobalwanderer #beautifuldestinations #stayandwander #californiatrails #roamtheplanet #welltraveled #passionpassport #sheexplores #wanderwashington #womenwhoexplore

in the story of us
the negative list, while short
bears the weight of lifetimes
and subtle words over time
chipped away at
the very spirit of my being
until stripped, bare and empty
a shell i no longer recognized
my joy - resented
my carefully crafted life - scrutinized and judged
my light - blocked in the shadow of your darkness
solidly tethered to the ground
unable to fly
i broke free and with each tear I shed I ascended higher
closer to my light
all the lessons learned I placed into the empty spaces of my heart
until full
saturated in the weightlessness of truth
i see me
i see you
i see all that exists
knowing to break down is to break free
but without you
without us
this ME
wouldn’t be
I’m not much of a poet but I wrote this sometime after Sept 2016... over a year before I learned of the term “Covert Narcissism,” almost 2 years before I was able to actually say the words “I was in an emotionally abusive relationship,” which was 2 weeks after I took this picture, which was one year AFTER I had left my now former partner, my last abuser but certainly not the first and by god she’ll be the last. Seems like a complicated time frame doesn’t it? That’s because there is nothing simple about emotional abuse. I’ve been wanting to share this story and I kept feeling that tightness around my throat... the kind that’s a silencer but the more I keep seeing others share their stories, and the more I get sick (I think bcs I’m not sharing mine) the more important it feels. It’s been over a year and a half... I’m pretty much on the other side... it’s time. This is just the first of many posts bcs if my story can help you feel less alone or free yourself from yours... fuck yeah! It was from the stories of others I’ve been able to heal from my own... and heal I HAVE. Reading this poem a year after I wrote it was one of the first moments where I saw I could TRUST myself bcs at some point... I stopped.
What’s this pic have to do w the caption? It was the day I let go of our engagement ring and let it sink to the bottom of Puget Sound... on the year anniversary of me leaving.

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