July 2017 👈👉 July 2018
How do we know when to stop?
Last year in July after a long and hard school year/ track season I had the decision to either continue training like I was to go into cross country season or to stop everything I was doing to take care of my health.
My training during track season included:
45 minutes of fasted cardio followed by an hour of lifting at 4am in the morning.
After school at 2:30 pm I would train at track practice until 4 - 4:30pm.
At 5pm I would take part in pole vault practice for another hour or hour and a half.
I did this everyday, besides the weekend when I would run 5 to 6 miles then lift for an hour or two followed by another 30 to 45 minutes of cardio.
Each day I ate from 1400 to 1800 calories a day depending how bad I was feeling about myself or how much extra cardio I did. I knew I wasn't eating enough, but I was so obsessed with my weight and how I looked that I didn't care if I went to bed starving and woke up so dizzy and tired that I thought I would pass out.
All of this went on for 9 months, that is a long time to starve yourself and beat the shit out of your body. This all started because of one opinion that triggered me to relapse, it was that easy. The emotions I felt during this time was anger, loneliness, I was very sad, and I was so tired that sometimes I felt numb to everything around me. I felt dead, to the point to where I would say something horrible to someone and watch them cry and feel absolutely nothing at all.
This wasn't living. This is not something that I am proud of. This is why I walked up to my parents who had watched me for the past 9 months and had said nothing to tell them exactly what I had been doing to myself even though they already knew, but they decided to let me figure it out on my own.
You have to admit your doings, YOU have to make the choice to stop what you are doing and realize the damage you have caused to yourself. Nobody can save us, we have to save ourselves.
I'm going to end my post here but in my following posts I will be sharing more of my story, experiences and advice for those of you who may be struggling with an eating disorder as well.