When my career started taking off, I hacked my hair off, lost and gained weight (I’d never had a problem before), became socially withdrawn… speaking engagements required me (emotionally) to have my team by my side. Red carpets, forget it- “I need to be on that thing alone?” Invites piled up. I focused on my much-loved safe places for work—morning shows (working with the kindest producers invented) furniture design (in my quiet studio) shoots were only allowed if the photographer was also a friend—no strangers please!! I avoided much of life and made myself unattractive as a coping mechanism, a reason to hide.
I didn’t realize I was doing this until a very insightful and trusted human in my life observed that as a child it looked like I was deliberately made to look unattractive. My mother (bless her) would cut my hair so extremely short, my style wasn’t that of a little girl, there was the occasional dress but most often it was boys hand-me downs. I was never told, “you are pretty”. In my mother’s defence, her mother was very much about “looks”, my mom wanted to teach me appearance doesn’t make a person. I agree to an extent. But what I did is make unattractive my “comfort zone” and as soon as things got to be “too much”, I reverted. By too much, I mean too much good. Who was I to deserve happiness and success?
After this realization my eyes and mind were wide open. I started taking stock of behaviours. Especially my behavior when I am south of the border in LA… (Canada is a little more “safe” for me)… The number of cool business opportunities I had turned down, TV shows (I would find the smallest l flaw in every one and walk away), collaborations (why would they want to work with me?). I realized I would only “do” if I knew the outcome—If “it” was in my comfort zone.
For the past few months I have been working really hard to connect to my true self and open the door to change (through study, therapy, meditation)…. And guess what? I am coming back to me. A new me, a me I never let out before. A me that deserves all the good people, the opportunities. The me that is saying yes! After all, the unknown is where dreams are made. ✨