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jaelynwolf jaelynwolf

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Jaelyn Wolf 🌙  LOVER OF ALL THINGS WILD. Photographer. Designer. Writer. Adventurer. Gym Jones II. BJJ. Ambassador @feralmountainco

‘An Invitation’ - maybe
I’ll claw my way in
If you let me
Drawing blood while you wonder
it was so easy to surrender
I’ll set fire to the coals
You’ve let smolder
As your flesh becomes warm to the touch

he said he understood -
With words that felt like daggers
delivered in flowers
With handwritten letters -
Understood how they had walked away
So effortlessly
Pulling open wounds that had been
sutured shut for a while
And I,
With tear filled eyes
Endured the sorrow that
I had felt each time

nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to learn…
I like to reflect on the things I’ve learned every year on my birthday. It’s been a year of death in a number of ways- of saying goodbye in general - to parts of myself I didn’t realize needed to go. To people, despite my assumption that they would never leave (insert reminder from the universe about assumptions and expectations). And to assumptions about myself that I have held on to for far too long - who I am and what I want. I think we are constantly evolving…I mean I know we are, but I know that the only constant in my life is change. Yet still, year after year, I hold on to pieces of myself that keep me in a place of stasis or chain me to people or places or ideas that I have had. .
I’ve learned that we aren’t capable of receiving if we are closed off to the idea of it; if we are holding ourselves back... that nothing new comes in if there is no room. This year, room was made. In many ways. I am slowing becoming. More and more of the woman I want to be. More and more of the woman I know I am. And I look forward to everything that comes with it- the people, the places, the unknown, the lessons. All of it. The heartache, the growth, the euphoria. Because that is life to me. That is living. And I sure as hell would’t have it any other way. I am grateful for all of it and so lucky for those of you who choose to love me and support me, day after day. I wouldn’t be half the dragon I am without you. 29, bring it on.

How badly do you want it? What are you willing to sacrifice to get it? I’ve asked myself these questions innumerous times throughout my life. It’s inevitable that shit will get hard. If you are like most, you will question yourself, you will come up with excuses, & if you don’t truly want it, you will quit.
How you act when faced with adversity, pain, or suffering of any kind, says a whole lot about who you are & what you truly want…& as they say, action expresses priorities. .
Do you quit in the middle of your training? Do you complain or Make excuses? Personally, I don’t care if you do. (That’s a total lie, I do because of the disrespect tied to quitting but I’ll save that for another time.) My performance isn’t attached to yours. Nor are my goals. But I can promise you this, How you act inside the gym (or wherever you choose to test yourself) tells me more about who you are & how you approach life, than most things. Do you give up on relationships when things get hard? Do you quit and complain at work? Are you passionate enough to make a difference in the lives of those around you? Who are you and how do you behave when no one is watching? What is your inner dialogue like & how does that reflect in the way that you treat others?
When shit gets hard & you are forced to question yourself, do you give up, do you throw in the towel & tell yourself you never really wanted it that badly to begin with? OR, do you fight like hell? stand back up when you fall down? & take things on, head first.
Yesterday I competed In my first jiujitsu competition at Fight to Win Nationals. I won gold in gi and silver in no-gi.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tied to the outcome going in- I always want to win. but what matters most to me is how I leave it out there- my performance aside from the end result. Did I give it everything I had and where was my head at before, during, and after the competition? Did I do everything I could to perform my best and did I do it with integrity? Because that last bit, that is paramount. Standing on top of a podium with no one there supporting you or rooting for your success means nothing in the end, at least not to me. (Cont. in comments)

"you're a bridge builder, and he burns them"
you said.
as I knelt there in what had been mourning
I had been angry at first
the type that leaves you stranded with yourself
and warm
that kind that starts in your belly,
slowing creeping up
resting in that perfect spot
at the nape of your neck. (You have a choice. This is familiar. - I remind myself)
so I set down the nails and
pick up the matches
to watch the consumption
and dance in the ashes

Thank you to all of those who have served and continue to serve. 🇺🇸 I am lucky to know some of the best and your sacrifice and dedication make exploring beautiful places like this possible.

She knelt before the only god she ever knew -
ever worshiped
willing to bend or break or shatter
knowing the rebirth
was worth the pain
of transformation
worth the surrender. ||| mountain crush Monday. Or something like that.

Leaving had always been easy
Eyes forward
Gate hurried
Foot on the pedal
Until it wasn’t
Until each mile marker felt like
Added weight
Added distance
Leaving had always been easy
Until it wasn’t.

"My mother once told me
that trust had little to do with lies.
It is about opening your heart
and handing over the keys.
Who will lock eyes
with your demons
and declare them human?
Who will walk with you
on the scattered thorns
you have called home?
'Trust,' she said,
'is about who comes
and never leaves."
-Mia Hollow

the first snowfall
I stand there
and look up
head tilted back
tongue out
some of them catch my eyelashes
each one a reminder of the slowing
each one a reminder of how just a few weeks ago,
it was raining
I remember watching
each drop slide across the windshield
tracing them with my finger
as they slid past
pausing as we slowed
my head against the window and
feet on the dash
I remember the sinking that came with
and the leaning
the fading of the road before us
and the headlights
drawing our path.

“I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral” -Lateralus, TOOL.

I took a breathe
for the first time
the vastness sweeping through me
and another...
my rib cage
rising and falling -
like the tides
- this (rib) cage
that I've been hiding behind
that has been holding me back 
the same one that 
I built myself.
I took a breathe
and for the first time
I knew what it was like to breathe. 
to be free.

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