itsmandapandaaa itsmandapandaaa

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Amanda 🐼 Amador  Keepin' the Gem in Gemini since 88' 💎💎💎 Kyle Ramos aka @kyleeatsbabies 👫❤️💍👰🏼🎩 Cat mom to @catkingmilo 😺😻😽

Some of you know last Tuesday I was in the hospital after a really bad breakdown and an episode of self harm. Let me say, no I was not trying to kill myself. Although I do have those thoughts more than I'd like to admit. I have been self harming "cutting" for most of my life. Since about age 11. I stop for long periods of time here and there but in the dark moments I find myself turning to it for comfort when I can't control my brains darkest thoughts. It's my therapy in a mind full of chaos. Now that I'm older it's easier to see a bit of light in those moments that keep me from going completely over the edge. My husband, my family, my friends and my two fur babies. They keep me here, alive. I'm now seeking help from my therapist, loved ones, as well as a psychiatrist to change my meds... My reason for posting this is to let others know that you are not alone. And your depression does not define you. It helps shape you, but it isn't the only part of you that people see. There is no shame in it. And if you have many scars like me, use them to remind you of where you've been and where you want to go. Let's fight this and show people that we can make it if we have support from each other. Love you guys. Also, I just started this book, it was recommended by a sweet friend, Danny H. I'm not too far in but I already feel connected and feel confident in recommending it. #thebodykeepsthescore #selfharn #depression #suicideprevention #keepswimming

Beer & sunshine while watching the husband, little brother and nephew play some basketball 😁

I haven't seen him play this song in so many years. This song/album from Something Corporate literally was the soundtrack of my teen years! So amazing! And we somehow got VIP for absolutely no reason! Cheers to 2003! This one is for you @carlycross ❤️ (and you too @hi_gomie) #andrewmcmahon #andrewmcmahoninthewilderness #somethingcorporate #leavingthroughthewindow #iwokeupinacar

Normally I wouldn't post an embarrassing/awkward teen/braceface picture of myself... BUT the man in the photo has been one of my biggest inspirations as an artist that basically wrote the soundtrack to my life with his band Something Corporate, followed by Jack's Mannequin, and now his solo stuff that I'll see in just a couple hours. But he's inspired me as a person, voicing his health issues. Although I gave different ones than him, I find comfort in his words on and off stage. I'm super sick right now, but I cannot miss this man for anything. This photo was taken in 2003 or 2004 I believe. @amnthewilderness #inspiration #soco #andrewmcmahon #OGfan Thank you babe @kyleeatsbabies ❤️

His ears hear all the secrets. #Finn #BigEars #adoptdontshop @kyleeatsbabies

The picture on the LEFT: Me on this day 4 years ago. Taking a selfie while having a great time out with friends. It was a beautiful day and I was excited for some sunshine and fun with friends. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize that just several hours later my life would change. I would become a different person in some ways. I didn't even think anywhere in my head, that one of the people I was with, my best guy friend at the time would rape me that night.
The picture on the RIGHT: Me today, wet hair and all. The day is rainy and gloomy and fits my mood all too well. The first 3 years were the hardest in many ways. And over the last several months I had begun to get better. Thinking about it less and focusing more on staying out of the dark place where the events from 4 years ago live. Unfortunately I've come to realize as of last night that it's never so simple. I broke down while Kyle held me and I realized that I still have the same sick feeling and paranoia. Even just yesterday at work I glanced at a man that looked similar to Stephen and froze. I got so nervous, because he actually works not too far away from here, as far as I last knew. Anyway, I realized that I'm still trapped in this constant fear. Fear that I'll see him and not know whether I'll freak out or just run as far away as I can. I'm trying so hard, and I know I've come a long way, but feel like I still have so far to go. But as long as I have the support that I do, I know I can make it. I just have to keep pushing myself to not let him win. He already took a part of me that I can never get back, but I refuse to let him take it all. If you read all this, thank you. Thank you for caring. I please urge everyone to be aware that rape can happen to anyone at anytime by anyone, even your supposed best friend. And I learned in the worst way that people like that don't just do that kind of thing once... Because Stephen did it to another good girl friend of ours just a few months later...if you want to read more about my experience, I have a blog on Tumblr "mandapandasthoughts" is the name. Love you all ❤️❤️❤️ #rape #rapeculture #mystory #survivor #sexualassault

Swipe left to see pictures of my precious little baby Finn enjoying his first big outing since being rescued/adopted almost a month ago. He had a great time. #adoptdontshop #rescuedog #LuckyLab

Can't believe it's been 4 years since we got our BFF tattoos. Miss you Punk @trueloveincbbc. You and Sarah and little Asher need to visit soon! ❤️ #banksypanda

Beautiful day, beautiful view from my balcony. #pnw #oregontrees #pandalife

You would've been 31 today. We would probably be drinking tonight to celebrate. I can't even imagine what would be happening in your life if you were still alive. But whatever it would've been, it would be great. You were like a magnet for people. They all loved you. And the people that knew you still love you so much. I miss you every single day. I'm just so lucky that this is the 2nd year at work since we started "superhero day" that both times fell on your birthday. It makes me feel closer to you to wear something that we bonded over as kids. I find myself placing my hand on your Michelangelo tattoo a lot today. Comforted by your ashes in the ink. Love you cousin, always ❤️ 4/28/86-2/5/11 💔

Cuddle time with my pup, Finn. #adoptdontshop #rescuedog #furbaby

Keeping mom company while she's home sick. Such a sweet little boy. #Finn #adoptdontshop @kyleeatsbabies

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