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innocencedisarmed innocencedisarmed

462 posts   196 followers   96 followings

suffer in silence  •welcome to my puddle of anxiety and low self esteem•

I feel unattractive in every single way possible.. I want to lose weight but I know he likes thick thighs/hips and I'm scared I'll look too skinny and he won't find me sexually attractive anymore. And... Just low self esteem...

I.... Feelllll... Uglyyyyyy and gross and fat as fuckkkk

I feel so gross and fat rn

I got bangs, I feel cute, but I'm 90% certain my boyfriend hates them, and I feel very not confident with myself right now. His first question to his sister when she sent him a picture was asking if they were straight across... Cause he hates straight across bangs. But I love them, and they make me feel cute and happy with my face for once, so I'm just gonna be happy about it, and if he seriously doesn't like them... Oh well. It's not his hair, and he didn't give me a straight up opinion when I asked how I should get my haircut, he just said to get something I think will look good on me, and I think this looks GREAT on me, so whatever 😠 I hate my forehead, and I've gotten tons of compliments on my bangs, everyone else thinks it looks good, and I do too, so there is no reason to let one opinion put me down..

I don't even remember why I did it. He was doing something, I don't remember what, the rest of the situation kinda pushed that out of my mind. Anyways, I told him to stop, he told me to shut up, so I jokefully slapped him. And in that moment something snapped. He asked me to please get off of him (I'd been lying my legs across his lap), and I did... I apologized. A lot. Regardless, joke or not, he didn't take it as a joke, and I never should have done it to begin with... I kept apologizing and he kept quietly saying it's okay, he just doesn't understand what he did. I said he told me to shut up, and I didn't remember what happened before that... I honestly felt--and still feel--so disgusted with myself... I wanted to throw up, my chest hurt, and I started crying... I'm a disgusting awful horrible human being... Joke or not, it's not okay to hit.. and I know that, and I don't know why I did it... I swear to God I'm never going to touch him again unless it's with the softest, most loving touch ever... I can't believe myself... And he really didn't even understand what he'd done wrong.... /I/ don't even remember... I want to shoot myself, he doesn't deserve a girlfriend like me... I flat out told him if I ever do it again, to fucking dump me or hit back... I'm a disgusting awful human being, he doesn't deserve someone like me.

Life is going so good.

It dawned I me I haven't explained much of the situation on here... I moved out of my parents' house.. left on good terms.. too happy to go into it right now... ↑above is just showing some of my piano progress...↑ not amazing, but that's with my left hand, which I couldn't play with at all before, AND I've improved a bit since filming this... Life is good... Not gonna lie, I miss my family a bit, but I'm just gonna try to ignore it... I'll see them at some point, just gotta get a chance. And really, this isn't a bad thing. I'm doing good for being on my own for the first time.

Currently driving home from grocery shopping with them (Mary--his sister--and Noah--his brother in law)... So much has happened. I got the job, today was my first day.

Everyone there is so nice...? My boss is cool so far, much more laid back than my old boss, and the job is pretty much the same, if not more efficiently done than at the other Subway.

And his family is so nice! 😭

While we were at the grocery store I had grabbed my own basket and everything, totally ready to buy my own food and help out a bit, and about halfway through the store they said they'd get it and no amount of insisting worked, and in the end they actually did end up buying it, and I feel like such a gross freeloader and I told them that, and they just said they'll help me out a bit now, and later, when I'm on food stamps finally, I can go ahead and help them out a bit towards the end of the month and...? I'm just so amazed at how kind people can be, it's such a weird thing for me to see... I'm not used to it. Growing up with my family it's always a "watch your back 24/7" situation, I've never really... I don't know... It's weird to be able to relax and focus on being happy and developing new skills for once.

Speaking of new skills, my boyfriend's brother in law--Noah--is helping me learn to play the piano. I had a interest in it before, but was never really good, and could only play with my right hand... He taught me a few things, and I'm currently learning to play Clocks by Coldplay.

I'm doing good, not phenomenal, but good. It's pretty nice, and he's very understanding about teaching me, and being patient with it, but also not letting me give up just cause I get frustrated. It's teaching me to keep going at things that get on my nerves until I get them right, instead of just calling it quits... I have to be up at 5:30am for work tomorrow, so I guess I should pop some sleeping pills real quick and go to bed... It's 9pm now and I've been home, writing this off and on, showering, putting groceries away, etc.

I'm tired...

My boyfriend is way too perfect. He looks AMAZING, that dreamy curly blond hair, blue eyes look that everyone craves; he's incredibly sweet, definitely has a very nice personality on top of the good looks. AND he's going to be getting a sexy ass car soon (not that I care personally, but I know some girls find what kind of car a guy picks pretty important). He's wanting to go to U of O, a HUGE college with tons of cute girls, and with that many around, there are bound to be more than a few that see something in him and want him for themselves. 😖 I'm worried he's going to realize how perfect he is, and how much better he can do than me...

Ready or not, it's happening, this may be my only shot...

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