I have been experiencing a MAJOR paradigm shift with my health & fitness.
For a while I felt chained & had even begun tying parts of my identity & my self-worth to numbers, measurements, progress pictures, & meticulously tracking everything I ate.
My time at the gym that originally made me feel strong & empowered slowly but surely transformed into something dreaded, that felt forced & sometimes a punishment for diverging from my meal plan.
Like other times in my past, my relationship with food became a complex equation that I had to solve before I could eat anything & even then I felt like I had done something wrong.
There were days I couldn't afford to expend calories in the gym because I hadn't eaten even close to enough food for that day. There were days I binged on ALL the food I had been denying myself.
I have felt defeated & embarassed to update people with my competition prep I began last year- a goal that was so centered around expectations & limitations that other people had set for me & that I refused to let go of. I had decided to compete for some really awful reasons (& some good ones, of course). For right now, I've decided to hold off on competing. I haven't weighed or measured myself, or taken progress pics in months. I've had days & even weeks where I didn't go to the gym once. I am working on a healthier attitude toward food. I eat what I want & I eat foods that provide my body with the nutrients it needs. Its not always easy, but overall I feel GOOD.
I'm working on letting go of my past. Letting go of the expectations of others & harmful expectations I place on myself. I'm working on truly loving myself at every stage in life- on being proud of & loving myself & my body NOW instead of just when I step on the competition stage.
It seems that every day I find new stretch marks, more cellulite, places that jiggle & squish more than they used to- & I'm learning to love that. Because my body is my home & my worth isn't tied to my physical appearance, what I eat, or how much time I spend in the gym.
Maybe someday I will compete, maybe I won't. Either way, I'll make the decision for the right reasons, for me ❤