heidiyogi heidiyogi

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Heidi Zoltak  โœŒ woman, yogi, mom of 3, amputee, cancer survivor, human. @liuidshoes ambassador www.liuid.com Snapchat: heidizoltak99 Email: heidizoltak99@yahoo.com

https://issuu.com/w2wmichigan/docs/w2w_v7-i4_web/18

Life at home, healing. This has been, by far, the hardest surgery I've ever gone through. Amputation was nothing compared to this. I actually got dressed in real people clothes yesterday and used the โ€œchuck itโ€ to play ball with the pups. Skin grafts are healing nicely and I'm becoming more mobile. Sitting is not quite comfortable yet so I'm standing and lying down for the most part. Chris rotates me every so often like a rotisserie chicken๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™Š. We didn't get the news we were hoping for from the post surgical pathology and more cancer showed up in the margins, so back to the drawing board with my oncologists. Dealing with a rare cancer such as this has no standard of care and very hard to detect, so I'm spending a lot of my days researching and reading clinical trial abstracts and talking to others globally fighting this same stuff. ย We aren't sure what is next, but we have a full week next week of appointments at U of M to figure out a new game plan.

I have the utmost respect for those fighting or have fought the big C. You are damn warriors! I had no idea the toll it takes on an individual and their family until I was in it. To all of you cheering us on, thank you. Keep cheering, we need it.

I've arrived here. In this moment, ready to cement these memories. Why? Because we have to. This is our reason. To live. To experience. To endeavor. No matter what is amongst us, no matter what we face, no matter what they say...we live. Our choice. What will it be? Curl up and give up? Or truly live? Get out there and fucking live. Live like we've never lived before. Because you just dont know what is next and because you have right in front of you this God damned love that needs to be loved on and lived in like no other. That is why. Here is where it starts and where it ends.

Kona is starting to impersonate my favorite position lately ๐Ÿ˜‚. For an update, go to my IG story. โค big love to all of you.

Surgery went well and the pain meds are on fleek ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ˜‚. The outpouring of love has been so tremendously appreciated and helpful. You are giving us ammo to fight this beast...keep it coming! โค #fuckyoucancer #mucosalmelanoma

So many have asked about updates. This is where we are at...there are many unknowns and our world has been flipped upside down. This cancer, Mucosal Melanoma, is unpredictable and a monster to manage, so making decisions regarding treatment has been very meticulous. After 5 more mapping biopsies were taken 2 weeks ago, 3 were found positive. We are trying to find where the cancer starts and stops so that we can take proper means to get it out of me. I'm looking at more surgeries, possible radiation and or possible immunotherapy. A long road ahead. We are overwhelmed and tired and it seems that this cancer stuff has taken a front seat to life. I'm learning each day how to be mom and wife whilst maneuvering my numerous appointments and its not been easy. But we all know that difficult doesn't equate to impossible. I'm healthy. I'm young. These are good things... I have been diagnosed with a second cancer too now, cutaneous melanoma, which has added complexity to my case and quite possibly there may be a genetic proponent to this crap... We get results soon on the genetic testing. We are piecing these things together and I'm finally in great hands with a team that is aggressively searching for what's best for me and my quality of life. The waiting has been torture, we just want this out of me, but we are dealing with a cancer that is near to impossible to get rid of. So, this is what we are looking at and we are trying so hard not to lose ourselves in this. I'll share more as I'm able. We appreciate each and every one of you. Every message, call, prayer, comment...they all matter. We are only as good as our support system and we want you all to know we are treading water in some massive foreign territory and some days we are just rendered speechless. It is scary, yes. But we have done scary before and we've kicked it in its ass. And that is what we intend on doing. Love you.

What a difference one year can make. I merely blinked and life changed again. My ability to seize the beautiful moments, like in this picture, is lost lately... they've lost their vibrant color. The joy, fearlessness and hope have fallen from my grasp again so quickly and I find myself swimming in sadness and fear, barely able to breathe. I know no one, not even myself in this. Violated. Suffocating through foreign waters, unplanned, unpredicted, unwanted, shoved down my throat so that I choke on it every moment of every day. A force feeding in a sense. Cancer doesn't care... it plays the lottery and you are its winnings, its trophy. It steals you. Fallen to the wayside, a statistic, disposable, a spirit sucked dry, an inexplicable emptiness. A number. A case study. Waiting...to be pounced on again and again. Waiting to be cut on again and again. There is no end.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’› I love connecting with powerhouse, badass women. Game changers. Women that are straight up girl bosses. Who turn heads with their brilliance and crush the world by walking in their power. These women lift me up--they make me grow taller than an old cypress tree.
I used to feel small in comparison to magnificence, now I know better. I know another woman's magnificence betters our world, and if I bring her into my life--she betters me. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’› (a throwback pic from a couple of months ago to when I was feeling a little more physically girl bossy than today๐Ÿ˜‚)

Here I am. Waiting. Healing. Still waiting. The Results. Tests. Scans. Biopsies. It's the elephant. We all know it's this kind of stuff that drives our output, our outcome. When really, why put so much emphasis on what might dictate our response. The power isn't in the results...the power is in the perspective. I've thought a lot about this. So, what if we get bad news like ...okay, Heidi, we've diagnosed things on what may decide your future with your cancer. Umm. No. I decide my outcome. Call me. Now, anytime. Do it. Deliver me the news. I. Don't. care. I'm not a statistic. I'm Heidi. I have more power over any rare cancer that's never been heard of. I drive my vehicle. Not you. So deliver me the news. It will be okay, it always is. It always has been. I am proof. Fear is a second hand term at this point. I am here, living, doing, surviving. Nothing can sway me in that intention. I am here to stay. #fuckoffcancer #sorrymom #youtaughtmetofight

I read my tattoo often these days "Perfer et Obdura" - Latin for "Be Patient and Tough". I got on my mat last night for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm still healing from the biopsies and we are still waiting on final results for staging. Good news though... my scans showed no spread to my organs! This waiting is torture. I've learned that the waiting is the worst part of cancer. Waiting to see if its spread, grown, gone, waiting for scans, waiting on pathology, waiting on staging, waiting for appointments, waiting for good news, waiting for bad news....waiting, waiting, waiting. This is how I describe torture. I'm moving through this space and just now I'm allowing myself to get on my mat and work through the energy that is gridlocked in my gut. It's painful and lonesome, all of it. I feel so broken and slaughtered, violated and defeated at times and other times, I'm numb and other times, I'm feeling like okay, I can do it again. I owe myself this time for release. Thank you for all the messages and love. I'm okay but not okay and that's okay...for now. โค I love you.

Timing is such a funny thing;
What comes and when it decides to...
What goes and when it chooses toโ€ฆ
What it is and how it chooses its role or manifestation in your lifeโ€ฆ
Some things waiting in the wings, holding out for their story to be told... Parts of me are shifting in this stage of my life, in my womanhood. Evidence of tired lines, deep rooted scars and imperfections. They trace my journey, though, and it's been a flat out voyage. The hills and valleys through which my vessel has carried me, for many, are unchartered territory. I forgive myself for not appearing shiny, unblemished and sculpted when hell has kicked in my door. And I celebrate that I've come out alive and more full of life.

This past week has been tremendously difficult and busy. When we found out, we went into auto modeโ€ฆBooking flights, telling our two adult children, making child care plans for our young one, reaching out to loved ones that we might need help again, arranging work, and all the prep for the trip back to New York for treatment.
I'm just now feeling the emotional pull that the cancer recurrence has had. I'm not focused, I'm spinning and I'm unsettled.
I don't ask why. But I do wonder so many things.

We can be more disabled in life by choosing a negative attitude than by being physically impaired. Find the beauty today.

Who are you? โ€œThemโ€?, โ€œUsโ€?, โ€œHimโ€?, โ€œHerโ€?, โ€œRightโ€?, โ€œLeftโ€?, โ€œTrollerโ€?, โ€œCreeperโ€?, โ€œDebaterโ€?, โ€œPrivilegedโ€?, โ€œFeministโ€?, โ€œActivistโ€?, โ€œFascistโ€? Who are you?
Are you tolerant?
Do you listen?
Are you sad?
Bitter?
Offended?
Angry?
Are you Right?
Wrong?
Are you a winner?
A Whiner?

Who are you?
Wise?
Wiser?
Wisest?
Are you a learner, a knower?
A listener, a talker?
Pessimist?
Optimist?

Who are you?
Do you press post or share? Do you argue with strangers? Is this your reality? Why? Do you bravely hide behind your screen with a trigger finger? Why? Does this serve you? Me? Why? Are you a Labler? Why?

Who are you?
I am Heidi. I am a proud American. I fit in no box. I am not all or nothing of any social issue because my life isn't black and white. I require no labels. I am not who I vote for. I am a strong, bright, cheerful, educated, female, amputee, cancer survivor. I believe happiness is an inside job. I am part Native American, Polish and African American (yes I'm proud to claim them all) and I am a redhead with tattoos, green eyes and freckles. I am a proud mom of 3. None of my kids are alike and I love them for their differences. They are not me and I don't want them to be. My husband is Polish and Native American, an Army Veteran, swim coach and a high school teacher and we are defined as middle class. He supports me passionately as a hard working career woman and mom and would march any damn march with me because I can walk now and he won't leave my side. I practice yoga and I believe in a God, maybe not yours, but mine gives me hope and love. Do I allow these labels to speak FOR me? No. I speak with my heart. I talk face to face to people about my passionate views and I will still love you if you don't share my views. And I want to learn about yours and I think it is beautiful that we are different. I don't feel you are ignorant because you don't do, say or feel the things I do. I think we all have beautiful, worthy minds and hearts. I would like to know you better. Nice to meet you. Grab your beliefs and meet me half way. We need each other.

#starttheconversation #iamanAmerican #loveeachother #soldieron #stopthenoise #startlistening

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