heartmends heartmends

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j ♡  love is brave but i’ve been scared

“It should have been you. You should’ve been the one with the countless sleepless nights, the ones where time felt like a fantasy, and it drifted by filled with endless thoughts of you. It should have been you who fell apart at the seams when someone mentioned my name, because the thought of losing me was too much to bear. The thought of getting up and leaving the only thing you thought you loved most in the world should’ve stung like a thousand needles. I should be you. I should be the one sleeping eight hours a night, knowing that I poured everything I ever had into you. Into us. I should be the one telling our friends things “just didn’t work out” when they ask about you. But they always do. Let’s admit it. They did work. They worked to the point where you scared yourself with the thought of ever loving someone beside yourself. And you’ll never be me. Not until you know what you’ve lost.”
- everything it should have been // via spilledart // christian paul - when love dont love you back // 10:18 a.m

“I don’t love him anymore. I’m pretty sure I might never have. It’s the kind of love when you (1) love someone for the sake of being in love, or (2) wish to be loved by someone just like him. He was beautiful. Beautiful yet broken, and damaged, burning me like wildfire, he’s everything a mother warns her children about. It wasn’t love, and it never will be. But I was drawn by it. The niche of our hearts echoed back the same sound. Perhaps it’s the loneliness. Or the brokenness. And I had hoped, somehow, we can drive it out of each other. But sometimes you see other people’s scar and think of it as art. While all they see when they see yours is a goddamn chaos.”
- via a-quietsoul // illenium - good things fall apart // 4:05 p.m

“I could tell you didn't love me by the way you looked at me and the way I looked at you. Everyone in the room could sense the magnitude, I was head over heels for you and it wasn't that hard to tell. I looked for you in every room, and I had a strange pull towards you, it was like no matter what I was doing, I craved your presence with me.  I didn't think it was love until I stopped noticing everyone else, until I couldn't go on dates anymore, and how I wanted to talk to you when I was sad, and that was strange for me cause I was never the type to speak when I was upset but you made it so damn easy.  I could tell you weren't in love with me in any of the same ways that I was in love with you but I couldn't grasp why you weren't.  I still can't understand that part of it all.  Because we shared something that I thought was special. We opened up to one another and I know no one else has the same place in your life that I held. We stayed up talking in your car for hours, I still remember that day I was so drunk you took me home and took care of me until I was sober enough to go home. You didn't even do it to get anything. I remember laying on your chest listening to your heartbeat and wanting to stay like that forever.. I wonder if you think back to that night and ever crave that closeness we felt.  because I do it all the damn time. I wish I could just feel your arms around me holding me close, when everything feels like its falling apart but we are not in love.. and you can't be that person for me but I wish you were, I wanted you so badly to be even when you didn't think you could be.  I still can't let go of the idea that we are supposed to end up together, even though I know deep down that we aren't going to ever be together in that way. It all breaks my heart in different ways. Sometimes I wish I never got to know your heart like that, because now I can't see myself with anyone but you, and you will never want me.”
- via fadedheartbreq on tumblr // bmike - wish i never found you // 4:17 p.m

what was one good thing that happened to you today? // 4:05 p.m

“You know it's funny knowing that even your closest friends don't know about your feelings towards a boy. It's like you perfectly hide it from everyone. He's your bestfriend, he knows you all too well, but you still can keep the feeling only for yourself. That's why you're keeping yourself alone. People think that you're an independent woman who can cope with yourself but really you're not. You're just way too good at dealing with pain. You're no longer run from them, you keep them close as a reminder that life can tear you apart in no time. You want to be prepared to every worst scenario. And so in love matter. You don't imagine beautiful things love can give to you, instead you keep reminding yourself how destructive love can be. Maybe.. well maybe that's why you keep the feeling to yourself.”
- via in-my2am // shawn mendes - if i can’t have you // 4:03 p.m

“But then I, too, came to the realisation that, you see, I have used other people. I have broken hearts and promises. I have done bad things to other people. Things that have hurt them and things that have made them wonder if they are good enough for me. Perhaps I didn’t do it intentionally like you did with me. But as much as you used me, I used you too. I sought your comfort, your warmth, your patience and your never-ending love. I always told you one more story to get your attention. I always fumbled with my hands because I knew you would eventually take them into yours and stop me from fumbling with them. I was accidently always 10 minutes too early because I wanted more time with you. I always told you what was on my mind because I wanted to hear your voice some more. Because I wanted you to dedicate your words to me, and only me. When he left me, I came back to you. It’s true. I intensified our bond, let you get closer to me and myself closer to you. I came to you because I felt like you were the only person left, who would always take me back. You always had my back, I believe. Well, I’m not entirely sure but I like to think that you did. And I do think that you had every right to leave. Maybe you felt that I was using you. And here I was, wondering for months why you had left and what made you leave so suddenly. Now, I think I know the answer. I used you too. Just like you used me. And it seems to me you couldn’t handle a taste of your own medicine.”
- via pessimisticandrealistic // 6lack - luving u // 4:02 p.m

“I brought down every star for you, my clumsy hands tripping on dark clouds in the moonlight, and in the morning, you crushed each luminous point between your palms. I built my confidence up in mountains; I climbed on chairs to convince you that no one’s love was larger, and you convinced me valleys are much more beautiful. I shrunk for you. I said goodbye to the person I was before you, and you fell out of love with the person you made me. And now I’m saying goodbye to that person, mourning my body like an open casket, and falling into empty sheets. I’m making myself better and I deserve someone who looks at me the way I looked at you.”
- via achingchest // halsey - colors // 4:08 p.m

“I used to say I never give up on anyone. But then my eyes were open to the foolhardiness of that definitive statement. Because why keep holding on to someone who has given up on me? And to be clear, giving up doesn’t always mean going away. Sticking around just to treat me like crap is giving up. Talking trash behind my back is giving up. Always insisting on having their own way is giving up. Never owning up to their mistakes is giving up. Abuse of any kind says how little they think of me. And you know what, I feel better after giving up on such people. Because it’s not giving up anything actually.”
- via dolores-hazy // prettymuch - 10,000 hours // 4:04 p.m

“we were never perfect. we let our insecurities lull us to sleep. we let ourselves believe that our hardships will always consume us and maybe we were right. some nights, i sit and wonder if you will ever be mine in the way i want you to be. but nights like these, i realize you are exactly where i need you to be. you are sitting on the corner of my heart as if it were a balance beam and nights like these, i want you to know that even though we don’t say it anymore, there is so much love between us that some nights, it makes me want to explode. and it’s difficult to accept that with so much love, we are only friends now and a part of me believes we don’t deserve this but another part of me knows it doesn’t matter. because even if we are never together again, we will always have each other. even if we are never together again, i am lucky i have someone who never leaves, even on the nights i tell them to go. i am lucky i have you. i am lucky i love you. i am lucky you love me. i am lucky that no matter what changes in my life, no matter what we go through, the love we share will always remain.”
- via achingchest // anson seabra - thats us // 3:46 p.m

“I don’t miss you as much anymore. Sometimes you cross my mind but not like you use to. I remember when I thought that I couldn’t live without you and looking back on it, you were the best and worst thing that happened to me. Its been hard, its been so hard to get over you but looking back on it time passes, and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, ‘Hello, beautiful. Good morning.’ You get used to not calling someone at night to tell him how your day was. You replace these old habits with new habits. As time goes on, you get better, but only with time. You still see them and a spark is there, your mind still races when you see them, its going to, you use to love that person with every inch of your soul, with every emotion you could possibly have. Its just not the same anymore.”
- via livingpreppywearingpearls // greyson chance - unfriend you // 4:07 p.m

“I place my hand delicately on her face and mold my fingers onto her features. My thumbs kindly caress the two veils belonging to her beautiful eyes. I’ve never seen them, of course - I haven’t ever seen mine either - but I just know it. Oh, I wonder what they’ve seen, what they hold, what beauty and ugliness await her innocent orbs. Sensitive, yes, but far from fragile.
I wish to show her happiness, even if I cannot see it with her. I want to have her hear and radiate delight, not just simply emulate others’. I want her to someday embrace trust and let her feel abundant love without payment.
My ‘eyes’ continue down to roundly trace over her cheekbones. They raise and I can’t help but smile with her too. This… please always smile like this.
Slowly, my fingers glide down her soft face. I thoughtfully stroke her lips. I could be wrong, but I’m sure the first thing that comes to mind for many when touching, feeling, or looking at pretty lips is to… kiss them? I find myself not relating. Instead, I tend to think ‘How many times has this person said what they truly felt today?’ Oh, call it odd if you will - I prefer unique - but, as I caress her mouth, I really wonder how often she has kept it closed, locking and throwing away the key, just to hide that regret behind a pair of beautiful lips. I want to keep her from the fear of hiding away her emotions, her feelings; her ideas, complaints, joys, cries, anger… because, truly, these emotions are what make us human. ”
- E.G. Darling, my blindness cannot burden my view of you. (via whatisthenormal) // dean lewis - lose my mind // 11:57 a.m

“I keep telling myself that I would never be that girl-
that girl who believes in fairy tale romances
that girl who smiles easily, trusts blindly and loves fully.
that girl who worries.
or that girl who calls first.
But the truth is I’ll probably be all of them.
because that is just how I am.
I don’t know how else to be.
I don’t know how to be someone who loves half-hearted. 
or lives half hearted.
I dont know how to put a wall around my heart.
or a leash on my tongue.
I dont know which words to use,
or how to make heads turn.
I dont know how to keep my smiles hidden away in my pocket,
or how to bring them out at the right time, for the right guy.
all I know that this is how I am.
A simple girl who hopes to be loved in return.”
- via oxymoronicsoul // shawn mendes - this is what it takes // 4:08 p.m

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