Putting these photos out there makes me a little nervous, but these words are burning in my heart to be shared.
Staring at the scale at the doctor’s office this morning, I felt my stomach sink. Today, I clocked in at my highest weight ever. All day I’ve been looking back, reevaluating. Trying to figure out how, after months of eating a nutritionally balanced diet and going to the gym at least 4 times a week, this could have happened. Why is my weight still creeping up, little by little when I’ve been trying so hard to keep it steady?
So I went to the place I always go when I’m completely at a loss: my yoga mat. And something incredible happened. My yoga flow was so balanced, so grounded, so powerful. My body felt strong and stable. And immediately I thought about the picture on the left. —————————————————-
In February of 2016 I was at my lowest weight since graduating high school. I was so over my head with depression and fatigue. I remember not eating bread or pasta for months because I was afraid of them for some reason. I remember bringing a can of vegetable soup for lunch and convincing myself that 130 calories was a sufficient meal when I was walking 3-5 miles a day to get around campus. People told me all the time how good my body looked. But they also told me that the shine had left my eyes. It’s hard for me to look at that photo because I can see the dullness that people were talking about. I can see how weak my body was. And it’s painful to remember. —————————————————
Now here I am on the right. I’m still struggling to find wellness. Having a doctor that has finally confirmed my illness and is actively trying to help me treat it is a start. But somewhere along the way, I have managed to find strength, and I am so grateful for all the people that have loved me through everything because I know they are a significant source. Hopefully the next things I will find are grace and acceptance for myself. I’m learning that wellness cannot be represented by a number.
So how do we measure it? I’m still trying to figure that out.
With love 🧡