2012 was a messy year for me. I left South Africa after six months or so of making my home in a country that wouldn't allow me to stay any longer.
My fiancé and I at that time were experimenting with an open relationship at my own whim.
I was trying to figure out how much freedom I actually needed in a relationship I absolutely wouldn't have been in if he hadn't been such a great guy.
We met up in Bali and continued on to Thailand but I was not in the right headspace. It was awkward for me to be with this man that I loved so much again after everything I'd been through without him, and mostly, the relationship that I had begun while I was living countries away. I felt guilty knowing I'd overstepped an invisible boundary where emotions got involved with someone else. He loved me, doting on me, and trying to understand my distance. Upon arrival back in Venice I rebelled and threw the final rock to sink our ship at the expense of his heart.
I paid many grand tolls that summer with my selfish ways and barely managed to scrape what was left of myself together for a stint from Western Europe, to the Middle East, and back to the enormous continent that now pulled greatly at my heartstrings.
Things were changing in my life at this time. I had ended a long term relationship for the freedom I craved so much but wasn't sure exactly where my place was in the world anymore without him.
I had fallen in love with yoga for the second time in my life in Cape Town and found myself walking the mile or two, sometimes twice or three times daily, to get my fix. I was pushing my mid twenties and was getting over the partying lifestyle I was living while at home in Venice beach. I was in search of a healthier, clearer existence. I had experimented before with sobriety and made it a bit of a practice for my international endeavors to abstain while traveling or living abroad.
I had planned to head to Australia for the second time in my life but found myself diving the Indian Ocean off the beaches of Tofo, Mozambique and skyping with the two men I still had feelings for. I knew if I went back to South Africa it would break my ex-finances heart all over again.... TBC