I have a lot of fear around the concept of having so many people feel like they see me, each of them taking their assumptions and opinions of me as facts, whether they’re anywhere near the truth or not.
It’s even scarier allowing people to actually see me as I am, rather than controlling their perspective of me...or trying to...controlling others perspectives rarely works as well as we think it does, because people are often more aware of the truth than we give them credit for.
I’m really scared of rejection, and I think that’s a big part of why I’m so afraid to be myself here most of the time.
If you reject gypsetgoddess, my alter-ego who is not fully me, it’s almost like it doesn’t touch me. She acts as a wall between your judgments and my feelings.
It doesn’t always work though. Gypset is a good security blanket, but she doesn’t stop me from forgetting sometimes that numbers don’t define me.
That’s the hard part, as Instagram is a fickle place. One day you’ve gone viral and you’re loved, the next day, people begin to tire of you, and move on to the next viral sensation.
I try so hard to remind myself that these numbers are arbitrary, governed by an algorithm that doesn’t make sense to any of us. I try to remind myself not to take it personally when a post performs badly or when I lose followers, but it’s hard not to feel like when you don’t like my page or my photo, you’re actually not liking me.
These fears and insecurities don’t only arise in the Instagram realm, otherwise I’d just quit. They’re strong there, but the truth is, they’re everywhere, impacting everything else I do too.
I try to make each share a practice in loving myself whether you agree with me or not, but some days are harder than others.
I’m usually scared to share these thoughts, because I feel like in the big scheme of world issues, my inner turmoil is minor and unworthy of a share, and I don’t like to seem melodramatic or like a “poor little privileged white girl”... but in giving in to those fears, I fail, because I’m still too focused on how I seem to YOU.
So here’s a share I usually wouldn’t share, and based on your likes, comments, or lack thereof, may or may not ever share again. 🔮