It's been almost five months since you left us.
I feel like most people are expecting me to be getting over “It”. But what exactly is a loss? Do people who have never really suffered a loss know what "IT" is?
For me... “IT” is getting a call from our Dad on a seemingly normal Saturday telling me that “there has been an accident and that you are no longer with us.” “IT” is the feeling of helplessness while knowing things will never be the same. “IT” is arriving home on the day of your death and seeing the pain on our sister and parents' faces. "IT" is five days after your memorial and our world caves in with the reality that you are gone. “IT" is the first day back at work and every minute your afraid you’re going to burst into tears. "IT" Is the weekend and you just stay home because there is nowhere to go to not feel so empty. “It” Is the feeling of time standing still while the rest of the world continues on... Tomorrow is Thanksgiving-- (our) first holiday without you.
Then, “IT” will be Christmas, and the void of your absence will be hanging over us like a dark cloud.
New Years will come and “IT” will bring in the first year without you.
Next, “IT” will be your birthday, which will be devastating because there is no more you to celebrate.
After that, “IT” will be my birthday; you won’t be there to wish me a happy birthday or to see me turn another year older.
Springtime will come when everything comes alive. Except you! That’s “IT”. Mother's Day and Father's Day will roll around and “IT” will be a painful reminder to our parents of how they once had a son to celebrate. “IT" will be the first anniversary of your death. We will have to relive it all over again. Some things might be better, but the void will still be there. “IT” will be 4th of July--always a reminder of how I sat with our parents and sister looking up at the fireworks and crying because you had just left us. "IT" is seeing milestones in our lives progress and years pass while you’re not here to share them with us. "IT" is trying your best to be strong when you really feel weak.
I miss you.
We miss you.