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Gemma-Holly Williams  Queer, 27 🌱 radical softness as a weapon 🌈


Morning light πŸŒ…

When you are TRYING to do your bit for the planet and future generations, and the universe (retailers) keeps trying you β€’ 100% compostable bamboo and cotton earbuds...wrapped in single use plastic?!! πŸ€¦β€β™€β€’ the plastic stem of an earbud takes hundreds of years to disintegrate and, when flushed, can be ingested by marine life (swipe) and accumulate toxins β€’ by switching to bamboo and cotton buds (swipe), you can chuck them in the food bin and be done with it - and if you don't compost, you should! @wasserneutral (Hydrophil) produce them in packs of 100, available for Β£2.25 at @andkeepshopping. I'm slowly starting the transition to rid single use plastic from my day to day life, and it would be fab if you could too πŸ’™πŸ‹πŸŒ

Letterbox flowers, from 4,719 miles away. My forever. Happy Anniversary, love.

find someone
be their rock
(keep them grounded)
be their north star
(help them find their way)
be this
to you

Love and reciprocity

Cleo Wade

Tfw you put on weight and you're feeling yourself πŸ’…

A wall...of gum. Yeah, that's pretty cool in my books 🍬

Don't mind me, only holding the largest Brussel sprout known to mankind 🌱

#ThrowbackThursday to this little chestnut 🌰

(3) In conclusion...stay alive for your partner, stay alive for your animals, stay alive for the next GoT book (come on, George) or the next episode of Grey's Anatomy. The most important thing is to stay alive, because as impossible as it seems at the time (and nothing has ever felt more impossible)...it will get better. And then it will get worse. And then it will get better again, because healing isn't linear. You will have bad days, the worst, the shittest days that you have ever experienced. It will be impossible to eat, to shower, to brush your hair, to talk, to take your medication, to ask for help, to do anything that isn't curling up in a ball wanting it to end already. I believe you will survive. In hindsight, I would never choose to be a "survivor", because surviving has almost killed me. I am grieving for the woman I could have become if things were different. Nevertheless I am here, surviving. I'm here, trying to heal the gaping wounds, because we repeat what we don't repair. Patterns only change when we change.
"The way you react has been repeated thousands of times, and it has become a routine for you. You are conditioned to be a certain way. And that is the challenge: to change your normal reactions, to change your routine, to take a risk and make different choices."
β€” Don Miguel Ruiz
I'm writing this for you, but I'm also writing this for me, as a reminder, because there WILL be another bad day...and then the sun will rise once again.
Thank you for reading this far. And to my lover, my home, my biggest supporter, my life raft and safety net - I love you.

(2) Three months, and a lot of ongoing therapy, later, I was diagnosed with Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder - also known as CPTSD. If you haven't heard of this, I'm not surprised, I hadn't either. Complex PTSD differs from PTSD (the type you have most likely heard of) as it's the result of repetitive and prolonged trauma, involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships, particularly at a young age. This is something that has been manifesting and accumulating for a very long time and has, on a conscious and subconscious level, been affecting my life for over 20 years.
So, I am navigating the minefield of healing. I'm receiving treatment and trying to be aware of my actions. I'm taking antidepressants, sleeping tablets and Valium. I'm trying to make sense of it all, and in the midst of doing this I wanted to share something that has become very apparent: Contrary to popular belief you πŸ‘ do πŸ‘ not πŸ‘ have πŸ‘ to πŸ‘ stay πŸ‘ alive πŸ‘ for πŸ‘ yourself. People will tell you that seeking help or trying for someone else's sake is unhealthy. I want you to them ignore them. Do you know what is bad for your health? Death. I am here today because of the belief, of my friends and fiance, that I can get through this. No more, no less. They will also say 'You must learn how to love yourself before you can truly be loved', etcetera etcetera. Sorry, but I call bullshit. Sometimes you need somebody to show you how to walk on your hands before you can find your feet.
(Cont in next post)

CW: Depression, anxiety, suicide.
(1) Almost five months ago I had my second spinal surgery, and during my recovery period at home I had, what I initially thought to be, a mental breakdown - an acute period of mental health crisis. I have struggled with depression, on and off, since a very young age (you've probably seen me write about this). This time it started one morning about two weeks after my surgery. I sat bolt upright in bed, at the crack of dawn, with the most horrible sensation that something terrible had happened. I shook it off, thinking I'd had a nightmare, but then it started, very slowly and then all at once, seeping in to my days.
It began with the typical 'fight or flight' reactions, also known as hyper arousal - tingling hands, racing heart, nausea, stomach cramps, sweating. I felt like I was in 'The Hunger Games', constantly on high alert. It quickly turned in to more...crying, not eating, sleeping for two or three hours a night. Suicidal ideation. The inability to keep myself safe.
This was all triggered by watching an episode of Jane the Virgin, if you can believe it. I won't spoil it for those of you that haven't seen it, but there is a particular episode where Jane is forced to face the prospect of living her life without someone she loves and cares about very much. Someone she has fought hard for, for a long time. Someone who made her happy and helped sculpt her life. Unbeknownst to me, and without my consent, this episode made me confront one of my biggest fears - allowing myself to feel happiness, only to have it ripped away. It forced me to examine my behaviours, and the way I interact with people and react to certain situations.
(Cont in next post)

Missing him already πŸ’” #WeLoveABearHug #LongDistanceRelationshipsSuck

Our final jaunt around the Christmassy St.Nicks, and our favourite Moroccan, before my love returns to the states πŸ’”πŸŽ„

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