On mental health and growth:
As some of you might know, around three months ago I was sectioned in a psychiatric ward. since then coming to terms with my diagnosis has been hard. I have bipolar affective disorder, something I have most likely suffered with for most of my life but has gone unnoticed. At first the news was utterly incomprehensible and I felt like there was something inherently wrong with who I am as a person- which I know now is not the case. It took some time, but it has finally sunk in and explains a lot about my behavioural patterns in the past. it's been quite disorientating in a sense, I guess, as I've began to question my sense of self. trying to figure out how much of "me" is me as an isolated entity as such (if that makes sense?), opposed to the "me" wound up and led by my manic/depressive episodes is a draining thought and a hole I can't afford to fall into.
Shortly after having been discharged from the ward I started medication; whilst my moods have settled down significantly due to mood stabilisers, I can't help feeling slightly, well, flat. In "Crossing the Water" by one of my favourite poets Sylvia Plath, she talks about "black cut-paper people". I think I know what she means. I guess in some sense I should be thankful about it? At the moment I'm just crossing the water, devoid of any fluctuating waves or the sensation of drowning which have tormented me in the past. I've just got to keep on floating steadily, be patient with myself and understand that fixating on trying to excavate the real "me" is a pointless exercise because we're all constantly growing and changing.
"Are you not blinded by such expressionless sirens? This is the silence of astounded souls"- Sylvia Plath