To be honest, I saw how real @kendy_wendy was in her post recently, and it made me want to share too. And honestly, I’ve struggled to share ANYTHING, whether it’s about this or about anything else, because my brain just hits a wall. -
Depression fucking sucks. I started developing it in the spring of ‘17. It would come and go in spurts, usually only lasting a few days with weeks in between an episode.
Since around February of this year, it comes more frequently and goes less frequently.
I don’t want to be in social situations - they make me anxious. I’m an introvert who becomes dangerously antisocial. I don’t talk to people if I don’t have to. I try and “hide out” as much as I can.
There’re a lot of dark thoughts. A lot.
Some days it gets triggered, and others I just wake up with this weight on my chest that I don’t know how to lift.
I feel out of control of my body, of my mind, of my life.
I’m haunted by memories of the “stronger” me - I know she’s still in there, but she doesn’t know what to do or how to get out. It’s less a pain of what’s there, more of a pain from what’s not.
It’s really easy to look at someone with a mental illness and think that they’re choosing weakness - I promise you, this isn’t a choice.
If I can give you any advice, it’s this:
-therapy. The wait time for a local therapist was too long (I still scheduled), so I signed up for @betterhelp . They matched me with a therapist the same day.
-do more of what makes you full. For me, that’s time/hugs with @grantmeabody and my family, our pups, my clients, exercise, and makeup. Makeup is one of the few things that distracts me and makes me feel like I’m good at something. It’s creative, it’s fun, and I have no negative attachments to it.
-avoid what makes it worse. A lot of times, these little apps are poison for me. I keep posting and scrolling to a minimum.
-journaling and reading. Not for everyone, but very for me.
-trying to go outside more, and letting my bare feet touch the ground. Connecting more with nature, less with tech.
-GRACE. The more I beat myself up about it, the worse it is, so I have to practice letting go of guilt, shame, anger, and fear daily. -
Take care of you🖤