elliemaysrecovery elliemaysrecovery

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❥Ellie May  documenting my recovery through photos🌟 aiming for a happy & healthy life✨ currently inpatient🌦

Ive not updated in a while cause things haven’t been the greatest🙃 but I was getting messages asking for an update so here it goes! 😬 ‼️TW just in case‼️My very favourite staff member had to move jobs due to his illness & it hit me HARD. I was so extremely upset & he was crying to because the bond we had was honestly like family. He knew me inside out & always knew what was going on in my head. We have the EXACT same sense of humour & always use it to get us through the day . After he gave me a massive hug & left, I was so distraught because I felt like I could never let anyone in again because they’ll just leave me. I got myself very worked up & noticed that the door to get out wasn’t shut properly. I ran out & down the stairs & the alarms got pulled, there was 2 staff chasing after me & I was in my bare feet & pjs! I hid up a muddy hill covered with trees & saw them running past. I was out for an hour before the police found me & brought me back. When I got back I was so upset & one of the charge nurses decided that I had to move rooms so I was right next to the office.🙄 I’ve also got my time out taken away & instead of having 2 hours in my room & now only have 10 minutes & staff have to be with me.🤦🏼‍♀️ I hate that i’ve gone backwards but I need to remember that recovery is a rollercoaster, there will be ups & downs but eventually it will end! 🌟 Hope you’re all okay & sorry if i’ve not answered many messages, my mind has been very occupied & I also got told that i’m diagnosed with 2 other mental illnesses as well as anorexia which they only told me a few days ago🙃

A professional makeup artist came into the unit yesterday & i was the “model” she used to teach makeup for an hour! It was a really good distraction & it made me remember how much I love makeup. I hadn’t worn it in 5 months until yesterday & it made me feel so good having it on so i am going to try & do it more often! Sorry that i’ve not been too active, i’ve been struggling a fair bit & had to have my PRN a few times this week. Positive news; I am now an auntie! My oldest sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl.💕 Recently things haven’t been the best & ive been getting extremely frustrated which resulted in punching stuff.. a lot🤦🏼‍♀️ & i possibly have a broken hand😑 Hoping things start to look up, wishing everyone well.✨🌸 #anorexiarecovery

(Pls excuse how much of a mess I look) Mum was here last week & visited me with her friend & her friends dogs! They were so lovely & I took them into the courtyard & got to play with them & give them cuddles! My mum is gone now but mum’s friend is going to visit me again today with the doggies!🐶 TW!!! I’ve been struggling quite a lot recently with new habits that i’ve picked up☹️ I now can’t go a day without doing the habits & I feel really stuck in a routine I can’t break😓 I have lost quite a bit of weight these past few weeks & have gotten my time out taken off me🙄 I’m so annoyed cause I genuinely am trying but the voices are just too loud to fight against right now.🤦🏼‍♀️TW OVER!!! My Key worker has changed to my favourite nurse because he helps me SO much more than my old key worker did & I get on so well with him. We have a very similar sense of humour & he gets me through my meals/ support time by joking around with me & being sarcastic & cheeky.. exactly like me! Hoping things start to look up & I hope you’re all doing well.🌸 #anorexiarecovery

I got my industrial pierced on Monday! I did this to symbolise bravery & I am absolutely in love with it!💛 My mum is still in Dundee but is flying back home on Sunday. Things are quite hard at the moment & I have fallen into unhelpful habits & routines): I cant believe i’ve been here for 4 months now. I keep getting crazy vivid dreams, apparently it’s a side effect of sertraline which would make sense because it got increased to a higher dose a few days ago. Hope you’re all doing well.🌸 #anorexiarecovery

I GOT MY FIRST OVERNIGHT TO THE FAMILY FLAT!!!🎉 After supper last night I got to go down to the family flat with mum to sleep over! I had to come back up for 8am (breakfast) but I had a lovely time with her whilst I was there!🌟 We did facemasks & watched love island & pitch perfect 3 & played a few games!💛 I can’t even tell you how nice it felt to do normal things & im so grateful to have my amazing mum!💕It is the first time in 4 months that I haven’t slept in my room in the unit!💓 #anorexiarecovery

Just popping in to post a short update! I’m gonna try & post more frequently but shorter updates because going into detail about things isn’t beneficial for anyone!🌟I have had a really tough month & my T3 has been changed so many times! I was taken off the NG for a little while but due to things deteriorating, I was put back on & have been NG fed this whole week but tonight I managed to eat & drink orally meaning that I didn’t get NG’d at tea! I am trying to look at the positives even though they seem rare.☹️ Mum is up & I might be getting an overnight to the family flat which will be my first pass to the flat since i’ve been here🤩(4 months). Overall things have been hard but i’m hanging on because this pain won’t last forever & it will be worth fighting it in the end.💛 #anorexiarecovery

🐱Hello! Long time no post, sorry about that! My days are so constructed that I never really find separate time to post on instagram so I am really sorry.💛 I have been really struggling quite a bit recently with food & other destructive coping techniques sneaking back in.): The staff have noticed how much i’ve been struggling & have started putting in a separate hour in the day (outside of meal times) where they spend time with me doing something I like which is really kind of them but I feel like I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to trigger anyone as that’s not fair at all so i’m not going to go into detail about it! I started sertraline a few weeks ago for my mood but i’ve not noticed any difference other than some pretty shitty side effects☹️ Hopefully it will start to work soon & make me feel a little better. After my team meeting on Wednesday, I now get my room unlocked for 2 hours during the day🤩 It is so much better than having it locked through the entire day until after supper! My mum & dad were up last week & took me to the cats protection 3 days in a row since I have a couple hours time out as long as it’s a seated activity! My mum & sister are coming to visit tomorrow night & it’s nearly been 2 months since I saw my sister so i’m so excited to give her a massive hug!☺️ That’s really all i’ve got to update on for now! Again, i’m really sorry for not being active on here, hopefully i’ll be able to start posting some more soon! Hope you’re all doing well.🌟

Things have been extremely tough recently, sorry I haven’t been very active but i’ve been struggling a lot. I had to get tubed again 2 nights ago even though I was working so hard to manage my meals so I would never get tubed again. I don’t want to get into what happened but it was the most awful night of my life & I was in a restraint for over 30 minutes & was still in distress 4 hours after so I had to have medication to help & a member of staff staying with me whilst I slept. Mum & dad came up from Shetland last night & visited me today, which has helped so so much. Today we went for a drive because they hired a car & I now have some time out of the unit as long as it’s doing something seated (like watching a movie or going for a drive). Me & mum did also sneak into primark so I could get a couple of tops & pjs because theres no better clothes/ pjs to live in whilst you’re inpatient. Overall, I had been doing well until my set back but i’m going to work as hard as I can to get back on track. It’s so hard being away from home & it feels like i’ve been here forever (nearly 10 weeks now) & I still have such a long way to go before I can go home😓 Hope everyone’s doing well🌼 #anorexiarecovery

It’s a bit crazy how fast things can change in here. I can go from feeling so positive & motivated to feeling like all I want to do is give up, in a matter of seconds. These past few days i’ve been struggling a lot but put on a brave face & get on with it. I find it so difficult to admit how I am really feeling & that results in it building up & getting too much. This photo was taken yesterday, it captured a real genuine smile, which is something I have not experienced in so long. I was allowed outside in the sun & it completely cheered me up, but at night I crashed again. My mood is changing so much & so quickly which is something that I feel like people don’t speak about enough in recovery. Extreme highs & lows are a very normal thing when you are recovering from a mental illness. You are experiencing things that you have tried to shut out for so long, so of course it will effect your mood! It feels like the worst thing in the world going from feeling like you’re able to conquer anything, to feeling like you don’t want to go on, but it will pass. Eventually these emotions will normalise, just like everything else. It just takes time & a hell lot of effort. You have to put everything into recovery every day & it’s so draining but it will be so worth it in the end.💛 #anorexiarecovery

Hello loves🌼 I hope you are all well. I have now been inpatient for nearly 2 months & am making progress! I am still on the ng plan so if I don’t manage my meals, it gets tubed, but that is pushing me to try my hardest because I really don’t want the tube again. It is really difficult seeing the number on the scale going up, but I know it’s what I need to keep me alive & I know I still have a very long way to go. This past week has been quite tough & I have been really distressed at times☹️ I am missing my family & cats like crazy & it makes me sad thinking of them, but it also makes me motivated. Mum & Dad are coming up tomorrow💛 I have made enough progress recently with managing meals that I have been allowed down to the unit’s school (for half days until I am strong enough to manage full days) as long as I take the lift & sit on my pressure cushion! My dietitian is also (finally) letting me have a bit of choice in my meal plan, so I am allowed to chose the flavour of fruit juice I get at breakfast, the flavour of yoghurt I get if they choose me one at snack & what fruit I want if they choose me it at snack. I hate not being able to chose what I have to eat, but at least I am getting a tiny choice now. When mum & dad come up, my dietitian has said we are going to try to have a snack with them in the therapy kitchen to start preparing me for eating in front of them & to start preparing them for what they will have to do as well during meals/ snacks. All in all, things are okay-ish I am still fighting & still trying to stay positive, as hard as that is in here. #anorexiarecovery

Hello everyone🌸 I haven’t posted for a few days, things are overwhelming in here to be honest. It is hard to write up a post & update because my days feel very repetitive! Yesterday though, it was my 16th birthday! I never imagined that I would be spending my birthday in an inpatient hospital but that just goes to show how much anorexia & any other mental illness takes from you. My bmi is still too low to be allowed down to the units school, which sucks because I have been here 6 weeks now & am getting fed up of having nothing to fill my days out with. Since it was my birthday, my dietitian agreed to give me my very first pass out to the cinema with my Mum, Dad & sister. It was honestly one of the scariest experiences walking into a room full of people because I haven’t seen or been around people other than nurses/ young people for so long. I struggled a lot at first but managed to enjoy the film after calming down. My family got me so many lovely things & I am so grateful to of had them with me. They have traveled back home today so i’ll probably not see them for a few weeks now. I hope you all are doing well, sorry this isn’t the best update but I promise i’ll do another one when I have something else to update on.🌟🌸💕 #anorexiarecovery

Hello everyone🌟 I am so sorry that I haven’t posted in such a long time! This is a bit more of a positive update than last time thankfully, even though i’m still struggling a lot. Now that I am on the ng plan, anything I don’t manage to eat will get replaced with ensure & if I don’t manage to drink that, it gets passed through the tube after meal times. I got tubed once and it was the most traumatic experience of my life, I was having a panic attack whilst it was being passed and fainted straight after it got taken out because of how low my b/p was and my body was just not used to the experience. Ever since that night I have told myself that I can never get that tube again, and I have been using it as motivation to eat & have managed all my meals this past 3 & a half weeks! (or the ensure if I haven’t managed my meal) Now I am on the highest meal plan & getting weighed weekly. It is so difficult seeing the number go up after watching it drop for so long, but I know it’s what’s needed to get home. My dad has been visiting me the past couple of days & it was my tribunal this morning. My short term detention has now been officially changed to a CTO which is pretty shit.☹️ I’ve had a very tough couple of days after feeling really positive last week so my mood is really going through extreme highs & lows. My dad is travelling back to shetland today but my family are coming up this weekend for my birthday! It sucks that i’m spending my 16th in hospital but at least i’ve got these girls💛 I don’t know what I would do without the girls in here. They have gotten me through some of the toughest times & seen me at my worst but still stick by me & I love them so much.💕 The meals are so difficult because it’s food that I haven’t eaten for years & it is so hard to cope with the guilt afterwards, but i’m really challenging myself & trying my hardest to stay positive. Even though I have managed to gain these past few weeks, my bmi is still too low to go down to school/ go outside so I am pretty bored in the unit & trying to find as many distractions as possible to get me through. Hope you are all well & i’ll try to update more frequently.🌟 #anorexiarecovery

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