elleclio elleclio

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Elewyn Clio  🌙 @stoneandashstudio Nelson, BC

Go a little deeper❤️
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This round of treatment has been a roller coaster. I’ve got full functional use of my left side back, but I’ve also been sick as all hell and have had my moments of wondering if I’m strong enough to do this for six weeks. Physically I know my body is resilient and will make it through one way or another, but emotionally it’s draining and that’s forever the hardest part.
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I know I can’t do this entirely on my own, and I know I need more help than I’m willing to admit to myself. But the struggle against feeling like a burden is a tough thing. The fear of loved ones giving too much and burning out has me second guessing asking for help, something that ends up hurting on both sides.
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Yesterday I let that wall down, just a little, and was floored by how much care and compassion I was met with. A hint of remembering that I don’t need to carry this weight alone crept back in, and I let a tiny bit more of that wall back down.

Today was a slow studio day, mixing concrete while sitting on the ground and watching heavy clouds roll across the mountains. Brief fever breaks making room for play time and finding old lost lines of connection. 💙

I mentioned this in my story last night, but woke up still excited so I’m sharing it again - WE WENT FOR A RUN LAST NIGHT! And I’m so damn proud of both of us.
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Syd came to me pretty overweight, low mobility, and would be heavily panting from just walking, but a month later my girl is running with no issues other than a little sass that we didn’t go for longer.
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I used to run almost daily, not far or fast but I loved it. I went for a run maybe once a year and a half ago and otherwise that’s it since my health deteriorated. It wasn’t one specific thing, but my leg wasn’t working too well, and my respiratory and cardiovascular systems couldn’t handle the stress. A few months ago I was still walking with a damn cane and would take the long route to avoid steep hills. Last night was like I had never stopped, everything in my body functioning like there was never anything wrong.
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Again, I know this isn’t forever, to stay on these meds long-term isn’t an option, but right now I’m soaking up the good moments with my health, and appreciating just how well Syd is doing.
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So grateful for a doctor who supports me, for myself who put everything aside to try this treatment, and for this old girl who came into my life just when I needed her.

Friday feels✨
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This new treatment brings waves of feeling like absolute hell, with little breaks in between where I feel better than I have in years. None of this is permanent, but a little reminder of what it’s like to move freely is everything I needed to carry me through the rougher waves.

One year ago.
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Same day dreams, same wild heart and same ridiculous laugh, but almost everything else has changed. It’s wild how much can shift in just one year, and I’m so happy to call this place home. 💙

Oh, what a ride. Life has been such a bizarre set of ups and downs lately, where in my worst moments I get frustrated, but over-all am filled right up with so much gratitude I could burst.
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New symptoms, health struggles, and aggressive treatments, all wrapped up and held together with love and support. A nightmare of a roommate that lasted for a whole 24hrs, but has me feeling so excited for the woman who then moved in a couple days after.
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Feels like much of life has been going this way lately… Infuriating moments that clear out space for new energy and new paths, everything always in flux and the only thing to do is just ride with the change.
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I give myself permission to find joy while I still grieve, to feel angry and frustrated while also feeling excited. Holding on to the dreams that have held everything together, but also gently reminding myself to be patient and that everything will come as it’s meant to. 🌙

This marks the long cherished era of walking around home in next to nothing as I get the place ready for a roommate to move in.
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It feels like the end of so many chapters, filling in spaces on the gallery wall that has been sitting half empty for a couple of months and clearing out the second bedroom that I’ve been avoiding. The pants will forever be a downside, but I’m excited at the thought of inviting new energy into these walls and all the new beginnings. ✨

Five years clean and sober, and I remember that day like it’s happening today, but it also feels like so many lifetimes ago.
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This year was the first year that recovery has felt comfortable, where I can feel it pouring into all aspects of my life and the spiritual maintenance is an enjoyed routine practice instead of clenched fists and doubt.
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I started writing about how some of the shift came from doing the work, and realized all of it came from the work. Sorting through the piles of trauma and mess that I had been carrying, and then letting go of all the ideas of what I thought life should look like and starting the slow journey home.
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The piles are still there, but I’ve built sandcastles from what was once chaos. I see them, and I appreciate them because I know they’ve made me who I am. And the waves still come sometimes and knock them down, but patience knows they can be rebuilt. Maybe looking a little different each time, but there’s a lot of beauty in change.

A beautiful afternoon filled with cake, snow and sunshine, and keeping warm by a fire with the best of company. Followed by getting the vehicle completely stuck just as the sun set and a cougar deciding to grace us with its presence.
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Forever an adventure, and really wouldn’t have it any other way. ☀️🌨💙🌙🐈

My family is pretty spread out across the world, so they don’t make their way into my social media too often, but I was lucky to be raised around some pretty incredible people. This shirt has been passed around through a few of us and has been living with me for the past many years, originally from something my dad worked on years before I was born.
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Today he received his published book on the Towneley Plays, something that won’t mean much to anyone who isn’t really into medieval literature/drama, but sticking with something and working on it for over thirty years is pretty neat and I’m super proud of him.
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Love you, daddy dearest, and now go find a new hobby. 💙

Reminder to myself and whoever else needs it, it’s okay to really not have it together sometimes.
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Yesterday was the day I admitted to myself that my Lyme is back and it’s not just a few bad days strung together. My best self handles those days by pulling everything together, making a plan and fighting through it, but yesterday I had no fight left. That fire and drive just wasn’t there, every reserve of motivation and drive felt used up and I wanted to lay down on the earth and let everything else melt away.
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I stumbled through the day and then came home and cried. A lot. Then put my shoes back on and took Syd for a walk, because sometimes that is all you can do, pick a direction and go one foot in front of the other. Little steps that are somewhere between mindful and autopilot, tripping and falling (literally) but still getting back up and carrying on.
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So many times I’ve wished that I was that person who faces chronic illness without complaint or self pity, waking up each morning and making the absolute best of the day in whatever capacity I am able; and I’m just really not that person. I get there, and have learned to make peace with it, but it’s not without through trudging through all the bullshit first.
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Today is better, way better, but only because I let myself not have it all together yesterday.

A slow afternoon after a long morning, and this heart is filled right up🖤

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