eliotglazer eliotglazer

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Eliot Glazer  Comedian, friend & confidante. @broadcity resident. Writer for New Girl, Broad City and Younger 🙌 Live performances: @hauntingrenditions

http://eliotglazer.com/

mood all day every day

Exit Strategy: 🎈➡️🌤

Every now and then, I ask myself: is Uncle Kracker alive? I know I could Google him, but "Uncle Kracker" - conceptually speaking - feels more like an apparition at this point. And also, maybe I'm thinking too radically or judgmentally, but I'm guessing his tweets would be about how Tr*mp is, like, "kicking 'em where it hurts" or something that Kid Rock (his co-hort) scribbled onto the wall of the Lincoln bedroom? And I don't need more of those in my life. The news is devastating enough as it is without Uncle Kracker piping in.
Look, it's not fair for me to assign or project my own values onto Uncle Kracker, but there's also a part of me that hopes, wherever he is, that Uncle Kracker signed up for Ancestry.com to discovery that he's part Asian, and that he's joyriding on a journey of self-discovery that will, subsequently, explain his initial desire for facial hair that serves you "hillbilly Fu Manchu realness." But most importantly, the question that will continue to puzzle us all for as long as we dare to dream: is Uncle Kracker also Bubba Sparxxx? (And, also, why did I think you were hot when I was in high school? 😱)

San Fran! Want to hear some Haunting Renditions? How about a @broadcity panel with me, @ilanusglazer + @abbijacobson? What about *literally* *hundreds* of other comedians and musicians?...Okay, FINE. I'll show you my Bea Arthur tattoo for FREE! GOD! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT? // clusterfest.com

If you don't know how Haunting Renditions Live works, here's a primer that should do the job for you: just a subtle reminder that #DaveMatthewsBand "Ants Marching" made you feel like a GENIUS when you were a teenager, but it was all a wet dream... | TIX FOR 4/20 SHOW AT https://goo.gl/iW18pY

Some say Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Others say John and Chrissy. Kim and Kanye. Selena and The Weeknd. But for me, when it comes to celebrity #relationshipgoals, I look no further than "Ashlee Simpson" (allegedly) and her gay daddy, Joe.
Now, I don't say he's gay because he's wearing a tunic from Chico's, I say it because of his face and body and also his personality. That, and he got caught "photographing" a 21-year-old twink named Bryce Dallas Howard or something.
Sure, he may LOOK like the patron of the arts at a folk art museum, but that's not what makes him gay. It's literally everything else. (...And the wet dreams about Ryan Cabrera.) #coachellacuties

@thorgythor is my new best friend and you can't do anything about it except come see us perform together at Haunting Renditions Live on 4/20 at @bellhouseny | https://goo.gl/iW18pY

Thanks to @pastemagazine for having me into the studio! We laughed, we cried, we learned what a #fupa is. Video at facebook.com/PasteMagazine 🎶

favorite #coachella look

How many ways do I love @thorgythor? Let me count the ways: 1. Her face. 2. Her aesthetic. 3. Her face. 4. Her musical choices. 5. SHE PLAYS THE FUCKING CELLO LIVE! 6. HER FACE. IT MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH! Come see my favorite @rupaulsdragrace contestant of all time celebrate 4/20 *in style* at Haunting Renditions Live with @michellebuteau - Thursday night at @bellhouseny in Brooklyn! Tix: https://goo.gl/iW18pY (and in my bio)

Thank you @rupaulofficial for being the lunch date of my dreams. I'm good to go. Peace & love. ☠R.I.P. ME ☠

Way to bury the lede???

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