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eliotglazer eliotglazer

597 posts   28159 followers   2013 followings

Eliot Glazer  Comedian, friend & confidante. Broad City resident. Writer for New Girl, Broad City, Teachers, Younger. Live performances: @hauntingrenditions

#tbt & #smh 😞😞😞©️1994

Back to school hat!

Counting down the days until the YOU'RE FIRED meme hits. Fuck this bloated fuck and πŸ‘LETπŸ‘ IT πŸ‘SNOWπŸ‘ BITCH ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

What she said πŸ‘‰@dopequeenpheebs

I'm not necessarily a cat person, but...I'll take him?

Made in the shades πŸ•ΆοΈπŸ•ΆοΈπŸ‘Œ

Bidding a fond farewell to @midnight! Thanks to @bartcoleman for having me and to @thatblacknerd for being a great coach. Oh, and extra special thanks to @adamconover for impaling me with "nervous farts." πŸ€“πŸ‘πŸ’¨πŸ€’
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He won the game, so I'm allowed to say it. #tbt

O Heavenly Tiffany Haddish, Patron Saint of Distracting Me From Trump for Two Hours, in whose name I pray ever to God. No, wait -- not God. I meant Queen Latifah. Pray ever to QUEEN LATIFAH.
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Strengthen me in my faith in bootyhole jokes; establish me in Pinkett Smithdom; guard me against knowing Sarah Huckabee Sanders' entire name; that I may vanquish the foe malign and attain to glory everlasting, or at least $31.2 million in an opening weekend and the ability to wear cobalt blue like Regina Hall.
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...Amen.
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Oh, and please bless @katewalsh. Holy fucking shit is she funny too.
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#GirlsTrip

Donald Trump is an intentionally bad person. He's a dick by choice. He CHOOSES to be mean, stubborn, vindictive, childish, exclusionary, and to prey on those not born into wealth and privilege.
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And then, on fucking Twitter, the President of the United States said he wants to ban transgender people from serving in the military??? He wants to literally remove soldiers - PATRIOTS bravely fighting for a country built on freedom, people who are LITERAL WARRIORS - because their genitals confuse him?!
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I hate this man so much. And yet, the cruelest irony of all is that HE HATES ME. And YOU! He πŸ‘ hates πŸ‘ EV-πŸ‘-ER-πŸ‘-Y-πŸ‘-ONE. Because no one can love him as much as he loves himself. He's incapable of love. All he cares about is power and influence. ...Well, that and peeing on hookers BUT NOT GETTING HIS BIG BABY HANDS DIRTY because he's a germaphobe who is also AFRAID OF STAIRS! (What kind of New Yorker is afraid of stairs!?)
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#FuckTrump. Trans people are not a burden. His fat butt in tennis whites is a burden. His weirdly elaborate hair system is a burden. His bragging about getting TWO scoops of ice cream instead of one every night is a burden. Trans people are not.
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Plus, you KNOW he would grab @tracelysette by the pussy. But she'd knock him the fuck out before he even saw it coming.
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#itmfa #transrights #transrightsarehumanrights

#tbt to when we did prop comedy with an Ewok (πŸ“Έ@withreservation)

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One last push for Haunting Renditions Live tonight featuring Taran, Marina, and GORGEOUS versions of TERRIBLE songs by Jason Derulo, The Pussycat Dolls, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, The Black Eyed Peas and more! http://ticketf.ly/2sUZV42

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