I’ve been mourning for 2 years now. I don’t know when death became my closest companion but she shows up for me often. She comes for me with a raging fire, ready to burn up anything that doesn’t align with the most authentic expression of myself: love.
I’ve lost many versions of myself to this ruthless flame. I’ve lost friendships, relationships & connections. I’ve been stripped down, emptied & laid bare.
Everything I once believed to be a part of me, everything that I ever loved, has been burned up in the fire — lost in the magic. The pain of hitting rock bottom awakened me to my own power & I’ve been trying to save myself ever since.
I’ve peeled away layers of myself that I believed were intrinsically part of me only to discover that they were borrowed. I’ve tormented myself, desperate to take those I love on a journey that was only meant for me, never realizing how unfair it was to expect them to keep up.
How could I expect them to submit to death with the same readiness? How could I expect their willingness to endure a pain that I have not yet found a remedy for?
Nobody teaches you how to manage the grief that comes with transcending identity or how to navigate the world without a predetermined sense of belonging. Nobody teaches you how to deal with the suffering that comes with evolving into your best self within a society that thrives off mediocrity & repression. Nobody teaches you how to create your own patters, standards & ideals rather than adopting & settling for a life based on cultural patterns. Out here nothing makes sense; only the sense you create for yourself. It’s all too big, amorphous, nonlinear, infinite.
At times I feel seen, heard, felt & understood. Then I’m reminded that for many I’ll never be more than a projection or perhaps a mirror, reflecting an uncomfortable truth. That they’ve been living a life below their full potential. That their identity-centric existence has limited them. That they live a life of servitude — slaves to a fear that has no basis in reality. For this reason they’ll never see me let alone love me. Most days I’m okay with that. Most days I’m at peace. Most days.