I still have so many things I want to say. So many things I want to put into eloquent words on digital paper. I want to remind others that we will be okay. That while our hearts will continue to be heavy, while our minds will continue to be clouded, that we will one day be okay. I wish I had done more. I wish that I had said more. I wish that I had been capable of giving more of myself. Everything still feels surreal. It’s like a horrible nightmare because I can’t seem to wake up.
But today I finally decided to set up Elodie. I had watched some others set her up and she’s supposed to change colours at first and then you can choose a set colour. When I first turned her on, I don’t know what happened but this is the colour she was on. For that moment as I was surrounded by the scent of the oils, I felt peace. I felt okay. I felt that this isn’t a nightmare but yet a dream that we can still shape and create into something good, something great. We can take these experiences and grow and share that growth with others to hopefully make their lives better.
I want to help make lives better. I want to do better and make positive changes to the point where I’m impacting lives in a way that will make them better. I want them to feel loved. I want them to feel appreciated. I want them to know someone cares so deeply for them and wants the best for them always.
I want you to know you are loved. I want you to know you will be okay. I want you to know that while I won’t know all the answers, I won’t know all the best ways to help, I will do my best to help you.
And, Jonghyun, thank you. Thank you. I miss your presence on this same existence, but I genuinely felt you with me tonight. Thank you for being our friend, for being someone who wanted to remind us of our own worth and that our struggles and our emotions were valid. You always wanted us to be our best selves, but I think you felt we already were. So were you. Always.