doddleoddle doddleoddle

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dodie  I make music! I also feel a lot! My theme isn't great I don't know how to make it great. for business ✨

lol forever just uploading flowers when I haven't taken a selfie in ages cause I've been working and lookin s h i t
my room is such a tip (if u follow me on snapchat u know)
tell me pals - how does one keep tidy? Because I am not. Please share your advice!!

I adore thissss! By the talented @angel845570739

this was taken in a pub bathroom and someone walKED IN and I grabbed my phone and gave them a terribly awkward quick smile and then sat down at my table with josh and cringed

you've been there for one, like you said you would. Pete offers you another gin and tonic and you shake your head; tonight it's made you heavier rather than lighter, because it does that sometimes. It's the same old fucking pattern; can you see? No. Are you here? No. Will you remember this? No. "How was the show?" I have no recollection, but I think it was great. Yes I'm living the dream, but none of it's going in.
Ross, drummer, and your ride home, squeezes your shoulder; "what do you want to do?"
Teleport to bed and cry about how you'll probably be spaced out your whole life.
But you look around you, and there is jesse, and he's in England with you and you love him so much. And there's Bry and dice, and orla and jack, and they make you feel so comfortable and warm.
"We can stay for another 15 minutes?" You suggest. Ross nods and you feel the anxiety of the possibility of regret settle in after your decision. You will forgive yourself if it makes you worse, though.
You talk deeply with jesse. About it all. And he says something so meaningful that tears unapologetically roll down your cheeks;
"You might miss it when it's gone."
You laugh with ross, and pete, and everyone, and you are pleased and proud that you decided to stay for a little longer, and you make a mental note to try whenever the opportunity arises again. It is worth the risk, always.

quite possibly the best coffee I have ever tasted

how's ur heart, folks

like... is there a calm before a storm? Or have I just gone fully insane l o l
my head legit cannot carry all the shit that's happening. I'm getting heart palpitations and chest pain and I'm crying like twice a day. So why am i in such a weirdly good and positive mood despite my terror?!??
This isn't a cry for help, I'm just genuinely baffled. Brain what u doin.

Hazel's mam knitted me some flowers ^_^
I am working working working. I am stressed stressed stressed. I am plodding plodding on. Good luck to fellow workers! Exams, jobs, anything else - we can do thiiiiis!!!!

we spent the eve eating good pizza and giving advice - and then writing down each other's quotes in our phone notebooks to use for our art
also we stole these flowers from the loo to use for #aesthetic

throwback to last year! I remember this day as a lighter one in a month full of heavy, and the memory comes in unorganised, dark snapshots like it would in a drunken night. I remember tucking my socks into my shoes and running through wind. I remember white foam washing over naked feet. I remember shaking my pockets to empty the sand before clambering back into the cramped van to drive back to the air bnb. I remember feeling a bit sad about the fact that it didn't really feel like sun was on my skin, or that my memory of this would be played on a tiny, fuzzy screen at the back of my head (which is right) - but it still happened, and future me knows there was nothing I could have done about it. I'm proud at myself for taking pictures, and enjoying myself as much as I could despite the nudging feeling of disappointment.

a few days ago I was walking around in heavy, hot sunshine. I had a face that matched a special name tag that labelled me as "important" and "intimidating". I'd skip down stone steps with prepped pals to golf carts, where we'd sit on the back and zoom past excited groups of friends who'd be holding signs. I'd hop off and step into a crowd of glossy eyes and hugs and we'd all gush and babble about our mutual appreciation for each other and this weird situation. I'd talk until I couldn't see and my mouth had forgotten how to say thank you, and then walk tall in heeled sandles and enter a room blasted with air conditioning and full of sponsored snacks and coconut water, collapsing in a bean bag in the corner to recharge by staring at my knees and gripping my calves. I was used to taps on the shoulder, and spinning around to be met with a new smiling stranger and compliments. My head was still messy, but people knew me and I love that so I walked around as an open book, chatting about guilt, depression, worry, excitement, anything, everything.
Now I'm home and I'm marching in heavy brown boots up a concrete slope to the tube station. I don't make contact with glossy eyes - they are unfamiliar and tired instead, and we all brush past each other and close our coats together to shield our bodies from the wind. There are no smiles from anyone; we are all strangers. I sit on a train and spend time in my head, and at night I climb into my bed alone, sleep, wake up, make tea, work.

I tell myself and everyone around me that pain is just a life lesson, and that it's fun to collect these experiences and wear them proudly as badges of wisdom.
What I tend to forget when I share this information is just how badly it hurts. I can't eat because my stomach is already full and heavy and I feel sick. My chest is constantly aching and I have to warn people I'm about to cry when I talk to them. I can't stand the idea that I will feel this way for a while - and that's the processing I rave on about so much.
But I don't disagree with my blissfully ignorant advice. I'll be back there again; but for now, it is day one, and I'll be counting my cries as a way to measure dealing time.
But the universe has a great sense of humour; and also it will help. Lucy has told me time and time again that you have to close doors to allow new ones to open. So I tried to close it, and I wondered when the new ones would open, but I got nothing and I was angry. Tessa nudged me and suggested that perhaps I left it ajar, and she was right.
So I closed the door today, and I learned that Lucy's lesson works in ways you would never expect. (I think when I get back, I'm going to make a video or two, and then take a week long social media break. I just really, really need it. I think. I'll let you know.)

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