I heard a song today that I listened to a lot when I was struggling and it instantly brought everything flooding back.
It brought back the pain, the fear, the pressure, the utter despair with who I am and what that means.
It brought me back to those moments I'd been so paralysed by what was going on in my head, all I could do with cry. Too scared to reach out, to hurt another with my pain, that I hid it all instead.
It brought back the desperation to feel anything else. It brought back the memories of self-harm, suicide attempts, the nights spent huddled round a toilet.
It brought back every second and I felt sad for myself. I felt sad for the girl I had been. The one that missed out on so much because of the trap her mental illness had placed her in.
To the outside world I had no reason to struggle like I did. I experienced privilege everyday of my life. There was nothing wrong with my life and I hated myself for that. "How can I hate myself and my life this much when there's nothing wrong with my life?"
"How can I tell my parents that after all they have given me I'm still not happy, that I'm so unhappy I want my life to be over with?"
"How can I tell my friends when their problems are so much worse than mine?"
But the presence of someone else's problems doesn't remove your own. It doesn't matter if everything in your world should make you happy. If you're not, if you're in pain, then that's enough.
Your circumstances mean nothing if your suffering inside.
You deserve help, you deserve to speak up, you deserve support, you deserve everything you think should be given to someone else.
You don't need something bad to have happened, something bad is already happening.
Mental illness doesn't discriminate. It effects people from all walks of life and it will keep effecting you unless you reach out for help.
Don't compare your pain to that of others, you will always lose. There is always someone who you think has it harder than you but that doesn't invalidate your struggles. So speak up, seek help. I promise you it's out there.
Don't suffer another minute. Make yourself the main priority in your life.
Pants by @pineyandco ,link in bio.