deemoi deemoi

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deemoi  Making LIVING-LIFE-ON-YOUR-OWN-TERMS go viral! Hustler with heart Full time wandering addict 🚌 Mum❣️coach❣️Yoga teacher 📍#Marrakech Yoga retreat Oct👇🏼

“Once she stopped rushing through life, she was amazed how much life she had time for”... .
#slowdown #dothework

My body is changing. My hormones are changing. The subtle shifts in my physique are unnoticed to others but vey obvious to me. Scroll through my Instagram and you’ll notice that my tummy holds more fat tissue and my 6 packs like to go on long periods of hibernation, only to come back when I starve myself of all types of sugar.
My relationship with food started to resemble my relationship with my exes: riddled with complex roots that run deeper than my external emotional discomfort, and I noticed a flare up of anxiety at my subtle body changes and a love/hate relationship with food. I started to micromanage my body size instead of allowing my body to manage its own size...
then one day it hit me: my “body acceptance” is only based on my best size. I would write about it and prance around in a bikini taking Instagram shots when my tummy is chiselled and you can balance a dumbbell on my glutes, but when I’m bloated and carrying tummy fat, my camera seems to hide deep in my bag and my bikini is replaced with a bohemian floaty dress 🙄...
So how did I shift this body anxiety into body acceptance? THROUGH FOOD!
I started to see food as art and I would spend my free time learning about lean delicious foods that can reflect my creativity through creating beautiful dishes. I threw away the scales and stopped calories counting. Instead, I made cooking a ritual, cooked with friends and embellished meal presentations to make the table look like an art installation. My food choices became healthier, happier and more tailored to what body thrives on.
Food brought me closer to my tribe and together, we slowly rebuilt the bridges of love with food. I let go of the twisted guilt that comes with eating and I started to enjoy , enjoy, enjoy...
Nothing in my body needs to be hidden, shrunk, tightened or made smaller.
I just have to stay on the path of keeping a consistent healthy lifestyle and a healthy attitude without fretting over the extra inches of wobbles around my belly button...
I am becoming more myself, being in my body and beyond, embracing change with grace and looking forward to the unfolding seasons of being in my mid 40s...

This manically competitive culture I am part of is feeding my type A, even my Yoga became hard and fast, my yang flows started to feel like a rocket up my ass, an hour of intensity pushing me to my edge and I would reward myself with the crumbs of a 5 minutes savasana...
What this culture of speed I have become part of needs is a sedative, a Xanax for the soul, a deceleration of the brain.
I don’t want to be all in, today I want to be all out!
I want to focus on my breath, on this very moment right here, on this still water, on this paddle board, on moving slowly and feeling it all...and I want to remind myself that there are forces acting beyond my control, forces I can't see and can't understand, forces I can only feel when I stop.
I am stopping.
I am listening...#dothework .

Reality is neutral, like a bag of potatoes or a pair of flip flops...
Perception is the thoughts and feelings which make up the lens through which we view reality, and the lens often gets confused with what is being viewed through it. So in your reality you may feel that the potatoes are delicious and the flip flops revolting - and in my reality, the same potatoes are disgusting and the flip flops fantastic... Just because my thoughts and feelings seem real to me, must I conclude that they must be true? What if they weren’t?... And as I bumble along my reality, I take thousands of actions daily. Those I take towards another have a direct effect on how they feel and what they think. And if thoughts and feelings mostly make up our reality, am I then contributing to making my loved one's reality a heaven or a hell?
Am I then, by association and in turn, making my own reality just another shade of their heaven or their hell?

Today, I ask myself a question which has been troubling me for some time: where is the balance between acting selfishly for the sake of self-preservation and the pursuit of making my reality a happy one, and acting selflessly for the sake of a greater and all encompassing harmony?...#neverstopexploring #dothework

What if I just let go of the idea of letting go and hold on instead? Perhaps in that space of clinging, I can offer myself the gift of understanding the true nature of the conflict I carry within and the gradual acceptance of what is.

Whenever I try too hard to let go of something or someone, I clash with the impossibility of moving on. I’ve been wired to think that moving on means leaving something or someone behind when actually it’s just about a new beginning.

I will not charge forward before I sit in the stillness of my struggles, my pain will resurface eventually if I do not honour and express it.
Whenever I over-analyse and get stuck in the agony of unanswered questions, I live my life on the conveyor belt of "why!?" and create the illusion of movement when in truth i stay stuck in the web of my own anxiety.

There is a time to let go and a time to hold on.
I am healing by learning how to balance the two, how to be with whatever it is that cannot be, how to hold on to what shouldn't be, how to breathe life into the lifeless spaces within me...
I am taking my time figuring this shit out and what better place to do so than in St Tropez?!... #dothework #yogaeverydamnday @kxulondon

OMG OMG OMG...shit pic resolution but I’m so excited I managed this.
I don’t feel attached to my practise, I just roll my mat everyday, wherever in the world I am (St Tropez at the moment), and I just flow. I don’t practise traditional sun salutations, or poses progression. I just move my body and let it take me wherever it feels right...somedays I just lay in savasana for an hour and other days I move and move till my muscles aches... Today, my body and my mind took me here, and I’m filled with gratitude at what this body can do in my mid fucking 40s!!!...practise and all is coming...#dothework

is durability against other’s that simple!

In love
With your solitude...

I have spent most of my life fighting my own body, wondering why I am still battling with my flexibility, when other people start where I am today!?
First of all, your body’s flexibility IS (to a large degree) Genetic!
Your type of joints, bone structure, the elasticity of your muscle tissue, tendons and ligaments, are all factors that greatly influence your flexibility and you are born with them and can not change them! Add to this: age, hormones, lifestyle, how/when/how long you train...and you’ll get why a small portion of each person’s flexibility is adaptable, but it takes a long time and a lot of work to get even that small adaptation.
So by the time you come to the mat, you are already working with a somewhat depressing situation and what changes as you stretch is that your brain will allow you to hold the stretch longer, but the muscles and tendons themselves will not have changed much.
In summary, if we stretch more and stretch harder our tissue will not change because it is the nervous system that RUNS THE SHOW!
So what does that mean? That means that unless you are under anesthesia (where you will miraculously gain full and even excessive range of motion because your nervous system is asleep), your ability to stretch at any range is determined by your nervous system’s tolerance to that range.
So how did I learn tolerance then?
Yoga is a consistent practise that demands we roll the mat everyday. Years and years of practise gradually taught me to deepen a stretch by keeping my nervous system quiet at deeper levels of a stretch, a process known as stretch tolerance: I don’t feel the pain of a stretch anymore, and that makes it possible for me to get into a deeper position with an even more flexed joint...
Exactly the same principle applies to my life. I am able to tolerate assholes, narcissists, manipulators, awful life traumas, heartbreaks, arguments, bad decisions, terrible injustice, awful relationships, painful friendships, and people and situations in general, because my nervous system learned to endure past the pain threshold...this is the power of Yoga!

Sometime not to far into my past, somewhere along the line of a million compromises that only intensified my struggles, something inside of me broke in the very same place where it had learned to only bend...I remember feeling a sense of resignation, a sinking feeling that can only come from knowing that life will always be hard and love might not be real...
I fucking hated every infuriating spiritual clichés about “the wound is the place where light enters you”... My wounds had been open for a while but no light was coming in, only darkness...
Towards the end of this dark period, I chose to hold this uncomfortable space for myself and surrender to the unfamiliar feeling of acceptance.
What unfolded for me was an allowing of life to be what it is, irrespective of my agendas and expectations. This is the powerful territory of surrender, it enabled me to let go of trying to control. And just like that, I started stepping out of my own way. .
As it turns out, the light does come in through the cracks of brokenness but only if you let it in.
The light is nothing more than a willingness to do the work it takes to clear the residual emotional mess created by all the fucked up shit that hasn’t worked in my life.
The light is personal accountability, a decision to take responsibility for absolutely everything that unfolds on my path.
The light is an embarking on the painful journey of personal transformation.
The light is bravely following the love, never imposing, demanding or expecting, but slipping into a gentle space where everything shifts to create a feeling of oneness with myself and with another (#bilysm)...
The light is a powerful discerning force that filters out the bullshit, the deluded stories I tell myself, the toxic people that drag me down.
The light is an awareness of being and a choice to step into my own life and step out of my own way...#dothework #aimtrue #befearless #sardinia

I came back to London from my nomadic travels and he met me with music. It went something like this:
‘Skimming the fractured surface to a place of endless light’...
and I cried because it’s so true to the way he loves me and the way I love him. For the first time in a long time I have found the kind of love that follows the path from dark to light.
You may wonder why am I imposing my personal affairs on you, my amazing followers? I promise you it’s not to rub love in your face or to placate some desire to validate that I am happy in love. I’m not always happy in love. Ben and I ride one motherfucking roller coaster of love and it’s often as hard as it is easy. I am a firm believer that social media usage is a privilege and I honour my boundaries and only ever share when I learn a lesson. Here’s the lesson I’m sharing about love:
The truth is that the more closely I know someone, the more I see that they are broken, flawed and navigating the thick molasses of hangups and patterns...just like me!
and at this point, a mutual sense of kindness and acceptance is necessary to elevate each other in love, rather than beat ourselves with the stick of “I know better”...
Our mutual flaws become disputes that tap into some of our deepest psychological needs and fears, and the relationship goes from magic to tragic and ends up failing...
I believe you only truly fall in love with someone if you stick around after you have fallen out of love with them! You choose to have their back through their worse times and you rightfully expect them to have your back through your worse times.
Love is a choice. Love is not an emotion!
It is a choice to serve and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart.
“Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard.
Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship...”...#aimtrue #dothework #bilysm

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