COADDICTION & CODEPENDENCY....
I should have noticed the traces of exhaustion, the dark circles, the weight loss, that I don’t meditate as much and that my mind is so busy I cannot sleep.
I woke up this morning and I had a sort of a mental crash and just like that, I finally came into terms with everything.
All my life, I’ve had to keep it together: single mother, cancer, my exe’s mental health, childhood trauma, abuse, the war, the death of my friend 3 weeks ago, friends that suck my energy, etc...
and I smiled, militantly cracked on without wavering and allowed everyone in my life to lean on me a little too much...
Today, the dots of all my self awareness work connected and I could see the big picture. I could see that whilst I have improved so much on my personal growth journey and I’m now in an enviable space, I actually never ever addressed two things about me:
I am a codependent and a coaddict in relationships...a lifelong history of unbalanced relationships, picking up the slack of an under-functioning other half whether be it a friend or a lover.
I was raised in a loving family but in a harmful environment, I felt so ashamed and hid the truth from my parents and myself, I felt unworthy of love, that’s what I knew as a child. And then I became a flamboyant beautiful woman, but I have always gravitated toward those who give me those same feelings.
I never saw it this way until last week. How could have missed it?
What I thought was healthy love had always been unhealthy because it felt safer than anything else, I know how to handle pain and I don’t know what what it’s like not to be in pain.
Perhaps that’s why I was an adrenaline junkie for 15 years, scaling cold unforgiving mountains, perhaps that’s why I fell in love with addicts, broken people, perhaps that’s why my friendships are codependent and strained...
I am not broken.
I just developed responses in order to survive and to cope. But now, I am starting the journey to learn new, healthy responses and discover how to have balanced relationships.
But it starts by addressing the relationships I am currently in...and so it is that this chapter I had been delaying for so long begins...#dothework