deemoi deemoi

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deemoi  Making LIVING-LIFE-ON-YOUR-OWN-TERMS go viral! Hustler with heart Full time wandering addict 🚌 Mum❣️coach❣️Yoga teacher 📍#Marrakech Yoga retreat Oct👇🏼

COADDICTION & CODEPENDENCY....
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I should have noticed the traces of exhaustion, the dark circles, the weight loss, that I don’t meditate as much and that my mind is so busy I cannot sleep.
I woke up this morning and I had a sort of a mental crash and just like that, I finally came into terms with everything.
All my life, I’ve had to keep it together: single mother, cancer, my exe’s mental health, childhood trauma, abuse, the war, the death of my friend 3 weeks ago, friends that suck my energy, etc...
and I smiled, militantly cracked on without wavering and allowed everyone in my life to lean on me a little too much...
Today, the dots of all my self awareness work connected and I could see the big picture. I could see that whilst I have improved so much on my personal growth journey and I’m now in an enviable space, I actually never ever addressed two things about me:
I am a codependent and a coaddict in relationships...a lifelong history of unbalanced relationships, picking up the slack of an under-functioning other half whether be it a friend or a lover.
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I was raised in a loving family but in a harmful environment, I felt so ashamed and hid the truth from my parents and myself, I felt unworthy of love, that’s what I knew as a child. And then I became a flamboyant beautiful woman, but I have always gravitated toward those who give me those same feelings.
I never saw it this way until last week. How could have missed it?
What I thought was healthy love had always been unhealthy because it felt safer than anything else, I know how to handle pain and I don’t know what what it’s like not to be in pain.
Perhaps that’s why I was an adrenaline junkie for 15 years, scaling cold unforgiving mountains, perhaps that’s why I fell in love with addicts, broken people, perhaps that’s why my friendships are codependent and strained...
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I am not broken.
I just developed responses in order to survive and to cope. But now, I am starting the journey to learn new, healthy responses and discover how to have balanced relationships.
But it starts by addressing the relationships I am currently in...and so it is that this chapter I had been delaying for so long begins...#dothework

AKĘRU...
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in the Japanese dictionary, akęru means “to pierce, to open, to end, to make a hole in, to start, to expire, to unwrap, to turn over”...in a book I read about abandonment, “when someone leaves, akęru refers to the empty space that is created, the opening in which a new beginning can take place. “To begin” and “to end” are the same, part of the never ending cycle of healing and renewal”...
Today, all I can do is learn to sit in that empty space of love lost, and I feel as if the most important connection of my life has been stolen away from me by some evil power.
Old wounds are opening up, stirring up emotional baggage I thought I offloaded.
But perhaps every time I was left behind or did the leaving, abandonment fears came rushing in but I was also being brought closer to myself, eventually leading me to this very moment where I am strong enough to honour the power of my pain and harness this power to experience profound personal growth in areas where I had remained a wounded child...
I have been bringing my childhood wounds with me into every relationship I’ve had and I’m finally seeing that unless I go through the arc of grief and loss, alone, I will never lift those old obstacles and I will forever be doomed to perpetuate the traumas of my past.
This is the kind of work I really don’t want to fucking do!
But what can I do when I have seen? I cannot unsee and I have no choice but to trust the process and resist the gravitational pull of finding quick fixes to blot my pain... #dothework #trusttheprocess #aimtrue
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Thank you @kinkyknickers for cheering me up with this lovely gift #kinkyknickers

I NEED YOUR HELP MY LOVELY FOLLOWERS...
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On my last day in Morocco, I decided to treat myself to a bold piece of antique Berber jewelery. I had €450 to spend on a piece and I haggled till I was blue in the face.
The shop owners have the most remarkable jewelery I have ever seen and zero knowledge of social media or how to market their collection.
Tommy @Tom_mojet, and I knew that the world had to see these pieces and these men deserve to promote a family business that is over 100 years old. They were born hagglers and hustlers with heart.
We had to be of service to them...
So we spent the last 2 days of our holiday working for free to create a social media page for them. We didn’t sleep last night, photographing and editing pictures...
We are meeting them today at 2pm to show them their page, how IG works and to offer to manage their profile for 2 months until they amass enough interest...we are doing this for free. Tommy and I still paid €700 in their store...
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What’s in it for us?
Connecting with the act of generosity, learning to do good without expecting anything in return, practise Bhakti yoga: the yoga of devotion and kindness...
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HOW CAN YOU HELP?
Please follow @kounouzofficial and like their pictures.
Make their day by enabling us to show them how their account is already growing, we are going to their shop at 2pm to have couscous and show them their page.
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We don’t need barriers in life, we don’t need duality and division, we don’t need social hierarchies and entitled status...we just need to stop building walls and start seeing bridges...
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#berber #traditionalart #tribe #jewelry #kounouz #kounouzofficial #marrakech

IN COMMUNICATION WITH MY EGO...
I am, for the most part, inauthentic.
Not deliberately, but by default.
I am mostly unaware of my inauthenticity even as I argue that I am being "true". Especially when I argue that I am being "true"...
How can I claim to be an authentic human when I am often driven by motives I am not even present to, preoccupied with looking good, engrossed by the quest of genuineness, holding on to the ideals and merits of one path over the other...
I am doing my best to be the best version of myself, but the truth is that I often show up into the world through the lens of my wounds, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, my accomplishments, my strengths, my pride...
I am not avoiding my personal truth, quite the opposite, I am committed to honesty and sincerity of intentions but I now see that beneath all my beautiful intentions and my admirable goodwillI, my false ego is ever present.
I am in communication with my ego and together we found the most authentic expression of self: "you are being inauthentic about being authentic"...
And that in itself is the most humbling and beautiful truth that brings me the closest I have ever come to genuine inner peace... #dothework #aimtrue #findyourself #findyourfreedom
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@sweatybetty. 📸: @tom_mojet

Sentiments without actions are the destruction of our soul... #domore #dothework

DANCING ON GLASS...
I an on day 3 of teaching my yoga retreat...
Heartbreak while teaching a yoga retreat is like dancing your favourite dance barefoot on broken glass...but as it turns out, dancing on glass is not only possible but is strangely a transformative experience.
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on my flight to Morocco, I kept telling myself that I must pull myself together but I was falling apart, unravelling at the seams.
Every lesson I have learned about letting go, every past experience of pain being transitory, every knowledge I have of the nature of heartbreak were things I could neither resonate with nor believe in.
By the time I got to Marrakesh and settled at the retreat, I was a shell of my former self. I was broken!
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On day 2, I lead a very powerful practise followed by an hour meditation and I came out of that feeling raw but empowered. I felt that perhaps I really did have a choice! I could choose to look at my heartbreak as an opportunity to change my perception of a broken heart and give myself access to explore the mind-over-matter connection.
I sat with that for a day and oscillated between feeling paralysed by my loss and at peace with my decision to leave.
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On day 3, today, I made a decision to alter my thoughts about my pain both consciously and subconsciously, and I already feel the ‘tug of war’ between my heart and my mind easing off...
My heartbreak is a game of dancing on glass, the hardest part isn’t the act of putting one foot in front of the other, it is overcoming the fear of cutting myself...
I am embracing my wounds and allowing them to open me to a greater awareness!... #dothework

TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN
LIFE IS THE SCHOOL IN WHICH WE LEARN...
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Disappointment is one of my life's tools. It reveals people and shows me the true nature of my own deluded mind...
I am an optimist and a believer in human nature's remarkable potential and in every man's ability to rise to such greatness.
So I naturally cut those who share my journey plenty of slack and continue to trust in their intrinsic goodness long after they stop believing in their own.
I have learned that while I await for some to soar up to their potential of greatness, I gradually descend to another impasse of a one sided love that takes more than it gives.
I have finally come to realise that there is no virtue in placing people on pedestals of light if I am not prepared to shift them from where I have so carefully placed them and allow them to be where they choose to place themselves...
It’s called seeing the truth behind the rose tinted goggles of love and sometimes true love is all about admitting the cold hard facts.
Some of us are too far gone into the darkness to rise to the light, it kills me to admit this and even as I type these words everything in me screams that everyone can walk the path of light. But you would want to walk that path with every inch of your being in order to walk it truly! this is the hardest path of all and there are no easy rides along this journey.
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Today I stand broken, sad and grieving.
I gave someone an infinite line of love and they reeled in the slack I cut them, while I got more and more tangled in their web...This is not love, this is attachment and dependency.
I love him truly, I love him deeply, I love him unconditionally and that is why I must shorten the slack I cut him, i must draw boundaries, I must disable the darkness and enable the light and this sometimes means making the hardest choice and letting go of something I desperately want to hold on to.
Love in its truest form is the love of release, the love that never tries to fix what is undeniably broken, the love that cuts the slack of dependency and strengthen the hold of self love.
I must do what I don’t want to do and that’s because I am in the presence of selfless love...

FROM ANXIOUS TO SECURE...
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For someone as intense as me, romantic Love can be a head fuck! Waves upon giant waves of perfect surfing or being ruthlessly slammed down the ocean bed of a miserable love.
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I have been in relationships with avoidant men who brought out my anxious attachment. I survived on a diet of panic and insecurities at the slightest sight of a breakdown. The more I was pushed away, the more anxiety overtook me and the more anxious I became, the further away I was pushed. This vicious circle of anxious-avoidant shrunk me into a codependent wreck. Dealing with disappointment became as natural as brushing my teeth and the constant lump in my throat gave rise to a sadness that plunged me into the profound experience of a loneliness that was all encompassing.
I fucking hated it! I hated love with all my heart!.
I was crying out for love but I felt like I was being punished in love.
I lost myself, my power, my mojo!
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I hated those feelings so much that I went to therapy and learned to ride the heart wrenching wave of confusion, pain and shame that came from being codependent on an avoidant man...
Once I learned how to override my rising panic and remain in centre of my calm self, I learned how to walk away from the wrong love and found the best love: self-love.
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When you start to walk the true path of self love, you excavate the rotting hang ups of childhood traumas and work your way from extreme avoidance of darkness to extreme acceptance of darkness, that’s when you find the light.
Self love leads the path to all kinds of love.
That’s how I met Ben.
We have both been on the same journey and we understand the importance of staying grounded in compassion amidst the seamless ebbs and flows of happiness and sadness. Because we have very happy days and very sad days.
We are learning to navigate our own attachment styles with kindness and love and we are sharing deeply and vulnerably all of our fears and insecurities. The more we rise and fall with the waves of love, the more we become the puppeteer instead of the puppets being tossed around the stage of our own life.
We are secure in our own insecurities and that why we are powerfully in love

A COCK-TAIL OF VANITY WITH A SPLASH OF FUN...
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So what if my sexual expression is fearlessly public?
So what if I flaunt the body I work fucking hard at maintaining in good shape?
So what if I occasionally enjoy a social media cocktail of ego and pride with a dash of playfulness and a splash of vanity?
So what if I talk of my pain, my breast cancer, my fear of rejection, my battle with self-doubt, my history with abuse?...
All of that on Instagram?
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Do you prefer a public profile that's not too high or not too low on the intensity scale?
Do you prefer a domesticated yogi?
Someone told me that it might stop people from unfollowing me (I get unfollowed a lot and have dropped from 65k to 58K in months)!
I honestly don’t care that much about being unfollowed, nor does the backlash of DM calling me a glorified slut bother me.
By virtue of being on social media, I am inviting feedback and i welcome all feedback, good and bad...
The way I see social media is a reflection of where I’m at in life: if I am struggling in real life, I want to struggle on social media too.
If life gets too hard and I feel lost and depressed, I want to share my heart on social media too.
If I'm feeling sexy in real life, I want to be sexy on social media too...
If I send a raunchy selfie to my boyfriend (having taken at least 100 before I settled on one), I sometimes feel like sharing it on social media too.
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I inhabit my body and my thoughts consistently, on my own terms.
There is something elemental about being sexual and vulnerable and that's just a beautiful thing...
"Sexuality is scary the way the sea is scary, the way a storm is scary -- because it's elemental, and, as in all great elemental things, the same qualities that make it so powerfully beautiful can make it powerfully frightening..."
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So girls - all of you wonderful goddesses who share my IG feed - from the depth of my feminist heart, I want for you to embrace your holy divinity, your sensual awesomeness, and know that you are sublime goddesses even in your splintered moments... #befearless #dothework #beyou #walkthepath #dothework

MENTALLY DETACHED...
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Self inquiry invites me to recognise the distortions I place on the stories I tell myself, and in doing so, I recognise the distortion that others place on their own stories. It's an empowering exercise in not fully buying into any truth, not mine and not anyone else's, but instead to recognise that all truths are nothing more than subjective sets of meanings we attach to a series of events. The event in itself is neutral, but the meaning we attach to it makes it either uplifting or sad. .
We tell ourselves all sorts of stories to support our desire to be in a certain situation, we call the story "our truth". But what if the situation we are in is fucked up? What if it's counterproductive to our happiness? What if the truth we tell ourselves is just another excuse to stick to our ways and not have to wade into the discomfort of new habits and new beliefs!?
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We delude ourselves into thinking that if we are aware of our "truth" then we must be right. This attachment to rightness causes unhappiness and boxes us into a selfish world in which compassion and compromise have no room to grow.
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It was a powerful moment for me when I realised that what will set me free isn't to stick to my truth, but to detach myself from all kinds of truths (mine, his, hers, yours, whatever), to disputed them, redefine them and find peace away from perceptions and into the actions that I take moment to moment.
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I stand firmly in the one truth that matters: believing my truth will neither set me free nor will it bring love and happiness into my life. As Oscar Wilde puts it "the truth is rarely pure and never simple"... #dothework

AS YOU START TO WALK OUT ON THE WAY
THE WAY WILL APPEAR...
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Every time I tried to walk in a direction that did not sit well with me, I eventually became a dissatisfied ball of longing, sadness, anxiety, insecurity and anger! Walking a path that is not true feels like an exhausting fight with myself: my brain tells me that I’m strong enough to live this life that looks so fucking good on paper but my heart knows that I’m weakened by the decision to live a life that is terrible for my soul.
Unfortunately, life cannot happen in half measures. Pretending to be happy while shutting down the niggling feeling that something isn’t quite right only results in walking the wrong path. The wrong path is all about clinging tightly to the very things that are making me sink like a stone.
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If only I can explain how much I struggled to find my way. No wonder I was deeply misunderstood by my exes, abandoned by my lovers, judged by my peers, pushed away by my friends! I was passively being led down a path that was not mine to walk and I became a weak, fearful and disempowered woman...
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Now I am finally walking in the direction I feel pulled, a direction that speaks to my heart, doors are starting to open, like-minded people are coming into my life, I am finally letting go of old stale things that I have been holding on to, and it feels as if, suddenly, I can hear!
The noise is disappearing, so are my expectations, and I am taking it all in, the good times and the fucking awful times, as steps on my path.
I have so many overwhelming days where I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, but I don’t do that. On those days, I let my sadness and anxiety in, I welcome my fear and breathe it all in because I can live here now. This is my path, my home, my heart. I am strong. I am vulnerable...I am walking...
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#walkthepath #dothework #aimtrue #beyou #yogaeverywhere #yogaeveryday

YOGA RETREAT IN MARRAKESH!
NEW SPOTS AVAILABLE...
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My Yoga & wellness retreat starts October 28th. We were fully booked but 3 clients didn’t had visa issues to Morocco and those 3 places have now become available...
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This is a week of indulgence for the naughty Yogis: good vibes, tan lines and more Yoga than you know what to do with…Think of your week with me in Morocco as a grand yet a low key affair, an uber stylish yet down to earth adventure, a tranquil yet not boring escapade...
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Check it out on www.deemoi.co.uk ➡️ LINK IN BIO...
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have fun, practise Yoga, attend gong baths, singing bowl meditations, listen to music, get a tan, read a book, party, drink wine, shop, eat organic wholesome food, and choose whatever the f**k you want to do on your well deserved break…
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email me on dee@deemoi.co.uk for any question!
Pack your yoga mat and your sunscreen and let’s end the summer on a banging note!
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#yogaretreat #yogaimmersion #yogaworkshop #marrakesh

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