This isn't a word that I could consistently use to describe myself this week. As my big sister and been in the hospital all week withstanding attack after attack on her body, I've struggled to be fearless. This is my big sister. My sisters are the reason I'm not the same loud, unaware, desperate for attention little boy that they grew up with. (At least not entirely). In middle school when other kids were playing with their friends I was with my sisters (6 and 9 years older than me) and their college aged friends. Watching and learning. Watching them set standards for the type of man that they would even consider giving their attention to - the type of man it would take to capture the attention of a strong woman. When I was in high school and they moved out, I would watch them for the next 15 years closely. Every obstacle they overcame, every new journey they began, every boundary firmly drawn against insecurity and doubt was a Masterclass in how to be fearless. .
Now this week as I've been struggling to root out fear in my own heart - as I've watched my big sister battle kidney and liver failure among other things - there have been moments where I felt like that same 14 year old boy just watching and feeling helpless. Last night I received a text saying that Janelle has been intermittently waking up and asking if I know that she's ok and if I'm worried. "She doesn't want you to be afraid, so pray with love and no fear". Even now, as she continues to battle a combination of attacks that are unthinkable, she's fearless and she want me to be. .
It's her voice in my head when I begin to pray from a place of fear instead of faith and it's her example - again - that's the driving force behind my ability this morning to say there's no room for fear in our prayers. I'm believing with her and so many others that there will be miracles. I've seen them before and now I want one for my sister.