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darkpoems.darkerfeelings darkpoems.darkerfeelings

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Dark Poems  tired. just so... tired.

Staring off in to the distance, wondering why, I'm still existing?

I'm so far gone, that I don't even care anymore. Anything could happen, and I wouldn't care.

Why do parents think it's a good idea to not let their kids see their friends... like fr ur just making life worse...

I'm tired of people telling me they care. If I wanted to see words I could read a book. What I want is for you to show me. But that's the thing, you can't, because you don't actually care.

I want to sink. I want to stop breathing. I hate myself in every way. And you laugh at me any way.

I don't want to live anymore... it's too fucking hard. I try so hard to cheer other people up... but it's all fake. They aren't really sad. Life is fake. And I'm just a fucked up teen.

IM NOT PERFECT
I'm really not worth it
Nor will I ever be
Can't you see?
I'm not something to be dwelled on
You'll forget me by the dawn
I'm useless
Engulfed by blackness
Tired of this abuse
I've lost my values
These verbal jabs
The painful stabs
I'm not who you think I am
My happiness is a scam
My smile could not be faker
Life has become a blur
Long sleeves
It's not what is perceived
Everyone I have deceived
People actually believed
That I was relieved
"I'm tired" I'd say when they'd ask
Behind your back I'd pull out a flask
But now I unmask
Not a joyful task
Yeah I'm alright
Yet I have to fight
I've lost my birthright
So I say goodnight
Turnoff the gaslight
Shoulder so cold you'd think I have frostbite
But despite this light
I handwrite by the moonlight
Recite and rewrite this invite
Lost my appetite
I don't mean to be impolite
But I'm not all right
Don't mean to be uptight but tonight
I'm dynamite
And boom what a sight
It's a play-write at midnight
In the twightlight
I'll highlight and ignite
And those words you called me will mean nothing.

Pt 2: WHY It's when I run into my room and slam my door and throw things and blast music and slam my head into walls, throw my useless body around like a rag doll.
It's not eating.
It's throwing up everyday at lunch.
It's the fact that even when I'm smiling and laughing at someone's joke, I feel like I'm going to pass out or puke.
Its the fact that I don't want to get dressed in the morning because I hate the way I look in my clothes.
It's the fact that I have to smile and tell people "I'm just tired" because I'm feeling so suicidal at the moment that it's showing through my cover.

Pt 1: WHY
Why do I cut?
When I stare at my bare, naked body in the mirror... I despise it.
I hate everything about every inch of myself.
It makes me angry.
It makes me want to punish myself for being so ugly.
So out of anger, I paint on the canvas of my flinching skin... and I cry as I do it because I know it's not my fault.
But there's no one else to blame.
It's the times when I don't remember when I showered last but I know I haven't brushed my hair in three days.
It's when even seeing other people smile makes me want to cry.
It's seeing my scars and weeping because I know that I'll never feel okay.
It's staying up all night comforting a friend over a tiny stupid problem and knowing that they won't help me.
It's crying so hard that I don't even make noise and I'm just a shaking heap.
It's breaking a mirror with my fist because I can't stand to look in it anymore.
It's never being good enough for anyone.
It's that I fake a smile while others pretend to be sad.
It's that people say I do this for attention.
If I wanted attention would I be trying to pretend so hard?
Would I wear long sleeves even I'm the scorching heat?
Would I refuse to go swimming even though it's my favorite thing to do?
Would I lose points in P.E. for not dressing out?
Why can't people love me for me?
I guess I get it..
I can't even love me for me...
I'm a fake.
I'm not me anymore.
I don't know myself anymore.
I don't even know who I used to be or who I want to be.
I just live every day like some sort cycle.
Emotionless on the outside, dying in the inside.
I smile all day and cry all night.
It's when I exercise to the point that I am unable to breathe and it hurts to move.
It's when I have to hold the top of my sleeve as I raise my hand in class.
It's using bathroom passes until the middle of class because I'm having a mental breakdown and I'm crying.
It's the fact that I'm writing these words at one in the morning in a Sunday night and I know I have school in the morning but I can't sleep.
It's when the music in my headphones is so loud that I can't hear myself crying through it.
It's when I run into my room and slam my door and throw things and blast music and slam my head into walls,

Pt 4: HIM I'm just tired of looking at you mindlessly and wishing my death...
I'm tired in general.
Why am I here?
I don't know if there is a real purpose...
Everyday, again and again I'm told,
"No one wants you here."
"Kill yourself"
And it's sinking in...
Tilting my feelings, I've started to believe I should.
Why not?

Pt 3: HIM I stare at my makeup less face in the mirror and cry...
I daze out and stop paying attention in class...
I think about you all damn day...
I've tried to move on...
But I can't....
I tell my friends that I've gotten over you.... but I haven't.
I've tried liking other guys...
And I do... I really do like them...
But I LOVE YOU...
I would take a million bullets to ensure you don't scrape your knee...
And you wouldn't scrape your knee to save me from a bullet...
I'm tired of breathing and not being good enough....
I stand on the scale every night...
Hoping that maybe if I lose these extra few pounds you might finally like me...
Not a single day goes by when I don't think about you...
I try so hard to be like her but I cant...
I'm sorry...
And I'm sorry that she said no when u asked her out because honestly... it would kill me... but you would be happy....
I've tried convincing her to go out with you because I know it would make you happy...
And as I type these words I shake... chills on my arms because I've thrown all my blankets off the bed when I was crying over you...
I can't text people.. I can't talk...
I don't want to...
And yes, I can tell when ur ignoring my texts...
You've left me on read for months and then claimed u forgot to text back.
I can't take this anymore...
I just want to die...
But it's funny...
Because every day I'm not with you is killing me on the inside...
Everything you do is perfect to me...
Even when you make mistakes...
I still think you are perfect...
Every piece of you...
When they hug you and touch you...
I want to cry...
Tears swell in my eyes...
But they wouldn't understand...
No one understands...
And they never will...
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I'm tired of this useless repetition...
Waking up, not being good enough, and crying myself to sleep...
I miss my Dad....
I miss my real mom...
The one who told me she loves me...
The one who would hug me and tell me she loves me...
I don't remember...
I don't remember the last time I told her I loved her and meant it...
Why?
Why can't I just have my old mom back...
The one before the drugs...
Before the alcohol and the abuse and the lack of money...

Pt 2: HIM But instead I smile and pretend to get over knowing well that I will cut tonight...
Knowing I'll cry until my head is throbbing... then I'll take enough pain killers to knock me out...
And the sad thing is... I know I'm slowing sinking away...
I no longer look when crossing the street.
I take as many pills as come out of the bottle without care.
I no longer care...
I no longer care...
I no longer care...
I care...
About you...
I would take a bullet for you.
It's hard to believe... but I would jump in front of a bullet rushing through the air.
Because I love you.
But I'm not suppose to.
My friends tell me to shut up when I talk about you...
So I have...
I keep it in... and carve it into my skin...
Every time I try to talk to you... someone interrupts me...
I hold back the tears and wait until I'm home...
I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on...
But when I see you... butterflies erupt and I physically shake...
Every movement you make I grasp onto and remember because it is so damn perfect to me...
When the other girls tell me that you're cute... I die inside... but I refuse to let it show...
Because I know she's prettier than me...
She's skinnier than me... that's why I don't eat lunch anymore...
She's flexible... I'm trying...
I'm not as good as her and I never will be...
And every fucking day I watch you watch her and I want to take a blade and bury it deep in my skin and punish myself for not being her...
I heard you went on a date recently...
I spent the night throwing up...
People call me over dramatic or mental or insane for liking you this much... they call me a stalker or shit like that...
But that only makes it worse...
It makes me physically unstable when I see you...
In choir, when we are singing... I'm shaking and attempting not to throw up...
People ask my my head is buried in my hands... to hide my tears because I can see u looking at her...
And I refuse to tell her...
I want her to leave you alone and not talk to you and just stay away...
But she's my friend...
And that's crazy...
I'm so damn concerned and you aren't even mine...
You'll NEVER be mine....

Pt 1: HIM
One day I hope to look at scissors and think of arts and crafts...
And hear the word cut, and think of paper....
Hear the word scars and think of childhood fun....
One day I want to hear beautiful whispered in my ear by my love...
And I want to have a will to live...
Yet I stand on this hypothetical ledge of a hypothetical skyscraper, willing myself to jump...
I can't look at a razor and think of shaving...
I can't look at a bridge and not want to jump...
I can't smile because I know it's a lie...
I can't look in a mirror because I know it will just make me want to cry...
What is my purpose?
I try and try to find one as I cry myself to sleep... but it's impossible...
People tell me to smile...
I CANT! DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?!?! No... you don't... and you shouldn't... no one should go through what I'm faced with...
How can you tell me that me not smiling is making you sad?
Have you ever thought about why I'm not happy?
No... and you shouldn't... if you knew what I was thinking about you would put me in an institution....
But yeah... I'm fine.
This smile is real....
I'm just tired...
I wear long sleeves because I'm cold...
And each time I tell you one of these lies, I pray that you believe me.... but the truth is...
telling someone won't help me... it will just make it worse...
Really... a counselor can't help me... no one can fix me... IM NOT BROKEN.
I don't want help...
I don't cut because I think it will kill me... I cut because it's the only thing that makes me feel alive...
The blood that leaves me, reminds me that I'm still here...
Yes it's true I don't want to be here anymore... but I'm weak...
I'm tired of breathing....
But every time I look at you it leaves me breathless...
I keep waking up from a nightmare but I was never sleeping....
I wanted to kill myself and you were yelling about dirty dishes...
And I can't talk to him...
Because every time I talk to him I realize I love him...
And every time I realize I love him, I realize I can never have him...
And that makes me love him more...
The way you smile at her...
When she hugs you, when I'm standing there on the verge of tears... knees weakening and the pulling urge to collapse to the floor.

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