Today I stood in a communal change room with 10+ women (didn't count, but it seemed like a lot) and I couldn't bring myself to take off my sports bra to try on another 😐 I wanted to, it felt like a step backward for myself if I didn't, but I also knew I didn't strictly need to 😕 still, the judgements both ways tally up in the running theme I'm tangled in lately. Bearing too much, bearing too little, looking dumb, making dumb choices in spending and sleeping too much and eating and doing too little, not knowing my mind, being too rigid of mind, thinking too much and planning too little.
It all comes back to one fear: vulnerability. I've pushed to a point where my problem-solving mind, built for survival, is raising the alarm over every potential exposure 🚨 conversation, presence and visibility, physical state... no longer able to effectively gauge risk, it labels everything as dangerous and wrong and to be avoided. It can only tell me what I must not do in order to protect myself, not what I should do instead. Perhaps this is because some nothing is genuinely needed.
In this threat avoidance state, it feels like you're continually taking hits with no break or comfort (even when this isn't truly the case) because the threshold for discomfort is so low. Some things that were previously comfortable overall now become distressing and those comforts that are left aren't anywhere close to restoring the balance. The only answer my brain can offer is to hide and maybe wait. For what? I don't know. I remember that there's another way of being that I experienced before, but I'm so far from it now that I can't see it 👀
I'd hoped this would make sense... it doesn't. Not to me.