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dangerousgoods4551  28, AUS. Daughter, sister, lucky gf, yogi & cheerleader ❀️ Battles, wins and authenticity ⭐️ SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT LIFE πŸ‘πŸ» Freya 🐢🐾❀️

All today is to me is this; another one where everything went sideways πŸ’© another where this is all I could do, just sit and watch it all fall down πŸ‘‡πŸΌ I could not feel less empowered because today I can't be a good anything 😢 I can't give to the things I really care about πŸ˜”

I start my first Honours workshop block on Monday and there is no preparation I can do 😐 no textbooks, no course materials and I can't go to the Orientation (or Zoom it) because I can't change my work days πŸ˜“ nothing that I'm doing makes any sense - it's either something I don't believe in, or something I do value that's being distorted by the depletion I'm constantly trying to fend off and rectify πŸ˜’ all I know is that it is where I was headed... whether it's as bad an idea as it currently seems remains to be seen πŸ‘€

Today I stood in a communal change room with 10+ women (didn't count, but it seemed like a lot) and I couldn't bring myself to take off my sports bra to try on another 😐 I wanted to, it felt like a step backward for myself if I didn't, but I also knew I didn't strictly need to πŸ˜• still, the judgements both ways tally up in the running theme I'm tangled in lately. Bearing too much, bearing too little, looking dumb, making dumb choices in spending and sleeping too much and eating and doing too little, not knowing my mind, being too rigid of mind, thinking too much and planning too little.
It all comes back to one fear: vulnerability. I've pushed to a point where my problem-solving mind, built for survival, is raising the alarm over every potential exposure 🚨 conversation, presence and visibility, physical state... no longer able to effectively gauge risk, it labels everything as dangerous and wrong and to be avoided. It can only tell me what I must not do in order to protect myself, not what I should do instead. Perhaps this is because some nothing is genuinely needed.
In this threat avoidance state, it feels like you're continually taking hits with no break or comfort (even when this isn't truly the case) because the threshold for discomfort is so low. Some things that were previously comfortable overall now become distressing and those comforts that are left aren't anywhere close to restoring the balance. The only answer my brain can offer is to hide and maybe wait. For what? I don't know. I remember that there's another way of being that I experienced before, but I'm so far from it now that I can't see it πŸ‘€
I'd hoped this would make sense... it doesn't. Not to me.


I've only got basic equipment, but it will torment my soul for a really REALLY long time if I don't make some decent attempt at capturing the lunar event. I'd hoped to have made my plans by now, but my brain hasn't helped me out a lot lately.
All advice and ideas welcome!

Note: I live in Carina, but I can drive to good vantage points πŸ‘€

I had my first meeting with my Honours thesis supervisors last Thursday and this was on a cabinet in the office. Far better and more useful advice than anything I've been getting from my psychologist that I'm happily not seeing today (or anymore, for that matter). It doesn't remove or reduce the obstacles, but it lights the way to navigate them. I appreciate it πŸ’•

I know that Freya is a dog and I am a human, but she outsmarts us and surprises me with the beautiful things that she does 😍🐢❀️ she has adapted to so many changes in her life already and smiles through everything 😊🐾 I'd like to be more like Freya and if I can't, at least I can be proudly and happily right next to her πŸ˜ŒπŸ€—β€οΈ

New Years Day parkrun at Kirra πŸƒβ€β™€οΈβ˜€οΈπŸ’¦
137th of 375 (congratulations on smashing your attendance record well out of the park, guys!), first time on course, 29:02 πŸ‘Ÿ
8:30am start made this really hard, but I still enjoyed walking probably at least equal distance before it started happily taking photos πŸ“±and had my first proper swim in the ocean in probably about a year afterwards which was entirely pristine πŸŠβ€β™€οΈ plus the setup there is totally ideal - beach showers the whole way πŸšΏβ›±πŸŒŠπŸ˜…

Last parkrun of 2017 at Southbank πŸƒβ€β™€οΈβ˜€οΈ
183rd of 468, 28:33 (SB PB) πŸ‘Ÿ

Christmas Day parkrun πŸŽ„πŸŽπŸƒβ€β™€οΈ326th of 770, 29:37 (SB PB). Stinkin' β˜€οΈyes, I ran the whole thing in the hat and took those first two pics myself mid-run

You'll miss so much if you resolutely insist that you know just how things ought to go... New Years midnight fireworks #2 (QLD)

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