There’s an ancient sadness in my heart.
I feel it right now.
It feels like a star bound inside a box and pounding to get out.
I know I always say on the other side of these feelings is ecstasy.
I often share and write from these expanded states.
Tonight, I want to write through the contraction.
Where I wonder at the purpose of my life.
When despair digs into my heart.
It seems everyone I know is suffering in some way.
How could this not be, when we live so disconnected from nature.
Bound by the false god of money.
We must not forget we are made of earthen sky.
We are not made of computer screens.
Everything about modern civilization baffles me.
I know I’m here to do something I can’t fully see.
The space before the bloom.
When the flower even wonders if it has anything to offer.
It’s been growing so long.
The sacred, mystical, memory of ancient primordial love.
This essence is what I live for.
This contraction in my chest is so sad.
So sad that humanity has forgotten the simplicity of life.
And so I sob.
For hours I cry and let these waves of emotion move through my body.
It’s still a form of love making.
The full embrace of the present.
Alluding to another time and place where we worshiped the real.
That time and place became now.
I melted into this ache and let it consume me.
And it became pleasure.
The ecstasy of these sobs
Embracing my being in wholeness.
Not trying to “get” somewhere else.
But being with that exquisite sadness.
Last night I dreamt
About men doing bad things
I asked for dreams clear with purpose
I don’t know what to make of it.
This world swims in a filth that I don’t know how to wash away.
They say darkness intensifies before the light.
Can I trust myself?
For having become human
Can I forgive myself?
Why I came
For I know
Deep as blood river flows
That I will one day grow
Into the destiny that calls
In the meantime, I will keep listening.
To the singing dawn.
And melting into the mystery.