Trigger warning (alcohol relapse):
So last night I major "fucked up". The urge hit me at work. We had severe storms roll thru (a tornado touched down) which triggered my panic about my kids and family. I hit my boy nick and hit the town after the storm passed. I could feel the urge thrumming thru me like toxin. Pushing and pulling till we pulled into the bar driveway. Yes u read right. A bar. Not been to one of those in years. And of course we sit right at the bar front and the tender goes "we have a special tonight on jack Daniels" BOOM that was all it took. (FYI all whiskey and bourbon is my poison. My drug of choice). I ordered a jack and coke and he poured it heavy for me seeing my reaction when he mentioned it. That first drink. Fuck!!!!!!!! Like liquid morphine to my body I fell so fucking hard I moaned at the bar legit (I missed u old friend)!! Then came the "skittles bomb" shots. Then another shot I have no idea what it was. Then another jack and coke. Then another. Then to top it off a final skittles shot!! 6 DRINKS! In maybe an hour to an hour and a half. No pacing. Just pure chugging. I was numb and warm and couldn't see straight. I was laughing and my "old friend" was whispering to me "I got ur back. Ur ok. Keep going". Then we left and went to Denny's. And the sickness hit (throwing up in a bathroom at a restaurant is not fun). So an hour and a half later I got home (being in a car motion sick is not fun). And now here I am. After sleeping all day. Feeling relatively ok not much of a hang over but thank the gods for water lol!!!!!!! This is what relapse does to me. I start off small and then I go wild. Not able to stop it. Control it. Nothing.
Addiction is not pretty. Relapse is less pretty. And recovery is hell. I know I'm in for the detox. The pain. The urges. The mood swings. But I can't let it do this to me again. I can't go back down the road of alcohol and getting so wasted I see triple of everything. Having trouble breathing. Not able to think so I cry Bc I feel out of control (Bc I am). Relapse is part of recovery. I accept this. The last few days have been trying for me. And this time I lost this battle. Cont below•••••