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cinewipe cinewipe

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CineWipe | Chris Edwards  Satirical review site. Somehow writes for @vuecinemas, @LWLies, @ShortList and more. Twitter: @CineWipe


CineWipe lists everything that's horribly wrong with Star Wars: The Last Jedi. "Many people think Star Wars: The Last Jedi is an excellent film. On the Twitter the other day, one person told me that it is better than The Empire Strikes Back and that I should go and fuck myself. Someone else said they enjoyed it so much that they are going to get its opening crawl tattooed on their wife’s back, so they can read it while engaging in sodomy. Even the national press love it, writing things like ‘it’s impossible not to be swept away’ and ‘it’s so good it makes me want to eat my fucking hands’. Here’s why they’re all wrong." Follow link in bio for full article.
#starwars #thelastjedi #lukeskywalker #markhamill #rey #daisyridley #kyloren #adamdriver #theforce #lightsaber #film

#TheLastJedi doesn't really improve on second viewing. Some baffling decisions made, one of which is prequel bad. It's one of my least favourite Star Wars films, after the prequels and Lost in Space.

#starwars #rey #kyloren #daisyridley #adamdriver

CineWipe's review of #StarWars #TheLastJedi contains absolutely no spoilers. It barely even talks about the film. "I haven’t stopped shaking since I saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi. It’s minus one outside and the central heating’s fucked. The film, however, hasn’t yet had the same impact on me. Perhaps in a couple of days my delayed joy, which must currently be gurgling in my intestines somewhere, will eventually burst out of me in bile form and permanently scald a child’s face. Hopefully." Follow link in bio for full review.
#diasyridley #markhamill #adamdriver #johnboyega #carriefisher #lightsaber #rey #kyloren #lukeskywalker #film

Your Monday evening is rubbish. #StarWars #TheLastJedi

Why Jingle All The Way is definitely the best Christmas film ever. By FilmCunt. "Are you sick of dickheads arguing about whether Die Hard is a Christmas film? It doesn’t matter either way, because even if it is, it will never be the best. Any idiot knows that Jingle All The Way is the best Christmas film ever made – and that there’s no film that could ever knock it off the top spot. Which is ironic really, because the film – about Arnie trying to find a Turbo Man doll for his awful child on Christmas Day – is objectively shite.

Regardless, here’s why it’s the greatest Christmas film of all time." Follow link in bio for full article.
#jinglealltheway #christmas #arnoldschwarzenegger #arnie #turboman #presents

Wrote about the new Star Wars toys being shit. It's probably my most important article ever. "When I was five-years-old I successfully piloted the Millennium Falcon into the heart of the second Death Star, blew up its core reactor and escaped just in time to avoid becoming space dust. If I were to try that now with the latest model of the Corellian freighter, I probably wouldn’t fit through the Death Star’s narrow tunnels and vents, because I’d have a whacking great Nerf cannon sticking out the top of my ship that would catch on something and cause Lando and Nien Nunb to crash and die. I am, of course, talking about Star Wars toys.

The new Millennium Falcon, which ominously includes the words ‘Battle Action’ in its name, is nowhere near as good as the original, a perfectly detailed, pure joy-inducing piece of plastic that was basically on a par with an actual spaceship. All the guns and pulley-out-bits were in the exact right place, the colour scheme was bang on and the interior was spacious enough to hold a debauched Ewok party. This new one looks like a hospital tray and there isn’t even enough room for my Han and Chewie figures to sit down and eat space biscuits." Visit ageofdad.com for the full article.
#starwars #toys #thelastjedi #theforceawakens #millenniumfalcon #porgs #actionfigures

No one can prove I bounced around like a child after snorting sherbet when this arrived this morning. #TheLastJedi #StarWars #Disney #film #rey #daisyridley #kyloren #adamdriver #lukeskywalker #markhamill

CineWipe reviews The Disaster Artist.
The Disaster Artist is a film about the making of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, the worst film of all time. It features an Oscar-worthy performance from James Franco, who is caked in prosthetics to make him look exactly like Kevin James. From the moment a fat-suit-wearing Franco scoots across the screen on a Segway, it is clear that he has captured an uncanny likeness. And while it results in moments of sheer hilarity, it ultimately leaves one feeling tremendously sympathetic for Kevin James...
Follow link in bio for full review.
#thedisasterartist #theroom #cultfilm #comedy #jamesfranco #davefranco #alisonbrie #sethrogen

If James Franco doesn't get an Oscar for his performance in The Disaster Artist, I'll get mildly annoyed about it on Twitter. #jamesfranco #davefranco #thedisasterartist #theroom #picturehouse #picturehousecentral

The dog isn't too bothered about the whole Star Wars: Battlefront II microtransactions thing. He's more concerned about the 4-hour download time.
#starwars #starwarsbattlefront2 #battlefront #battlefront2 #games #game #gaming #ps4 #dog #dogs

CineWipe has a @darkbunnytees 10% discount code for you: dbtcw

Head over to their site and stick it in, you little minx.
#tshirts #shirts #clothes #clothing #jumpers #sweatshirts #sweater #fashion #film #movies #tv #shows #geek #starwars #strangerthings #diehard #christmas #discount #offer #design #apparel #custom

CineWipe reviews Justice League, a film about coming together. "In times like these, it’s important that we all come together. Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un’s ongoing, nuclear-fuelled feud would most definitely be resolved if they came together in a private room, and all of the world’s wars would instantly end if its militaries had an agreed-upon territory in which they could come.

That is the message of Zack Snyder’s new DC film Justice League, which features a coming together so monumental it’s practically blinding. The world faces being invaded by Elijah Wood-sized moths and their demonic gimp lord Step-In-Time (Dick Van Dyke), who has the power to make three magic boxes explode at once. To stop him, Batman and Wonder Woman, who have already come together, must entice Usain Bolt, a Christmas tree and a fish man to also come with them.

Yet, ironically, not much of Justice League comes together. Everything just sort of comes on its own, with no real synergy or flow. We awkwardly jump from one location to another, never establishing a rhythm or connection between the sexy, costumed people. The subsequent result, much like Snyder’s romantic comedy Batman v Superman, is an embarrassing, clunky and smelly affair that left me never wanting to come again." Follow link in bio for full review.
#justiceleague #batman #benaffleck #superman #henrycavill #wonderwoman #galgadot #dc #comics #comicbook #film #movie

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