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CineWipe | Chris Edwards  Satirical review site. Somehow writes for @vuecinemas, @LWLies, @ShortList and more. Twitter: @CineWipe

http://www.cinewipe.com/

CineWipe reviews Kingsman: The Golden Circle. "It is widely agreed that Kingsman: The Secret Service is an excellent film. Its plot, in which a young victim of David Cameron’s Big Society is transformed from a food bank-robbing yob into a secret agent, at first seemed far-fetched and cartoonish, but when word got around that it was actually adapted from a comic book series, like your Marvels and your Beanos, audiences soon lowered their standards to the required level to believe that it was, in fact, twenty-seven percent better than Spy Kids." Link in bio for full review.
#kingsman #kingsmanthegoldencircle #taronegerton #colinfirth #markstrong #channingtatum #halleberry #jeffbridges #juliannemoore #pedropascal #spy

CineWipe is working with the sickeningly talented @_doaly to make your walls look better. FOLLOW and RT this post on CineWipe's Twitter for a chance to win this selection of mini-prints.
#film #posters #giveaway #graphicdesign #design #art #artwork #illustration #guardiansofthegalaxy #starwars #batman #ghostintheshell #drawing #artist #adobe #photoshop #digital #digitaldesign #digitalart

CineWipe reviews mother! – a hellish nightmare comparable to large family gatherings. "In Black Swan Darren Aronofsky tackled the complex matter of lesbian bird coitus, freaking out audiences with graphic scenes involving uncomfortable neck craning and lockbeak. But his latest film mother! is much darker and addresses a far more disturbing aspect of life – social gatherings.

Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem play a married couple who live in a massive house in the middle of nowhere. Probably Cheshire. After a colossal fire caused by someone farting on the stove, Lawrence sets out to rebuild the mansion while Bardem – a famous poet stricken with writer’s block – pretends to not be wanking in the study. Blissfully isolated, the two of them live a life of tranquillity until, like some sort of nightmare, people start showing up at the house and engaging them in conversation.

It’s a terrifying, Kafkaesque situation that reminds me of the various times I’ve been forced to speak to people I don’t like. A scene in which the house becomes absolutely teeming with unwanted visitors is reminiscent of a birthday event I once attended, where I was made to play fucking cricket.

As more uninvited guests pile in, brining with them obscenely large lasagnes and children with weak bladders, the hellish nature of it all becomes almost too much to bear. The floorboards start bleeding and a human heart clogs up the toilet. It’s just like Christmas at the in-law’s. Worst of all, there seems to be no escape for Lawrence, who brilliantly portrays a woman slowly descending into shit-smearing madness as everyone around her acts increasingly demented.

These home invaders are actually crazed fans of Bardem and his poetry. They treat him like some sort of god, like my dog treats me when I casually toss him Mini Cheddars." Full review at CineWipe.com

#mother #jenniferlawrence #javierbardem #darrenaronofsky #horror #review #film

CineWipe reviews It – a terrifying film for gerbils masquerading as grown adults. "My biggest fear is shitting myself in public. It’s not irrational. I have stomach problems. Earlier today I was in serious danger of soiling myself on the train, but luckily it gurgled into nothing more than a slightly wet fart, which I unintentionally propelled into a child’s face. Applying the premise of It – a demonic clown reincarnation of Jimmy Saville who terrifies his prey by transforming into their biggest fear – to myself, I would presumably be chased by a giant pair of underwear, dripping with shameful effluent. That would scare me shitless.

Without a hovering mass of faecal incontinence, however, this new adaptation of Stephen King’s 1986 horror novel had very little effect on me. “These kids deserve to be brutally slaughtered,” I thought to myself as they allowed themselves to be separated in a tetanus nightmare house, having only just agreed that they should stick together at all costs. Frustrated and far from scared, I was excitedly anticipating their mutilation, like I was waiting for an Amazon package to arrive.

That’s what happens in horror films, isn’t it? The characters somehow always end up wandering down corridors on their own, a cat makes them jump, and then the real scare comes in the form of a makeup-wearing paedophile with fangs. And that’s exactly why It is not scary: it’s full of the same old horror tropes that only seem to work on gerbils masquerading as grown adults. And pussies.

It is clearly better-made than the 1990 mini-series, in the sense that the overall experience won’t make you dyspraxic, but the image of Tim Curry’s clown luring children into his sewage drain will probably last longer than anything that happens in this new adaptation, primarily because he looks like Tim Curry. Playing the demonic circus freak now is Bill Skarsgård, who, despite having a suitably creepy face, is often encrusted with special effects that make his entire head open up to reveal a set of meat-grinding teeth, like a woefully maintained minge. It’s not as scary when it’s computer-generated." Full review at cinewipe.com
#It #StephenKing #Horror #Clowns #red

Watched mother! the other night and was given one of these prayer cards with some sort of mathematical equation on the front. Maths! Clearly the devil's work. #mother #jenniferlawrence #javierbardem #darrenaronofsky #horror #film

I've had sessions on the toilet that were scarier than #It.

They're giving away these #starwarsthelastjedi #posters at #disney. I took 47. #starwars

Made a cake because I wanted a cake. #cake

Cersei makes my legs tingle. Although that might be because I've been sitting on them for 45 minutes. #gameofthrones #cersei #lenaheadey

The whole point of adapting a foreign film is to bring it to a new audience. For Death Note, that audience is a field of cauliflowers. #deathnote #anime #manga #japanese #adaptation #demon #dark #film

#LoganLucky #premiere the other night. #AdamDriver, #ChanningTatum, #ReidCarolin and #SteveSoderbergh made an absolute mess of getting in height order.

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