I never do this, but I felt like sharing... read and give me your thoughts. 💛
It’s taken me a year to realize what I’ve been learning. I’m trying to not be dramatic and only share the truth, no embellishments, but for what seems like my whole life I’ve had a relationship with Jesus because of someone else. And before any Christian scoffs you should think about your own relationship. I’m not saying I didn’t feel anything or that I didn’t know that Jesus loved me, but for some of your life you do what your told and you don’t ask questions. The thing with religion is that mentality continues throughout your life. Religion tells you not to ask questions, to obey the guidelines set out for you and everything will be alright. The problem is everything hasn’t been alright for me. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve “backslid”, I’ve gotten disinterested, and when those things happened, relationships got hurt, the relationships I relied on to keep me saved. When that happened my relationship with Jesus was hurt. When you spend your life being saved because you know you’re “supposed” to then you lack depth in your love for Jesus. Last year I was hurt and feeling used and I had reached a breaking point. Church and Jesus had become synonymous and I wasn’t ready to face that problem. So much of my relationship with Jesus had become about checking boxes and doing as I’m told, and when I was left to fend for myself I let all of those things fall away. Over this year I’ve realized that I want to be close to God, not because of anybody else other than my true desire. The problem is I’m in this mood where I almost want to rebel against every way I’ve been told to show God I love him. It feels disingenuous to me and I’ve been looking for my own way. I’m finding out its taking the principals, reading your bible, praying, worshiping, loving one another, but doing it because you want to. I had to start small and not get ahead of myself, just being led by Jesus and knowing it’s ok to take my time. I’m still working on it, but the most important part is knowing that this time the foundation I’m laying is built on Jesus and nobody else. It feels right.