camera_duels camera_duels

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Cole Sprouse  This instagram is dedicated to the people out there who secretly take photos of me, and how I take photos of them first. May the fastest camera win.

What whispers one hears when paranoid. Where even a silent ~sprouse~ under one’s breath can become bullhorn. Look, HARK, the triumvirate of “let-me-see-your-managers” delegating their matriarch. Who is brash enough to sneak a photo? Ahhh yes, ‘twas the paisley Prius driver on the left. Your colleagues turned their faces in shame, but you? No. Not you. You went boldly where so many of your kind have gone before- right to the person of authority. But this time there is no discount on a pair of shape-ups for you my dear, just internet notoriety.

An advanced technique betrayed by an amateur mistake. There are times when you feel like the antagonist and times when you feel like a character in the background. And while I’m sure I could sit here and write to you of the bubbling fury I felt deep in my man womb, how much easier it is to simply liken my emotional state to the woman behind our fair human heatlamp: the fog of war stare, arms folded in resignation. I’m actually impressed with the phone call technique, nothing new to me -a cynical master of the paranoid arts, but nonetheless advanced. A shame the tact was shattered by an automatic flash feature, burning deep into my soulless eyes the image of a fallen man on the precipice of the void we call ~social media currency~ #ad #cameraduels

Couple shoutouts real quick hold up: (1) Shoutout to TSA precheck not approving me yet. (2) Shoutout to this Italian mamma mia who scared off her helpless children with secondhand embarrassment for the sake of social media points. She too is a fan of jack e codjee it seems, must have missed her quivering youths calling out "Jaghed" in the old "cock-n-balls-screening" machine. It's all audiences now folks. Nonetheless, she's about to get me on that no fly list in the Newark airport, which, is a crying shame cause Newark has always been the basement stepchild of the far superior JFK international. Eyes and ears people, #cameraduels can strike anytime and anywhere, even in high security lanes.

My father once told me that the key to great driving was ensuring the safety of myself and my passengers. Now, behold the fatherless fanatics: car in motion, eyes and hands off the wheel and road. There are times when I am truly in awe of the bravery of human sacrifice. A soldier risks all to save a fallen comrade. A group of righteous protestors fight oppression within a fascist regime. An old woman with dementia walks across a 4 way intersection to the local grocery. THIS, is not one of those times. In fact, a picture of ~a sprouse~ driving a car is so low down the life and limb foodchain, I am almost honored by the attempt. But I digress. You may be asking yourself, "Cole, aren't you taking a picture while driving too?" Yes, yes I certainly am. And typing this caption too. And while I was stopped when I took this, even if I was in motion I had already resigned my existence to another plane. If they play for keeps, so do I.
The screaming and giggling that echoed from their car was a grim prologue to an ~auto~biography I should be writing: "I killed two people who probably shouldn't breed anyway," (working title), or at least the opening sequence to "red asphalt 2." Now if they did, indeed, collide with Darwin (because of me) I would have felt a tad guilty, I admit. But to be fair Oprah made us take a pledge for this exact reason, and so I think she should probably feel more ashamed. I hope Satan likes the photo.

Hark ~ across the expanse ~ do you see them?, three villains trying to skulk on dried leaves. Caught, the comrade to the right hastens out of frame in immediate retreat, ironic that he doesn't wish to be photographed. The two more base members of the country bear jamboree decide to hold ground, giggling to themselves as she readied her camera. Wormtongue, saying nothing to his friend whilst the act was being carried out, only awakens from the mists to point out the obvious: that I had already won. The two save face and begin their exit, chased shortly thereafter by the friend whose anonymity was not granted.

I should have guessed by the denim bedazzled devil's lettuce ball cap that the wearer wouldn't have the subtlety to pull off a proper camera duel. There, do you see her my fair audience? In the distance, past KJ's moai profile, the girl with the avocado phone case and pestle knuckles, giggling and wiggling like a toddler in a wicker chair and smelling like one of Marley's dreads. "How do you know she was taking a picture of you cole?" "Maybe she was taking a picture of KJ." Hmm, good point, but have you ever considered: eat my ass??? I know for a fact that I'm huge with the aging 420 audience.

A blinding flash. Quick blur. Momentary desperation. Primal cooing. Inevitable defeat. Temporary victory.
Ahh yes, I know this ritual well. Is it wartime atrocity? Nay, tis a #cameraduel.
The subway is a photographic operating theater, and I am the cold body upon the table. So many shots lay unused within my library, that I intentionally avoid posting many of them. This one, this one however. This one is different.
The holiday spirit is in full form. There, behind sad dad and the ghost of Christmas past, a duel was stewing. A young woman pulled the number1 #rookiemistake: flash.
So excited was I, that I blurred the shot. Yes fair people, even pros are prone. Fear not, the bright light of shame shines through, and the flash is still visible. Unfortunately, the only real illumination was upon her characteristic frown of embarrassed defeat. #HeKnowsWhenYouveBeenBadOrGood #ColeInYourStocking

Don't tap on the glass, it scares the fuckbois.
Here I was, walkin with a slight limp, when I suddenly notice the glass next to me fogging up. Lo and behold, a camera duel was underway. You see,a camera duel is kind of like a spider sense, except it's located in the sphincter. I turned quickly, and in just enough time to also get my own reflection. Now, I'm not a fan of selfies, personally, but I suppose a good selfie always involves making other people feel insecure. So this selfie hit all the right criteria.
He thought by framing his iPhone with his delicate index fingers, he could steady his shakey hands. Wrong. My shot however, like a true pro: soft and steady, accompanied with a venomous smile.
#FriendlyCompetition #cameraduels #quakingbowels

Eating in public is dangerous when my brother and I are together, mostly because duels are a constant occurrence. Have you ever had a photo taken of you while you were #UvulaDeep in a shake shack burger? No? Well it's #Lovecraftian, and it's something you inherently want to keep out of the private albums of kids with wayyyy too much liberty on #WorldWideWeb.
This was the setting of our present duel. Female Zack and Cody here were trying to pull the ol' "casual selfie" technique, one that frames their target in the background of an otherwise Michelin portrait of one's many chins. I'll admit I always feel a bit guilt ridden when dueling children--it's a tad dubious to take the life of a child for social currency. #ItWillEventuallyBecomeNormalThough. They shot, I shot first. And while her back is turned, I'm sure the mother's maternal instincts had alerted her to her childrens' demise. #cameraduels #LittleDutchChildren #TheHaircutTranscendsGenerationGaps #pattyportraiture

I shot first. She looked at me and whimpered, "a-am I gunna end up on your instagram?" I let out a reassuring smile, "not anymore" I said calmingly as I looked the poor girl in the eyes and lied to her soul. Her friends joined me in Recognizing her guilt, they laughed, I laughed, WE laughed. It was a good time, you had to be there. Apparently graduation is not even enough to warrant acting like an adult, but who am I to talk?, I wore depends under my gown. Now that I've graduated people have been asking me "Cole, will you post more now?" To which I always say, "how did you get in my house?" #NYU #Graduation #cameraduels #pleasego

A nice afternoon as the only people sledding over 10yo, when, like an unholy din, a red menace washed over the pale white snow, camera in hand. I was a bull driven mad by rouge, and I knew...duel was on. Poor humble Douglas was caught in the crossfire, but friends die all the time in the game of war. It was only after the duel had ended, and the bodies of hundreds of Central Park children lay all around us that I noticed the man wore a #NationalGeographic emblem on his coat. He was a professional.
Used to shooting #wildbeasts, my mannerisms must have been familiar to him. And the look of determination in his eye was characteristic of a man who had seen both fear and wonder. We talked after the fight, as duelist's often do, and both held a mutual respect. He was @kikeo, check out his side of the story. #PoorDouglas #PhotoShootoff #Protographer #DuelingInTheBigLeagues #DaddyNeedsANewPairOfShoes
#NatiColeGeographic

Wow, look at the face she's making. The human mouth should only open that wide for two reasons: (1) screaming 'fire,' and (2) wailing during moments of overwhelming humanity. Apparently I warranted that primal facial contortion.
YES I, it is I in that photo. I like to give opposing perspective to the #cameraduels, mainly because it's fun to see myself shoot victorious, but also because some of you...incurable skeptics...don't believe the duels actually happen. They say "Cole youre paranoid!" And they're right, I am, but clearly for a reason. This shot actually shows the victims POV from the last duel I posted. If you zoom in close to my face, you can actually see the twisted grin. Zoom even closer and I'm sure you could see Satan in the reflection of my goggles. Oh wait, nevermind... that's not Lucifer, that's just the girl screaming. #MortalQuestions #ScreamingSelfie #Opposhot

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