I always wanted to see the world.. I just did not know how and if it was even possible in the life that was 'expected' of me. Expected not just by family or society but in many way expectations I had put on myself.
I knew I always wanted to see the world but I did not know how. How do I make the time with my busy work schedule? how does seeing the world affect the relationships I am cultivating? What if I miss out on something great because I am out seeing the world? I also didn't want to see the world all on my own.... I always imagined I would do it with a partner, so I waited.
Even after I started traveling solo I kept it safe.. I didn't go to certain places because I thought .... 'oh this place would be perfect for me and my partner' oh this is a honeymoon location and not somewhere you go solo. Oh perfect location for a family vacation .. Life has a way of kicking you straight in the gut if you ignore all the subtle nudges like I was doing. Losing my cousin earlier this year shook my entire being and changed the definition of what I thought was important.
Don't get me wrong I had my trip already scheduled, and I started 2017 with goals I was actively working towards but all along I kept doubting myself. I kept looking for all the reasons it as a bad idea. I kept waiting for the magic moment that would make it ok. It's like subconsciously I needed permission from something or someone to truly be me and live the life I wanted.
I don't have answers to any of the questions that keep me up at night and I don't expect them to come to me in the next 2 weeks. What I do know is the what ifs were just excuses to stay in my comfort zone. The what ifs were all the reasons I gave myself because I was scared. The what ifs were the stories I told myself because the alternative was not something I wanted to challenge myself with, and that has been my biggest mistake.
I have no idea how long I have left on this earth but I do know tomorrow is not guaranteed. So instead of waiting for everything to fall in place, instead of putting my life on hold, instead of all the what ifs I am finally giving myself permission to live the life I truly want.