bekahoulsby bekahoulsby

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Bekah Houlsby ♑️  21, Portsmouth I write songs instead of talking about my feelings

Just a reminder from me to me that I am making progress, even if it is slow, and the hard work is paying off. I never took ‘before’ photos when I started going to the gym because I hated my body so much, so this is as close as I can get to a ‘transformation’ pic, and admittedly angles and timing can help, but regardless, change is happening and I’m slowly becoming a more confident and happy me 😊😊

Thank you so so much to everyone who’s helped make my 21st the best birthday yet. I had an amazing weekend with my friends and family, and have been absolutely spoiled. Big thank you to @jordanozzyx as well for helping me plan my night out on Saturday and making it absolutely hilarious and one to remember always 💖

The best birthday ever ft the Thailand 4 💖

Oh no she’s on the wine

My hair’s finally gotten long enough that I actually like it curly!! Praise the hair gods 👩🏻💇🏻‍♀️

Before Sam started feeding me fireball an sambuca shots

Saturday night shambles for Jordan’s birthday 🍷

1920’s Murder Mystery Night on Saturday 🥂🔪

Could it be? I’ve found nice photos of me and Ian? Normally it’s just snapchat videos of us drunk singing c’est la vie 🤦🏻‍♀️ (reminder that we are not a couple and just best friends lmao)

🦊💃🏻

Had to keep my mouth so close to the pumpkin just in case it was the only vegan food option

For almost as long as I can remember I’ve hated living in my own skin. I’ve always struggled with body image, and the way I viewed myself. Even as a little girl, I’d say a wish at night that I’d wake up in the morning in one of my friend’s bodies rather than my own because I disliked myself so much. I spent years and years feeling sad, and lonely, and suicidal without mentioning it to anyone. At 13 I started self harming, at 14 I started sticking my fingers down my throat after meals, and at 15 I started having panic attacks. At 16, I finally faced my fear and referred myself into a counselling programme, where I was diagnosed with anxiety. Although I didn’t find CBT helpful for me, I suddenly didn’t feel like it was my fault when I was incapable of speaking to new people, or like I was failing when I had to cancel plans because I couldn’t face leaving my house. At 18, I went to University, and my mental health took a drastic turn downhill. I went from throwing up after most meals, and having a bad snacking habit, to having huge binges and throwing up after every meal. I was spending so much money on food every week, because I felt so sad and alone every second of the day, and the only comfort I could find was within food. At 19, I reached out to my student support officer and was referred into therapy for a second time. This time I was diagnosed with an eating disorder - bulimia. I’d refused to allow myself to even consider I had an eating disorder before this because my mind was telling me “you can’t have an E.D! You’re too fat to have that!” But it turned out my E.D was causing my weight gain. I’ve never had the confidence to speak about my bulimia like this before, because I’ve been so embarrassed. This is what mental health disorders do to you, they convince you it’s embarrassing to have suffered and it’s not ok to talk about, but they are wrong - it is ok. I’m still recovering, and I’m not entirely comfortable in my own skin yet, but I’m getting there, and I’m a lot healthier and happier now than I was this time 2 years ago. Posting these photos terrifies me, but seeing slow, healthy changes in myself so wonderful. #worldmentalhealthday2018

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