Good news guys! Wednesday's weigh in went well, I gained 0.6kg and that was enough to stay out of hospital! I'm so relieved 😌
My therapist did say that I'm still very much on the borderline though and we'll have to take things week by week so we'll have to see how the next few weeks go I guess. Fingers crossed they go well, I really want to stay out of hospital! To be truthful, I am struggling more than ever mentally. The weight gain this week did not come easily to me at all. I feel disgusting and so guilty and greedy because it was only down to myself that I gained that weight. A huge part of me wants to get down to X bmi and be even 'sicker' than last time. It's so hard to try and shut out and not act on the constant thoughts.
Behaviors are getting in the way so much now as well. I've gotten use to picking at and leaving certain amounts of the foods I'm always having now. Whenever my eating routine is changed it causes me so much stress and anxiety, going to my mum's this weekend is petrifying me rather than me being able to look forward to seeing my family that I really miss and enjoy the plans we've made. Instead I'm worrying about what I'll have to eat, where I'll have to eat, how much I'll have to eat, if any triggering comments will be made, if my food choices will be challenged ect
Anorexia really is dominating my life at the moment and I can see how being at a lower weight makes it almost impossible to combat the constant droning on of it's complaints, obsessions, worries and criticisms. It's making it hard to focus on the things in life that actually matter to me 😔