[PR] Gain and Get More Likes and Followers on Instagram.

beccabitesback_ beccabitesback_

191 posts   8928 followers   202 followings

  inpatient for ten months, now finally out patient 🌸 Restrictive anorexia recovery 🌸 slowly and gradually getting myself back on track πŸ’ͺ

So weigh in went the wrong way again and they're starting to get concerned. TW
I'm not going to lie, I am struggling at the moment. I find that as I loose weight I also loose a little bit of hope, self esteem, motivation. I feel like I'm not always in control of my choices, thoughts and actions anymore. Like I have less power.
I'm feeling more and more confused about my body. Most of the time I feel chubby, curvy and I'm confused about the weight loss as I really can't see it. Sometimes I notice that I'm looking smaller. Like yesterday when I went for an ecg and saw my bare upper body in the doctors mirror I was shocked. It's like I saw a completely different girl. A very sick girl. It all leaves me so confused and lost.
I'm working hard now on therapeutic activities, which is tough because I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand and protect myself from anxiety provoking things like this. I've always been taught distraction techniques in hospital and now it's like I need the opposite, I need to really push myself to engage in therapy and get to the roots of my struggles and problems. It's damn hard though.
I've made a good start. I need to. I can't go back into hospital, not after I've tried so hard to build my confidence in myself and my self esteem.

Happy Fathers Day to the best dad I could ever wish for! He's such an amazing and supportive friend who I can always count on to have my back and guide me towards the right path.
Thank you so much for all that you've done dad!
Today has been lovely! We went to this garden event and relaxed in the sun β˜€οΈ I'm still plodding on but struggling a little. I need to get y head back into gear because weigh in didn't go well last week at all. I'm noticing that my thinking is getting a little cloudier and concentration isn't 100% and I really need it to get back to where it was because I'm planning to start applying for jobs soon which is very scary but exciting too! Ideally, I'd love to work in a little cafe, but any retail or restaurant work will suit me for now. Can't have a foggy head and slow reactions when working with customers πŸ™Š

This may not seem like a 'scary' meal or a recovery win but I'm so so proud of myself for being able to have this. I ate it alone, surrounded by negative, nasty, malicious thoughts that crept into my head before, during and after eating this. The numbers may not have been scary but the fact that I ate this alone when I could have taken the easy road is a win in itself. Anorexia's demanding voice is louder than ever recently. It's so difficult to overpower it every single time. Sometimes I catch it sneaking in at the pettiest of times, like when I'm walking on the pavement and feel the need to avoid wider paving and go out of my way to stand on thin/lanky looking bits. Or feeling a huge urge to get off the bus too early and walk the rest of the way. Or stare at food packaging in holland and barretts or boots and before I know it, the whole afternoons gone.
Hope all of you lovelies are well πŸ’•

TW (numbers and clothes sizes mentioned)
Text I sent Mum and Dad 9/5/17~
Hey,thought I'd just let you in on a little recovery win. Yesterday, I ordered some skinny jeans πŸ‘– from next and I actually feel okay in them!
I've not worn jeans since the beginning of my hospital admission, a year and a half ago. Jeans usually make me compare myself to how I use to be back then. Back when size six skinnies hung off me. The denim dug into my bones and left painful marks. I couldn't bend or sit down without my coccyx bone rubbing on the material. Yet I'd still wear my jeans because they're what I felt thinnest in. My discomfort in these jeans reminded me that I must be 'thin', each time bones rubbed against the denim was a little reminder that I was skinny and at the time, I thrived off that.
But now, I'm so glad it's all different. I can be comfortable in my jeans. I'm trying my best to see the way I look in these new ones more positively.
It's such a relief to be able to wear them without having to stuff a fluffy sock or a padded dressing to myself. Toilet trips are definitely a lot less hassle πŸ™ˆ xx

This is recovery. The smiling faces in this picture are genuine, not forced, in the middle of a lovely, fun day out on a family walk.
There's no comparison between this and this time last year. In hospital, family worried to death. Becca was non existent, I was just a shell. Unable to enjoy my family's company and love because I was so preoccupied with anorexia's constant, destructive thoughts.
But that's all in the past now, I can look forward to so many more precious moments.
I'm still struggling, it's so difficult to blank out the spur of the moment thoughts and to scream back louder. But thankfully, these thoughts are clogging up less of my mind now and that leaves room for family, friends and much much more.
My volunteering at Oxfam is going so well! I'm now able to go on the till, which is very scary and has led to many awkward, flappy moments, but it's helping my confidence loads!
The future is looking brighter, the thought of actual paid work is becoming an option for me now, when just a couple of months ago I thought I wasn't worthy of pay. I feel like I'm really part of the team and I get a lot done for them and I almost always leave proud of myself.
Hoping everyone is okay and fighting strong. You are all such amazing, worthy fighters and I love you all so much πŸ’•

I made a pasta dish for my family, it's kale, mushroom and lemon zest! It was lovely and I actually enjoyed cooking it! It's the first time I've had penne pasta since I was discharged in October. I'll admit, it is a 'good for you' recipe and I knew the cals, fat blah blah blah...
but I'm proud that I managed to cook with real oil, give myself an adequate portion (under mum's watchful eyes) and kinda enjoy eating it, regardless of the horrible thoughts attacking me. I've got therapy tomorrow, my first weigh in in a fortnight. I've had a few family members say that I look like I'm loosing weight and worried comments. It took a lot for me to post this picture because I think my face looks really chubby and I don't look 'ill'. I don't know why this is a scary thing. I don't want to look ill. I guess I'm just scared of people thinking I'm doing well because I look 'better', when really I'm still struggling a lot.
Hope you're all fab and happy pancake day! You all deserve to enjoy a nice pancake without a nasty argument going on in your head πŸ’•

I painted this plate today, can't wait till it's ready to pick up πŸ™Š
I'm just plodding along, going with the motions, recovery-wise. My therapist has given me a food diary to fill in and I really don't know if it's helping or not. Seeing all the food I've eaten on paper seems so much more daunting. I'm meant to record the time, place and who I'm with each time I eat and then comment on how I felt while eating it, or any relevant thoughts that came before or after. I don't always want to have to think about what I'm eating. I go into auto pilot when eating a lot of the time, or if I am struggling, I don't always want to write about it and drag out the feelings. I don't even know , I'm so confused
I don't know how therapy can help me tbh

Kicking some ana ass by having pasta tonight! It's a vegetable arrabita which was truly gorgeous πŸ‘Œ
I'll admit it was a 'healthy' packaged meal, but thats okay because I chose this over even safer meals because I wanted to challenge my fear of pasta and I knew I'd enjoy this. I've not had proper pasta since I was in hospital, it would have been about two months ago now. So this was a real win, I've not reached a point where I'm proud of myself yet though. I'm still feeling guilty for having and enjoying it πŸ˜”
Hope you're all having a lovely night πŸ’•

The legera pandana at Pizza express has to be my favorite meal at any restaurant! I had this tonight with my dad and step mum.
I've been struggling today with body image. It's strange because yesterday I thought I actually looked a bit smaller than usual but then today I feel a lot bigger, I'm wearing similar clothes to yesterday too! So I've been trying to avoid mirrors and not looking at reflections. I just feel horrible about my body today, particularly my legs. Well, I've finally got a therapy session next Tuesday so I'll see if my mind is right or not then as I'll be weighed

It's taken a lot to post this because my mind convinced me that I can't post this picture as I look bigger and chubby. So I'm posting this anyway just to rebel against my demons.
Sorry I haven't been posting recently, I've been struggling a little and find it difficult to actually take time and think about where I'm at at the moment, if that makes sense. At hospital I was always told to distract myself from the negative, obsessive thoughts and now my whole life just seems to be a distraction from my mind. I'm constantly keeping myself occupied with things that are suppose to calm me or stop me obsessing over food, exercise ect. But it's making it harder to actually stop and think about how I'm doing. I'm finding eating on my own very difficult and the times when I'm alone are always the times when my anxieties are at their worst so I tend to go out a lot. Therapy isn't going too well to be honest. I've only had two sessions since leaving hospital almost two months ago and it's not been helpful so far. I've gotten really confused and wound up by being weighed after eating, drinking and wearing clothes/jewelry. It's really messing with my head. But I've lost a bit. Not much though, don't worry.
Volunteering at Oxfam is going as well as I could have hoped for! The people there are lovely and I always leave feeling like I've really helped and it makes me feel more hopeful for the future.
I'm really going to try and post more, like meal and food posts too. I think it should help πŸ’•

Christmas was amazing!
We had a quite, relaxed christmas day. I did quite well, had a couple of chocolates from a selection box, had a christmas dinner and even relaxed for a little bit during meals πŸ™Š
Boxing day was more hectic, we had family over and I struggled. I had a turkey problem. Mum soaked butter into the turkey and the anxiety around that was strong and I ended up going back to a bad old habit. I also couldn't bring myself to have any stuffing, proper roast potatoes or christmas pudding. I did have a fun time though, it was so amazing to spend time with all my family, in a normal atmosphere and not talking about hospitals, eating ect. It just felt normal. Well, not when we were at the table because my portion was obviously different in comparison to the rest and I had a watermelon starter and a yogurt dessert and they all had different things.
Hope you all had a lovely Christmas! Now we can look forward to starting a fabulous new year

Sooo... I've left the hospital, hopefully forever! I was discharged on Monday and I've had a busy week that is making my future look brighter than I expected!
I've passed an interview, managing to say three skills I have (which is a big deal for me!) and so I'm starting a voluntary job at Oxfam in the new year. I've got a home team which looks to be pretty supportive and I've got an even better volunteering opportunity ahead of me in early 2017!! I'm meeting up with friends regularly and this christmas is going to be 1000 times better than last!
Eating wise, I'm not doing too well on my own but hopefully I'll be able to work on that. I'm gaining confidence that I didn't even know I have and I'm feeling more and more independent than I've ever been in my life. I love it! I've lost a little weight since discharge from inpatient, but it's nothing to worry about. I'm on a temporary maintenance so my head can catch up. Although I still have strong urges to restrict and loose weight still, this sense of hope is driving me forwards.
Hope all of you lovelies are well and excited for Christmas! πŸŽ„πŸŽ…πŸΌ

Most Popular Instagram Hashtags