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  inpatient for ten months, now finally out patient 🌸 Restrictive anorexia recovery 🌸 slowly and gradually getting myself back on track πŸ’ͺ

I've been referred to hospital. Got my assessment tomorrow. It's taken over a week for the news to settle in and I'm absolutely devastated and my thoughts are so mixed.
I feel like I either want to completely rebel and not accept treatment or go for it and give it my all. I can't just 'go with the flow' like I did last time, feeling like I'm in my own little bubble and half-arsing recovery, never fully doing it for myself.
I honestly don't think I'm in the right frame of mind at the moment to recover. I hate saying this and it feels so selfish and like I've given up. I don't feel ill enough to go back and I feel like I don't deserve a bed or treatment πŸ˜”

Retail therapy with my favorite lady!
Mum, my brother and my stepdad are on their sponsored walk in aid of BEAT right now!! They've walked 20 out of the 34 miles they're walking! Going strong, regardless of the blisters and aches! I'm so proud of them! I'm with Grandma and Grandad. Managing my meals okay today. It's lovely spending time alone with my grandparents and not speaking about eating disorder related things all the time. I get the chance to just feel like me and meal times are calmer and less anxiety provoking because they trust me more

Nandos was a success!! Anorexia didn't ruin my 21st Birthday meal! She did sneak in a little but it went so much better than I predicted ⭐️
I challenged myself to the supergrain salad with lemon and herb chicken breast. It's the first time I've plucked up the courage to order it and I usually go for the same option every time because of nutritional fears.
It was so tasty πŸ˜‹

Going to Wales to see Mum's side of the family for the weekend. It'll be full of birthday celebrations and will end on Monday with my Mum, brother and step dad doing a 36 mile sponsored walk to llandudno (from Flint) all in aid of BEAT!! I'll be posting pictures! I'm nervous for this weekend, going to Nandos tonight for my birthday meal(!!) but it's suppose to be a nice, fun weekend and I'm gonna try my hardest to stop anorexia from ruining it πŸ’•

It's my birthday! πŸŽ‰πŸŽˆ What better way to spend the day than a trip into Manchester for a bit of retail therapy?
I can't believe I'm 21 πŸ™ˆ
So I've got some big news. Unfortunately it's far from positive though. My psychologist has written a referral to the hospital I was at last year and she said she'll send it tomorrow if things don't go well in therapy/weigh in. I don't know if that means that she'll send it if I maintain or if I loose more, but I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with. I know I'm not taking this seriously enough. I feel like she's bluffing and she won't send the referral or I'll be able to convince her otherwise. I'm not ill enough for hospital anyway. I don't feel anything like as ill as I use to be. The scales readings at the moment are just confusing me! I can't see how I am the weight that I am. I literally look like five kilos larger πŸ˜•

Good news guys! Wednesday's weigh in went well, I gained 0.6kg and that was enough to stay out of hospital! I'm so relieved 😌
My therapist did say that I'm still very much on the borderline though and we'll have to take things week by week so we'll have to see how the next few weeks go I guess. Fingers crossed they go well, I really want to stay out of hospital! To be truthful, I am struggling more than ever mentally. The weight gain this week did not come easily to me at all. I feel disgusting and so guilty and greedy because it was only down to myself that I gained that weight. A huge part of me wants to get down to X bmi and be even 'sicker' than last time. It's so hard to try and shut out and not act on the constant thoughts.
Behaviors are getting in the way so much now as well. I've gotten use to picking at and leaving certain amounts of the foods I'm always having now. Whenever my eating routine is changed it causes me so much stress and anxiety, going to my mum's this weekend is petrifying me rather than me being able to look forward to seeing my family that I really miss and enjoy the plans we've made. Instead I'm worrying about what I'll have to eat, where I'll have to eat, how much I'll have to eat, if any triggering comments will be made, if my food choices will be challenged ect
Anorexia really is dominating my life at the moment and I can see how being at a lower weight makes it almost impossible to combat the constant droning on of it's complaints, obsessions, worries and criticisms. It's making it hard to focus on the things in life that actually matter to me πŸ˜”

Just to update you all, my therapy team have decided that If I don't gain weight on this Wednesday's weigh in, I'll be referred for inpatient treatment. So I started this week really positively, very motivated to make those gains and stay out of hospital.
As the days have gone on it's become more of a challenge. Even eating the same amount I've been having recently has caused mental carnage. Eating behaviors are really getting in the way, even with safe foods, and I can't seem to think about much else other than food, numbers and weight.
I still feel extremely confused and frustrated because I genuinely feel so so so much bigger than the scales say and I can't bear to even glimpse at my legs at the moment.
This pressure and threat of referral has made me realize how bad my current frame of mind is and how badly I'd struggle if I were to go back in. I still think it'll hinder my mental recovery rather than help.
Fingers crossed the numbers go up on Wednesday 🀞🏼

I'm back home! Sad to say bye to the lovely Algarve, had such a nice time.
Therapy today wasn't as catastrophic as it could have been. Weight went down but not massively, but my therapist is starting to threaten impatient (you guys were right) which is really scary.
I've not got my head around that possibility yet because I feel was too large and 'well' compared to the last time I was admitted. I think my therapist also recorded the wrong weight this morning, thinking I was a kilo lighter, which makes Anorexia happy because 'ooh, you can loose a whole kilo this week and they'll think you've maintained!' I'm finding it really hard to stay motivated and optimistic about the future. Having a bit of a 'what is my life?' phase because I'm nearly 21 and I've never had paid work and I've done nothing! So my plan is to get a CV done that I can be proud of and then at least I know it's there ready to send off when I'm able to apply for work. It's just the thought of putting things I've done and selling myself to look good is extremely daunting because I still don't feel worthy of earning any money or working for any company or getting a job instead of someone else. So I've been putting off doing my CV for a long while.
I feel stuck

My body image has been so messed up recently, especially since being on holiday. TW~ I feel like when I look at the upper half of my body I can see that I look underweight but my legs are just huge. I'm so out of proportion, like my top half and bottom half belong to completely different people.
My legs have always been my problem area, I know I'll never be comfortable with them. It just makes me feel disgusting and huge whenever I look at them when I'm sitting down, crossing my legs or catch a glimpse of them in a mirror or shop window. This horrible feeling makes it so hard to rationalize my current situation and the fact that I'm not healthy, it confuses me so much! I feel like my eyes are lying to me. The flight home is very early tomorrow morning. I've had such a lovely, relaxing holiday! It's been very challenging, with changing eating habits, times and situations but I think I've managed okay overall. I've got weigh in on Wednesday and I'm already so nervous about it 😬 I don't want to predict a loss because I'm scared that if I get that in my head and I end up gaining, or even maintaining, I'll be in a right state. Dad and my step mum think I've lost, but I can't be certain. I do feel physically worse, fatigued, slower thought process, aching muscles ect, but I personally can't make sense of why I've lost. I'm eating way more than I use to before I went into hospital and I'm feeling a lot healthier than I was then too. Urgh, everything's so confusing right now! Sorry to be annoying and negative guys! Hopefully brighter days are coming soon πŸ’•

Having a fab time in the Algarve!
Hope you lovelies are all okay and treating yourselves well πŸ’•

So weigh in went the wrong way again and they're starting to get concerned. TW
I'm not going to lie, I am struggling at the moment. I find that as I loose weight I also loose a little bit of hope, self esteem, motivation. I feel like I'm not always in control of my choices, thoughts and actions anymore. Like I have less power.
I'm feeling more and more confused about my body. Most of the time I feel chubby, curvy and I'm confused about the weight loss as I really can't see it. Sometimes I notice that I'm looking smaller. Like yesterday when I went for an ecg and saw my bare upper body in the doctors mirror I was shocked. It's like I saw a completely different girl. A very sick girl. It all leaves me so confused and lost.
I'm working hard now on therapeutic activities, which is tough because I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand and protect myself from anxiety provoking things like this. I've always been taught distraction techniques in hospital and now it's like I need the opposite, I need to really push myself to engage in therapy and get to the roots of my struggles and problems. It's damn hard though.
I've made a good start. I need to. I can't go back into hospital, not after I've tried so hard to build my confidence in myself and my self esteem.

Happy Fathers Day to the best dad I could ever wish for! He's such an amazing and supportive friend who I can always count on to have my back and guide me towards the right path.
Thank you so much for all that you've done dad!
Today has been lovely! We went to this garden event and relaxed in the sun β˜€οΈ I'm still plodding on but struggling a little. I need to get y head back into gear because weigh in didn't go well last week at all. I'm noticing that my thinking is getting a little cloudier and concentration isn't 100% and I really need it to get back to where it was because I'm planning to start applying for jobs soon which is very scary but exciting too! Ideally, I'd love to work in a little cafe, but any retail or restaurant work will suit me for now. Can't have a foggy head and slow reactions when working with customers πŸ™Š

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