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beccabitesback_ beccabitesback_

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  Currently inpatient 🌸 Restrictive anorexia recovery 🌸 slowly and gradually getting myself back on track 💪

Part of me is screaming not to post this because I think my face looks chubby in this, all the more reason to post it and defy my eating disorder!
I’m doing better now, I finally got onto the unsupervised table after about eight weeks of begging. Still struggling a little with the independence and being more in control of my daily meal plan, but that’s okay because I’m getting the practice I need for when I’m discharged.
Exercise is a bit less of an issue now, although I do still find it difficult to relax and stop fidgeting/shaking legs. I was out of compulsive exercising after really damaging my heels after repeated exercise. I couldn’t walk properly for three weeks so I was forced to relax. It was so hard, but I’m glad I did it because now it’s a bit easier to relax now.
I’m getting home leave too. I have two nights this weekend! So we’ve had a day at the Trafford Centre which finished off with going to Pizza Express for my old favourite, Leggera Pandana. I never thought I’d be able to have this again, it broke so many of anorexia’s rules. But I’ve done it!
Hope you’re all well 💖

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you've all had a very merry time 🎄✨
Sorry I've not posted in a while. I'm still impatient at the priory, but it looks like I'll be discharged quite soon. Fingers crossed 🤞🏼 I'm trying my best to get to the unsupervised table and to start the culinary skills program. I've completed all my diet and haven't replaced with fortisip in over six weeks and I've been trying hard to challenge fear foods. Body image is a major problem for me at the moment as last admission I gained weight so much slower than this time. It took me nine months to gain as much as I have gained in four and a half this time and it's something that I'm struggling to accept.
Exercise has been an ongoing issue also. I've damaged my heels from over exercising, the past four days I've not been able to walk properly without a lot of pain. So I've kind of been forced to rest and it's been tough. ~
I really hope you're all having a wonderful Christmas and are able to overcome those horrible thoughts and allow yourself to treasure this time with family and friends. Today I've been able to push myself to have a roast dinner, two celebrations chocolates and my first ever slice of stolen. It was difficult and I know I'll probably give myself a hard time later on but I wont regret it. This is the first Christmas in years that I've felt almost normal. Eating at the same time as everyone else, eating a similar meal and looking happy. This is what recovery is for ✨

Today's been good from a recovery point of view but I'm paying the price for it now! ~TW ~
It was the dietician's nutrition group at 9:30 but this one was an extended one so we had to have a dieticians choice snack whilst in it for morning snack. So it was an assortment box of foxs biscuits. We had to have one each, they were all scary but I picked the long thing custard cream like one. I felt extra pressured to do well because the dietician was watching. I did well because of that!
Lunch is getting more and more difficult because it always leaves me feeling mega bloated and it seems like each day I feel fuller and fuller after having to have the large amount of fortisip with the yogurt.
Then it was the aubergine stack with goats cheese and roast potatoes for dinner, which of course involved two fear foods. I managed to finish it after 45 minutes and felt stuffed but then the meal co came and said 'you're on a D dairy'!! Plus I had a bagel with butter at breakfast and now for night snack it's suppose to be a mr Kipling cherry bakewell!! I'm hoping they remember I meant to be on fortisip snacks this time!
Sorry for the essay! It's been a stressful day food wise and it's led me to feel really bloated and fat.

Just spoke to the dietician. I lost 0.1kg, they're taking solid snacks off and they'll be fortisip instead. I'm so deflated and frustrated.
I thought I did really well last week food wise! I'm going to have to speak to the doctor in ward round, ask for a possible spot weigh or change in obs, maybe go back to five minutes again because I've been struggling in between meals with keeping still this past week.
They also messed up my meal plan, so for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I had around 500 calories worth of fortisip less because they looked at the wrong plan! But when I mentioned this I think they just brushed it off and thought I was making up excuses.
This is all so infuriating. I thought I was getting somewhere.
If things went my way I'd be on five minute obs again so I can get the support needed to stay still during the day and go on all solids to practice challenging fear foods and stopping the eating rituals/habits. But obviously my opinions mean nothing and I have no idea what's best for me 🙄

I'm on 15 minute obs now, finally!! 👍🏼 Awkward picture 🙈
The dietician is letting me have all standard, solid snacks now and full portioned hot meals and desserts. Still on fortisip at breakfast to replace toast and cold meals are still a D yogurt and fortisip. It's looking better.
I've been struggling a lot today though. My heads been very naughty and wont shut up or let me rest. I cried in the dining room over the flipping chicken crumble. It's the first time I've cried at a meal time this admission. I almost finished it, just left tiny bits of crumble and the meal co made me have more fortisip than I was already suppose to have alongside the meal!
My mind is racing now and thinking stupid things, like it's cereal for snack and all of the options are more than a D and I just can't cope.
Sorry to vent! I just worry that the reason I'm feeling so motivated is because I just want to get out of here as soon as possible.
And I know that isn't the right reason

I'M FINALLY ON SOLID HOT MEALS!! TW (specific fear foods mentioned)
They're smaller portions but I've been doing really well! I've also been allowed to have a yogurt with my lunch time fortisip and a standard night snack, which has included two crumpets with butter(!!), cereal (which was scary because it was more calories than the snack was meant to be) and a muller rice (original of course 🙊) The dietician was really strict with me when she told me I could have some solids. She explained how if I resorted to behaviors too much then the food would be taken straight away and I'd be on fortisip again. So I've tried harder than ever to manage them, and it's worked!! I feel so strong and proud of myself at the moment! Staff are still in shock because they know how badly I have struggled in the past.
Hopefully in the next couple of days I'll be on solid breakfasts and another solid snack. By next week I may even be on a completely solid diet 😊

I've got a scary meal tonight though, chicken cacciatore with vegetables and potato wedges. I've not had proper wedges since my last admission and I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it to be honest. I'm very, very nervous

I gained 0.2kg. The doctor/psychiatrist called me for ward round straight after their meeting ended, the ward manager and the dietician were there too. She said they want to keep my meal plan the same and put me on the tube again and my diet will be 100% through the tube, no going into the dining room. I felt like I couldn't talk because I was trying to hold back tears and she could see that. So I left and cried in my room for ages. My main nurse came to talk to me and said I can say that I don't consent to the tube and then I'll stay in the dining room on just fortisip again. I can't go back on the tube! Last time it was hell and it massively knocked me back mentally and made me more scared of food because I was never around it and I felt isolated. I've refused the tube, my key nurse said Doctor could ask for an assessment of my situation and worse case scenario I could be forced on it by the mental health act. But she said the doctor didn't mention an assessment, she just said she'll talk to me later in the week. I've been told by another patient that they can't force me on the tube if I'm willing to eat/drink.

I'm having a hot meal for lunch!! Just spoken to the dietician and I'm on 1B hot meal portions now so they'll be like half portions. It'll be fish cakes, veg and new potatoes. She said she'll talk to me on Friday and introduce some solid snacks too. So I'm still on all fortisip with just one hot meal for the next couple of days.

On Friday night I refused the tube so I've not had it in all weekend. My dietician and psychiatrist won't be impressed but I genuinely think it's the right thing for me. I'm on all fortisip still but I feel so much better just for going into the dining room. Feel like I have some control now.

This past week has probably been the most difficult time of my life. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. The only thing that got me through the weekend of being tube fed was the thought of being able to return to the dining room on Monday. When Monday morning weigh in came I'd gained 1.3kg and I felt absolutely disgusting and scared but I coped because I know it's will help me progress. I broke down when I found out that the doctors and dietician are making me stay on the tube, with absolutely no food or even being able to drink the fortisip myself because they're not willing to chance my behaviours getting in the way. They keep saying I'm at a dangerous bmi and I need to restore weight before I can focus on my eating issues but I know plenty of people who have been allowed to be discharged with a bmi only slightly higher than mine so my head is screaming at me saying I can eat and I'm just allowing them to pile the pounds onto me and I don't get anything out of it, no positives whatsoever at the moment because I can't even taste any flavours or enjoy any food/fortisip. I feel massively guilty for craving flavour and wanting to drink the fortisip. My heads just a mess at the moment. I don't know how they can expect me to cope

They've inserted an ng tube tonight. I've just had my first feed.
I'm mentally exhausted and this tube isn't helping! It's really hurting. It's making me gag all the time and that makes me feel stupid and my anxiety is sky high so I'm isolating myself more when I really need support now more than ever.
They made me have the tube because I've been struggling with my meal plan and eating behaviors are getting in the way. They said my body hasn't gone into the refeeding process yet because I've not gained in two weeks. I lost weight the first week here and gained 0.2kg on Monday, so I'm smaller now than when I was admitted and they're worried.
I just worry about the mental effects of putting me on the feeding tube...


Terribly to be honest. I lost this week and they're saying I'm at a really dangerous bmi. It's gone to 12.8 so they're making me have an all fortisip diet so they can monitor my intake and I feel absolutely horrible about it because I hate fortisip and I actually enjoy the meals that are on this week and it makes it ten times harder sitting with a room full of people having food while I'm on a huge glass and a half of fortisip!! I'm petrified of weight gain and the thing that's making me gain weight I hate too! I feel so hopeless at the moment. Plus Dr Sharma put me on five minute obs and no ground walks or anything. She wanted me on 1-1 but I managed to talk myself out of it. So I've got a week full of bloody fortisip to look forward to!

I've got my first solid meal tonight 😬 It's a jacket potato with baked beans and veggie sausage.
I'm so nervous but determined because it was one of my favorites in my last admission and I use to look forward to it. But now I've got so many numbers and rules going on in my head that clash with this meal, I honestly don't think I'll actually be able to enjoy it, but I think I'll be able to eat it. Oh well, I suppose enjoying food will come a little further down the line.
I managed to have a crumpet with flora for snack yesterday! Flora is a big fear and I did lots of silly behaviors though 😔
Onto solid breakfast tomorrow

My first day in hospital has been really busy and I feel so exhausted now.
TW (weight)
They woke me up for a weigh in and I'm the lowest weight I've ever been which I'm finding impossible to process because I genuinely feel so much larger and healthier than last time I was admitted. My bmi is in the 12s and I think I look like it's more. Still struggling with my legs and comparing them to other patients and feeling fat and unworthy of recovery and the treatment/fortisip I'm having to have.
The dietician won't let me have solids because of my weight, so today I've got five lots of fortisip to have 😔 but I managed to get her to agree to letting me have a little stars yogurt for afternoon snack to break up the fortisip a bit, so that'll be a little better 🙈

Feeling a little bit better this morning about the admission. I'm still so nervous and still feel like a failure but thank you all so so sooo much for all your lovely messages on my last few posts. You guys are all amazing, inspirational people who alway know how to make me and so many others in this lovely community feel more positive and motivated.
I'll probably be posting more these next few weeks too 💕

I managed to get them to let me go in tomorrow. I'm so scared. Really really really frightened about forced weight gain; I don't feel small enough in the first place. I'm petrified about meals and I have no idea how I'll react. I don't honestly know if I'm ready for this or in the right frame of mind. Feel like my heads going to explode

Hospital have just phoned and they want me to be admitted at two o'clock today!!! I've not even had an assessment or seen any of the doctors!! Why do they want me in so suddenly!? I'm so scared 😰😰😰

Had an absolute nightmare of a journey to my assessment at hospital that resulted in me getting on the wrong train and having to reschedule the appointment to next Monday. So now I have to go through the mental torture over the weekend 😔
I feel exhausted after this morning. On a positive note, I'm meeting up with one of my best friends for the afternoon and I had a lovely chat with another last night that has left me feeling extremely blessed and loved 💗

I've been referred to hospital. Got my assessment tomorrow. It's taken over a week for the news to settle in and I'm absolutely devastated and my thoughts are so mixed.
I feel like I either want to completely rebel and not accept treatment or go for it and give it my all. I can't just 'go with the flow' like I did last time, feeling like I'm in my own little bubble and half-arsing recovery, never fully doing it for myself.
I honestly don't think I'm in the right frame of mind at the moment to recover. I hate saying this and it feels so selfish and like I've given up. I don't feel ill enough to go back and I feel like I don't deserve a bed or treatment 😔

Retail therapy with my favorite lady!
Mum, my brother and my stepdad are on their sponsored walk in aid of BEAT right now!! They've walked 20 out of the 34 miles they're walking! Going strong, regardless of the blisters and aches! I'm so proud of them! I'm with Grandma and Grandad. Managing my meals okay today. It's lovely spending time alone with my grandparents and not speaking about eating disorder related things all the time. I get the chance to just feel like me and meal times are calmer and less anxiety provoking because they trust me more

Nandos was a success!! Anorexia didn't ruin my 21st Birthday meal! She did sneak in a little but it went so much better than I predicted ⭐️
I challenged myself to the supergrain salad with lemon and herb chicken breast. It's the first time I've plucked up the courage to order it and I usually go for the same option every time because of nutritional fears.
It was so tasty 😋

Going to Wales to see Mum's side of the family for the weekend. It'll be full of birthday celebrations and will end on Monday with my Mum, brother and step dad doing a 36 mile sponsored walk to llandudno (from Flint) all in aid of BEAT!! I'll be posting pictures! I'm nervous for this weekend, going to Nandos tonight for my birthday meal(!!) but it's suppose to be a nice, fun weekend and I'm gonna try my hardest to stop anorexia from ruining it 💕

It's my birthday! 🎉🎈 What better way to spend the day than a trip into Manchester for a bit of retail therapy?
I can't believe I'm 21 🙈
So I've got some big news. Unfortunately it's far from positive though. My psychologist has written a referral to the hospital I was at last year and she said she'll send it tomorrow if things don't go well in therapy/weigh in. I don't know if that means that she'll send it if I maintain or if I loose more, but I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with. I know I'm not taking this seriously enough. I feel like she's bluffing and she won't send the referral or I'll be able to convince her otherwise. I'm not ill enough for hospital anyway. I don't feel anything like as ill as I use to be. The scales readings at the moment are just confusing me! I can't see how I am the weight that I am. I literally look like five kilos larger 😕

Good news guys! Wednesday's weigh in went well, I gained 0.6kg and that was enough to stay out of hospital! I'm so relieved 😌
My therapist did say that I'm still very much on the borderline though and we'll have to take things week by week so we'll have to see how the next few weeks go I guess. Fingers crossed they go well, I really want to stay out of hospital! To be truthful, I am struggling more than ever mentally. The weight gain this week did not come easily to me at all. I feel disgusting and so guilty and greedy because it was only down to myself that I gained that weight. A huge part of me wants to get down to X bmi and be even 'sicker' than last time. It's so hard to try and shut out and not act on the constant thoughts.
Behaviors are getting in the way so much now as well. I've gotten use to picking at and leaving certain amounts of the foods I'm always having now. Whenever my eating routine is changed it causes me so much stress and anxiety, going to my mum's this weekend is petrifying me rather than me being able to look forward to seeing my family that I really miss and enjoy the plans we've made. Instead I'm worrying about what I'll have to eat, where I'll have to eat, how much I'll have to eat, if any triggering comments will be made, if my food choices will be challenged ect
Anorexia really is dominating my life at the moment and I can see how being at a lower weight makes it almost impossible to combat the constant droning on of it's complaints, obsessions, worries and criticisms. It's making it hard to focus on the things in life that actually matter to me 😔

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