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beathetree beathetree

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Bea Marshall  Intuitive Parenting Coach | TEDx Speaker | Founder of Yes Parenting | Helping Mums to embrace the magic of YES!

http://www.beamarshall.com/parenting-without-punishment

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#40Bea40 Day 22
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The most perfect of later winter days with @raquel_montad by the sea. We went o Cleethorpes and it was anything but grotty (as many had suggested!).
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White sands for miles. Solitude and blue skies. Fresh winds blowing out the cobwebs. Vegan food in a dog-friendly cafe. Singing along in the car to some of the best songs ever written.
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Now it’s bath time and the fire is already lit for the evening. My Darling is coming over and we will enjoy reconnecting after a week apart.

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#40Bea40 Days 18-21
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Jos went to an adventure camp so Peep and I have had precious time together - peaceful time, uninterrupted time, flowing time, spacious time, ease-ful time.
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When you have a child whose brain is wired differently to the majority of people it’s amazing just how much time, attention and energy they require to support them to navigate the world we live in. I didn’t realise how much Peep and I both needed a break until we got one.
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I adore Jos. I love his energy, his creativity, his determination, his unique way of perceiving the world, his focus, his humour, his physical affection, his generous spirit.
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I also recognise that parenting him requires much of me. Being his brother requires much of Peep.
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So we have rested together, eaten together, walked together, talked together, laughed together and been quiet together.
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And today we picked Jos up and it was truly wonderful to see him again and to be showered with his energy again, his non stop talking and noise making and face pulling. His questions and facts and jokes and ideas. His movement taking up more space than seems necessary or possible.
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He has had a wonderful time at camp.
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Whether your child has typical human needs or additional human needs, they need you to meet their needs. And you need a break sometimes. It’s OK to recognise that need and to meet it. It’s good to carve out time to meet your children’s needs individually as well as all together. It is absolutely possible to find a Yes for everyone.
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Happy Birthday to me.

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#peepcreates
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These are the same smoothie except one has spinach added. Absolutely delicious they were!
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The recipe is for Flu fighting sunshine smoothie (not that any of us are ill) and it’s from the @ohsheglows cookbook which Peep is working his way through steadily.
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The ingredients are oranges, lemon juice, fresh ginger, maple syrup, cayenne, ice cubes and optional spinach.

I’ve been wondering about this for such a long time now and my brain won’t let go of it.
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So I’m sharing it. #sorrynotsorry
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It’s actually a serious question though. I reckon semen (from a healthy and willing supplier) must be full of all sorts of good stuff.
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Obviously not plant-based but must be vegan if the supplier is willing and able!!
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Anyone got any inside info?!
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#vegan #veganfood #veganprotein #vegannutrition #rawvegan

Breakfast!
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I woke up desperate for vegetables! So ive cooked up cabbage, carrots and tofu scrambled with spinach. I’ve covered the whole thing in the most amazing sauce by @avantgardevegan.
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I was able to buy loads of @tofooco massively reduced the other week and threw it in the freezer. So I cooked up a whole block this morning and I have some left in the pan for later.

#peepcreates
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Raw buckwheat porridge with nutty granola clusters.
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Two recipes from The Oh She Glows Cookbook (@ohsheglows).
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Peep is aiming to cook his way through the book over the course of a year, give or take. We’ve been a bit slack though the last couple of weeks!
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I loved the porridge but my boys didn’t like it. They couldn’t get their head around the fact it was cold (so we might remake it and heat it) plus the texture wasn’t right for them.
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The nutty granola clusters on the other hand - what a hit!!! Peep said they tasted like Christmas and was thrilled to discover that they are very tasty in a bowl with cold rice milk poured over them.
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Next up is one of the book’s smoothies.

#40Bea40 Day 17
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We went on an adventure with friends we’ve known since all the eldest babies were just a handful of weeks old.
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Buses and trains and chips and walking and rocks and water and dogs and climbing and pigs in gardens and all the way back home again.
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It is such a gift to have such good friends. Friends who have been there through thick and thin. Friends who have committed to plucking each other’s beard bristles should any of us ever not be able to do it for some reason!
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Between us were raising amazing young people who are kind and funny and interesting and a pleasure to be around.
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Happy Birthday to me!

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The power of Resilience
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I’ve heard people talk of how you develop resilience. A common theme is that you develop resilience by going through difficult stuff.
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I agree but only partially.
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You don’t have to go through difficult stuff to become resilient.
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Resilience is your ability to tolerate discomfort - @brenebrown’s marvellous definition.
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Discomfort in the human experience has many forms. You don’t have to be going through difficulties to experience discomfort.
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When we use punishment in parenting we teach our Children to avoid discomfort. We rely on their desire to avoid discomfort in order to control and manage their behaviour.
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If you choose to parent this way you might have short-term success but you create long-term problems.
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Life is freckled with fear, loss, doubt, embarrassment, grief, anger and all sorts of other discomforts. Being able to sit within discomfort and know that you are OK is resilience.
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Support your child to be increasingly tolerant of discomfort, and therefore increasingly resilient, by being present for them in the discomfort they experience. No need to fix it or explain it or minimise it. Be present so they know that it’s OK to sit with it and let it pass through. That their worth and value as a human isn’t affected by whatever discomfort they experience.
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There are far more effective ways to respond to unwanted behaviour than resorting to punishment. And you’ll be encouraging resiliency by choosing them.

#40Bea40 Day 16
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Yesterday a lack of sleep meant I did very little except go on a walk along streets I’d never been on before and my Darling and I watched a movie (The DaVinci Code).
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Today I’ve watched The Voice and now Peep is creating yummy things in the kitchen.
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I’ve let my hens back into the garden to do their thing. First time since Thursday’s attack. They love to eat out of my hand so I videoed them doing it - it brings me so much joy!
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Happy Birthday to me!

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Instead of punishment, think FUCK it.
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Forgiveness
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Understanding
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Compassion
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Kindness
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If you experienced punishment as a child, and most of us did because that was the best our parents knew, then it’s likely you’re instinct is to punish also.
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But your instinct and your intuition are at odds.
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You’re instinct is motivated by a hurting inner child who doesn’t know any different except their own experience and unresolved trauma.
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Your intuition is motivated by the essence of your humanity - Love.
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The reason it never feels good to punish a child is because it goes against what you know, deep down, to be true. Love is the answer.
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We don’t do better when we feel bad about ourselves. We do better when we are held in a safe place that accepts us for who we are with all our imperfections.
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Hurting people hurt people.
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When you feel the desire rise up to punish your child, take a breath. This is a gift - it’s an opportunity for healing. FUCK it!
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You are doing a wonderful job raising your little, and not so little, ones. Keep going. Be courageous and parent from your heart.
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Choose love.
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PS. In case it’s not clear - FUCK is an acronym for Forgiveness, Understanding, Compassion and Kindness.
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#40Bea40 Day 14
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This is Rob.
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Rob is my neighbour and yesterday Day 14) he was also an angel.
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After a fox attack on Thursday that left one hen dead and two injured, I was incredibly upset. I messaged Rob first thing asking if he had any time to help me build strong fox defences.
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I went about doing the washing up and Rob turned up at the door. I was so pleased to see him and he was a little taken aback.
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Turns out he hadn’t yet received my message because his phone was flat, he was locked out and he’s left his rucksack at his friends’ house where he’s stayed the night before.
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Amazingly Rob didn’t have any plans so we chatted over a cuppa, I introduced him to the hens and explained the plan. And he was more than happy to help.
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I took Rob to collect his rucksack and then we spent the afternoon digging. I learned the difference between a pick axe and a mattock - you learn something new every day!
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I fed worms through the fence to Chukn, the worst off of the two injured hens. She loves them!
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I have wonderful neighbours and it feels so good to help each other out practically.
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Happy Birthday to me!

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Do you want to raise resilient children?
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Do you want to support your child to become an adult who can navigate life’s ups and downs with courage and grace?
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Do you want to help your child to make good choices as they go through life?
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Then stop punishing them.
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Punishment does nothing other than to teach children to move away from discomfort at all costs.
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Punishment fuels a cycle of fear and control which leads to hurt and hurting people hurt others.
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Teach your Children with forgiveness, understanding, compassion and kindness (that’s an acronym of fuck in case you want an easy way to remember!).
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From that experience they will blossom and bloom.

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