We had such a good time last night getting together to support the Heartland Cancer Foundation. It’s a great advocacy organization, the funds stay local to Nebraska and Kansas patients, and they hope to fulfill $125,000 in grants by the end of 2018 for gas, housing, prescriptions, and beyond. So cool. •
I have had a few down days. Days of fears. Of realizing how much I am settling into a new normal, wanting it to never again be turned upside down by a cancer diagnosis. The tears came. Another anxiety-ridden breakdown. And I felt weak. I am supposed to be a strong warrior! I am supposed to remain positive and be content in the reality that worrying has never helped anything. I am supposed to be strong enough in my belief that God is sovereign. And I am supposed to be a kickass thriver, taking each day like a bull by the horns. But that isn’t the reality of having gone through hell and back, I am learning. The further out I get, the more I look and feel like Ashli before cancer — and yet, that was the girl who actually had cancer three years ago. The girl who looked like a normal(Ish)😂 mom. The girl who was pretty happy-go-punchy. The girl who felt mostly healthy. And who was a young mama of three. •
And so I cried. I cried. I breathed heavy. I cried as my mom held me in her arms and my chest heaved up and down. Tears fell down on my husband’s shoulders. And I let the inward fears flow threw tears and out of my control. And then, last night, I shared a snippet of my story. I made a call for funds for people who are trying to decide whether they pay for their treatment or their heat bill. •
This will always be a part of me. Cancer is no longer in my body. But it is always in the pages of my book. And there will be days where that feels hard, still. •
But. Money was raised last night. In the hard, there is goodness. And I woke up this morning, feeling lighter. Feeling the knot in my stomach having lessened. Feeling so incredibly grateful for the gift of another sun rise. After a heavy sunset. •
The waves, they will come. They will even, at times, knock me down. They will even leave bits of their wrath in their after. But I am still here. I am still here.