babyonthebrehm babyonthebrehm

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  Mama to 3 boys | Wife | Writer | Survivor breast cancer | Loves: happiness|love|good music|good humans 📧 babyonthebrehm@gmail.com

Three years ago yesterday, I went to my first appointment at @nebraskamed. Yesterday I sat on the exam table as my oncologist did an exam. Yet again. My bajillionth feel up since my fingertips first alerted me to the intruder in my right breast. •
I’d discovered a small knot-like lump several weeks back. I felt like a badass because I said, “that’s nothin’” and moved forward. And then, the anniversaries started piling up. And the little naysayer on my shoulder said, “hey girl... maybe that knot is not nothin’” •
And that’s what triggered my recent set of meltdowns. •
I reached out to my Onc, once again. For the hundredth time since we first met 1,096 days ago. And he, per usual, made time to see me.

He felt the knot. We discussed the reality that there is no breast to be affected. But there can be scar tissue, funky implant things, and tiny bits of cheeseburgers that have gathered together in the open spaces. Okay. The cheeseburgers are not really possible. But lots of other weird phenomena are. Because my breasts are not yo mama’s boobs. These are foobs 2.0. And weird shit happens in Foobs. And this weird shit is not cancer. •
I hugged him as I left. I cried. He told me that he understands that my greatest fear is not being able to be “one tough mother” like my shirt said. And then he said, “you are optimistic. And you are doing everything you can.”

And I e x h a l e d.
Again. •
Today I walked into the same building. I walked into the Life Renewal Center. The one where the wonderful Glenda holds down the fort. And I placed my pink tote bag up on her counter. My wigs. Back to the place where I first found them. We hugged before I left. And I smiled as I left. I thought about all my @nebraskamed people. And how they have become key players on my team. And how I never question their commitment to my health and my journey. •
There will be many days ahead. Many. Many many. Some will be hard. Without warning. Some will include no thoughts of cancer. Most, in fact. But for all the days, I am thankful to God and to these people who are all a part of “my team.” For the last 1097 days and for all that are to come, thank you to my super squad. You are 💯.

We had such a good time last night getting together to support the Heartland Cancer Foundation. It’s a great advocacy organization, the funds stay local to Nebraska and Kansas patients, and they hope to fulfill $125,000 in grants by the end of 2018 for gas, housing, prescriptions, and beyond. So cool. •
I have had a few down days. Days of fears. Of realizing how much I am settling into a new normal, wanting it to never again be turned upside down by a cancer diagnosis. The tears came. Another anxiety-ridden breakdown. And I felt weak. I am supposed to be a strong warrior! I am supposed to remain positive and be content in the reality that worrying has never helped anything. I am supposed to be strong enough in my belief that God is sovereign. And I am supposed to be a kickass thriver, taking each day like a bull by the horns. But that isn’t the reality of having gone through hell and back, I am learning. The further out I get, the more I look and feel like Ashli before cancer — and yet, that was the girl who actually had cancer three years ago. The girl who looked like a normal(Ish)😂 mom. The girl who was pretty happy-go-punchy. The girl who felt mostly healthy. And who was a young mama of three. •
And so I cried. I cried. I breathed heavy. I cried as my mom held me in her arms and my chest heaved up and down. Tears fell down on my husband’s shoulders. And I let the inward fears flow threw tears and out of my control. And then, last night, I shared a snippet of my story. I made a call for funds for people who are trying to decide whether they pay for their treatment or their heat bill. •
This will always be a part of me. Cancer is no longer in my body. But it is always in the pages of my book. And there will be days where that feels hard, still. •
But. Money was raised last night. In the hard, there is goodness. And I woke up this morning, feeling lighter. Feeling the knot in my stomach having lessened. Feeling so incredibly grateful for the gift of another sun rise. After a heavy sunset. •
The waves, they will come. They will even, at times, knock me down. They will even leave bits of their wrath in their after. But I am still here. I am still here.

I got an email awhile back and was pretty sure I was being punk’d. But it actually ended up being a writer for a legit mag who found me through my @washingtonpost articles and wanted to know how the huz and I used humor to deal with cancer treatment. So of course I talked about lube. 😂 I’m pretty fortunate that the Mr is such a rock star and has been my person through it all. And that he’s cool with my weird sense of humor. •
My quote is just one very small snippet of a much larger spread with many womens’ stories but I have to say, I totally jumped up and down when I got my hands on the issue. #breastcancer #survivor #stories #sexandchemo #humor #triplepositivebreastcancer #writer #blogger #oprahmagazine

I love my children. Immensely. But their “floaties?” Those are deal breakers. #momlife #momhumor #mommeme #motherhood #boymom #backwash #loveyoutothemoonandback

I try to always remember to be grateful for Mondays. And this Monday, it’s easy to be. Fallish temps and curls for days. Gorgeous day to make a quick stop to feed the geese. And he demands that next time we bring more bread 🍞 to feed all the geese in the entire world. #sunshine #monday #momlife #boymom #thelittlethings

Fun night out with some friends to see a band I’d never heard of with a guy named Todd who has a big head.

How do you like them apples? I think I like them quite a lot. @kimmelorchard

We cheers‘d to not having a mammogram today and being three years out from a day that rocked our family’s world. We danced to Celebration and drank sparkling cider and there were no tears this Friday. Only smiles and gratitude.

It was the Friday before Labor Day. Three years ago. And it was when I started walking my green mile. Read my post on the blog. #breastcancer #survivor #triplepositive #mammogram #cancerversary #death #liveabundantly #greenmile #grief #mourning

Get it get it get it! The amazingness isn’t just gonna do itself. #happyday #gobeamazing

Oh. And it’s hair day. So. Why yes this day is Phe-freaking-nomenal! Thanks for asking.

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