It's confusing really, how my brain can be both my trusty ally and my worst enemy. A warm blanket around me and a bucket of ice poured over my head. A whisper of confidence and a deafening scream of self-doubt. An allegiance to my truth and a betrayal of it all in the same breath. It's my emotional compass and the hammer that cracks its face. My brain. My brain. My happy and heedless brain.
Early on in my recovery my brain was the head honcho. It was a looping carousal of negative thought, symptom, negative thought, symptom, and repeat. I was new to being at war with my own mind which made me defenseless. So I was constantly foggy-headed, detached, riddled with headaches, had zero energy, and relentlessly uneasy. What I didn't know was that the physical and emotional symptoms of my anxiety were directly correlated to my thoughts. My body was simply reacting to my brain. How crazy is that? How beautiful and fucked up and crazy that a single hairline thought can have that much influence. That's how powerful our brains are.
With therapy I've learned to manage my anxiety before it manages me. I've learned to observe, identity, accept, and nip the thoughts in the bud before they manifest. I'd be lying if I said there weren't thoughts that slip through the cracks and seep into my fragile train of thought. I'm a work in progress and it will take as much man power to manage these thoughts as the amount of power the thoughts have themselves. Last week I had a thought that came and went so fast I didn't even realize it. Suddenly I crashed. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. Then I remembered, it was the thought! That tiny, fleeting, negative, pain in the ass thought completely changed my entire mood. So I thought about the thought (🤔) and told myself, "That was just an anxious and untrue thought. My body and mood are reacting to it. I am choosing to let this go." And I did.
Think about the thoughts you are telling yourself, think about the thoughts you don't realize you are having- is your body and mood reacting to it? Can you blame them? Reflect. Reframe. Replace.