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Anxiety Support  The "Me too" you've been looking for. An honest and safe community for those seeking comfort and understanding. Silence Isn't Always Golden.

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Sent to me by my therapist yesterday.
I know why my anxiety is acting up. Actually, I understand why too. A few weeks ago I was excitedly offered a promotion at work. A wonderful opportunity to step into a different realm of health care with different responsibilities, new things to learn, a new schedule, and new department to work with. Different. New. But great. I'll be the first to admit that dancing freely with change doesn't come easy for me. Even the slightest tweak in my familiar and I have to kick my self-care into high gear. Any kind of change for me, good or not so good, shakes me. My anxiety relies on routine, consistency, having the hang of things, and a dependency on the familiar. A new role at work is everything but all that. At least not yet! But my poor little brain is already in panic mode- thinking of everything that could go wrong instead of all the ways it's going to go right. It's 15 steps ahead when I haven't even put my shoes on yet.
My therapist told me yesterday, "No matter what happens, it will be okay." She's right! It will be okay. And there will be times it won't always be okay and that's okay too. I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm evolving. And most importantly I'm practicing breathing and flowing with change. This is all happening for me and not to me- I trust that. So I will breathe, I will take care of myself, I will do my best because that's all I can do, and most importantly- I will not be angry with my mental illness and it's obsession with protecting me.
So here's to my first day with my new role! One moment at a time ๐Ÿ™‚

One day everything is great. My feet are on the ground. My head is clear. I'm experiencing. Joy. Happiness. Laughter. I breathe it in easy. One day I'm confident. In me. My journey. My relationships. My purpose in this world. One day my soul is open wide taking in the abundance of good that's recently come my way. A big promotion at work. Andrew and I deciding to live with each other this fall. All good things. And I can feel it. "Things are good, in this moment things are good." That's what I say. I say it loud and I say it with purpose because I want the universe to know that I know a good thing when I feel it. I recognize the absence of suffering because it's the most beautiful feeling in the world.

And then the next day.
And then the next day I'm riddled. My brain is speaking so loud to me about so many different things that I can't even begin to sort through them. Something about being inadequate. Something about not being in control. So many somethings that all I can do is bring it back to my breath because I know my breath is real and I know that I can count on it and I know that if I'm breathing I'm okay. But my anxiety is telling me I'm not. It's telling me I'm going to fail. It's telling me things are falling apart. I'm not acting myself, or so I think, because I don't feel like myself. And my head is foggy because there's a volcano of thoughts erupting every second and I'm tired because my mind is refusing to rest and I'm not talking because I'm too afraid of saying the wrong thing because God for fucking bid I have a human moment and say something even slightly off key. My OCD is off the charts and I'm repeating repeating repeating and I just want to throw my stove away so I don't have to check the knobs 16 times a day anymore. My panic mode brain is coloring outside of the lines again and I want so badly to grab its hand and bring it back to center but instead I will ride this out. I'll accept. I'll manage. And soon my brain will learn that every change that comes my way isn't an opportunity to slip into old habits. But until then I will breathe and be easy on myself. I come in many forms- all of which are worth loving and caring for. I'm okay.


My everyday morning routine after breakfast. Fish oil for skin care ๐Ÿ  Vitamin D for a healthy immune system (I had skin cancer two summers ago and don't get nearly enough sunlight as I should anymore) โ˜€๏ธVitamin b-12 for energy and a healthy nervous system ๐Ÿ multivitamin for other essential vitamins and minerals, doxycycline for acne๐Ÿ’Š, and Zoloft for anxiety and depression๐Ÿ’ก. Looking at this colorful cocktail who could really tell the difference of which ones are for my body and which one is for my mind? Also, who the hell really cares ๐Ÿค”They all are working with me- each serving me in their own unique way. Each regulated by my doctor and therapist. Each supporting wellness, functioning, happiness and health. Each one just as necessary as the other. Just because I decided to add something to my self-care regime doesn't mean there was less of me to start with. How you choose to positively take care of you is entirely up to you ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ’Š๐Ÿต๐Ÿฅ’๐Ÿณ๐Ÿฅ—๐ŸŽ๐Ÿ‹๐ŸฅŠโค๏ธ

It's confusing really, how my brain can be both my trusty ally and my worst enemy. A warm blanket around me and a bucket of ice poured over my head. A whisper of confidence and a deafening scream of self-doubt. An allegiance to my truth and a betrayal of it all in the same breath. It's my emotional compass and the hammer that cracks its face. My brain. My brain. My happy and heedless brain.
Early on in my recovery my brain was the head honcho. It was a looping carousal of negative thought, symptom, negative thought, symptom, and repeat. I was new to being at war with my own mind which made me defenseless. So I was constantly foggy-headed, detached, riddled with headaches, had zero energy, and relentlessly uneasy. What I didn't know was that the physical and emotional symptoms of my anxiety were directly correlated to my thoughts. My body was simply reacting to my brain. How crazy is that? How beautiful and fucked up and crazy that a single hairline thought can have that much influence. That's how powerful our brains are.
With therapy I've learned to manage my anxiety before it manages me. I've learned to observe, identity, accept, and nip the thoughts in the bud before they manifest. I'd be lying if I said there weren't thoughts that slip through the cracks and seep into my fragile train of thought. I'm a work in progress and it will take as much man power to manage these thoughts as the amount of power the thoughts have themselves. Last week I had a thought that came and went so fast I didn't even realize it. Suddenly I crashed. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. Then I remembered, it was the thought! That tiny, fleeting, negative, pain in the ass thought completely changed my entire mood. So I thought about the thought (๐Ÿค”) and told myself, "That was just an anxious and untrue thought. My body and mood are reacting to it. I am choosing to let this go." And I did.
Think about the thoughts you are telling yourself, think about the thoughts you don't realize you are having- is your body and mood reacting to it? Can you blame them? Reflect. Reframe. Replace.


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