I’m about to get real as fuck so if you aren’t ready for that, please just scroll along.
When I was 15 I was drunk, kissing a boy I thought I liked... before I knew it he was shoving his hand down my pants & putting his fingers forcefully inside of me. I froze. I could not find my fucking voice. I couldn’t say no! or stop! I couldn’t say a thing, nothing would come out. I couldn’t move. I was stuck in that moment for what felt like eternity. My body stiffened & it felt like my mind just shut off. I layed there, in pain, feeling almost separate from my body until it was over, I rolled over curled into a ball & cried myself to sleep. He had no fucking idea ! I felt so fucking ashamed & embarrassed & thought to myself “why couldn’t I speak !?!! if anybody finds out they are going to think it was my fault & not believe me. They will think I was asking for it. They won’t respect me” a long with a billion other self deprecating ideas. & because of that, I kept that experience to myself until very recently. I’ve seen many strong powerful women lead by example in sharing their experiences & I began to feel that I should share mine too. I no longer hold on to that & feel that it has any power over me. I am moving through my own healing process & choose to use my experience to help open up important discussions with other women & men & help others in healing, too. I began doing a lot of work on understanding how it effected me & doing the work, going through the process & identifying the blockages I feel within & I am sharing because EVERY SINGLE woman I have opened up to about my experience, has had a very similar experience once, if not multiple times through out their lives. I am VERY passionate about helping heal myself & providing space, tools & healing work to help others work on healing their traumas as well. It’s fucked up to think how many women have experienced something like this & we all keep it to ourselves our of fear of shame & judgment, not realizing how many of us have gone trough something similar. I can’t change my experiences or yours, & i’m not saying my way is THE way. But I’d like to offer my help where I can... (more in next post)